Spent the weekend with some of my closest friends at my family cabin. We ate, drank, skied, played board games, watched movies, and overall had a merry time.
Saturday I used, for the first time, the skis I received for Christmas last year. I skied very well, considering I hadn't graced the slopes with my presence in 3 years. I only fell a few times, but two of those times were quite nasty spills, and I was ready to go home well before our time was up. PBR agreed to take me back to the cabin early, and we hobbled to his car. I did something to my right hip, and i gimped and winced my way through the rest of the weekend.
PBR had to go home Saturday night. It was pre-planned, but disappointing nonetheless. I was overall very impressed with him the whole weekend, however. He was patient and helpful at the ski resort. He helped make breakfast, offered to put everyone's sack lunches in his backpack, engaged in group games and conversations, and all around was pleasant to be around... except for about 10 minutes saturday morning when he realized there was no coffee.
In other updates, I successfully ran the half marathon the weekend after thanksgiving. It took 2 hours and 30 minutues. My knee just finally stopped hurting! I finally got in to see a doctor and am back on prozac, and have a follow up appointment this upcoming friday. I'm not quite done with my christmas shopping, but i think i have it all figured out, and i'm not too stressed.
All in all, things are alright.
Lemon, out.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Girlfriend Mode
This weekend marked the first time where I really felt like PBR's girlfriend. We've had a slow moving relationship, but there was something definably different the last few days.
Friday night was date night. We went to a movie, and then baked cookies at his place. It was nice to spend some quality time with just the two of us, and super cute that we were making his favorite cookies that usually his grandma makes.
Saturday I spent the early afternoon with a friend, then met up with PBR and his friends at a bar to watch the local College Football Rivalry Cup, with "our" team holding onto the win, but just barely. I personally didn't attend either of these universities, but PBR did, and luckily I've always preferred his school over the other.
We moved from the bar to everyone's favorite pizzaria. I had been smart enough to stay sober through the game only sipping off PBR's beer, and he let me drive his car! He still won't ride in mine. I'm not particularly great at driving a stick, but I managed to get us to and from the pizza place.
It was in the restaurant that the first "real girlfriend" moment occurred. A few more of his friends met up with us as we ate, and as PBR gave introductions, eyes seems to linger on me... waiting to officially meet me so as to figure out more about me. It was the "so that's the girlfriend" look.
The main event of the evening was PBR's annual Tacky Xmas Sweater party. PBR and I went back to his place first, so to make sure someone was at his place when guests started arriving. We had a nice ten minutes to ourselves, which of course everyone took the opportunity to make wild claims about what we did in those ten minutes.
The party was a blast. We cracked open a few four lokos (which were gross), played a few drinking games, and I mingled and charmed the pants off PBR's friends. Ok, so everyone's pants stayed on, but still, the resounding theme of the night was "[PBR] we like her," and "She's a keeper."
One of his closest friends stated that he hadn't met any of PBR's past girlfriends... which I'm assuming was an exaggeration, if they've really been friends that long, but the mental note was made; he doesn't use labels lightly, and he doesn't parade every new girl around. I'm also glad that statement was made towards the end of the evening, that would have been a lot of pressure had I known it earlier/sober-er.
Saturday night marked the first night I've stayed at his place since our big boundaries talk. Maybe it was that he was so tired, but he did a great job keeping his hands within marked boundaries.
Despite him not using the labels, it's becoming clearer and clearer... he's the only one whose not.
Lemonfriend
Friday night was date night. We went to a movie, and then baked cookies at his place. It was nice to spend some quality time with just the two of us, and super cute that we were making his favorite cookies that usually his grandma makes.
Saturday I spent the early afternoon with a friend, then met up with PBR and his friends at a bar to watch the local College Football Rivalry Cup, with "our" team holding onto the win, but just barely. I personally didn't attend either of these universities, but PBR did, and luckily I've always preferred his school over the other.
We moved from the bar to everyone's favorite pizzaria. I had been smart enough to stay sober through the game only sipping off PBR's beer, and he let me drive his car! He still won't ride in mine. I'm not particularly great at driving a stick, but I managed to get us to and from the pizza place.
It was in the restaurant that the first "real girlfriend" moment occurred. A few more of his friends met up with us as we ate, and as PBR gave introductions, eyes seems to linger on me... waiting to officially meet me so as to figure out more about me. It was the "so that's the girlfriend" look.
The main event of the evening was PBR's annual Tacky Xmas Sweater party. PBR and I went back to his place first, so to make sure someone was at his place when guests started arriving. We had a nice ten minutes to ourselves, which of course everyone took the opportunity to make wild claims about what we did in those ten minutes.
The party was a blast. We cracked open a few four lokos (which were gross), played a few drinking games, and I mingled and charmed the pants off PBR's friends. Ok, so everyone's pants stayed on, but still, the resounding theme of the night was "[PBR] we like her," and "She's a keeper."
One of his closest friends stated that he hadn't met any of PBR's past girlfriends... which I'm assuming was an exaggeration, if they've really been friends that long, but the mental note was made; he doesn't use labels lightly, and he doesn't parade every new girl around. I'm also glad that statement was made towards the end of the evening, that would have been a lot of pressure had I known it earlier/sober-er.
Saturday night marked the first night I've stayed at his place since our big boundaries talk. Maybe it was that he was so tired, but he did a great job keeping his hands within marked boundaries.
Despite him not using the labels, it's becoming clearer and clearer... he's the only one whose not.
Lemonfriend
Friday, November 26, 2010
When Roles Reverse
The last year has been hard for me. I watched two of my best friends get married, one get divorced, and one fall in love and get engaged. And honestly, I had a harder time being supportive of the alter bound relationships than I did with the one that failed.
Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.
I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.
I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.
On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.
I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.
All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.
I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.
I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.
So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.
Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.
Lemon Bubbly.
Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.
I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.
I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.
On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.
I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.
All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.
I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.
I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.
So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.
Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.
Lemon Bubbly.
The difference a few years can make.
I met PBR 3 years ago at Camp. There was instant attraction.
There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.
Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.
That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.
Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.
I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.
After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.
I still have the email.
It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.
Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.
There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.
I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.
It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.
PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.
It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?
I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.
Lemon Hoping.
There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.
Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.
That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.
Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.
I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.
After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.
I still have the email.
It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.
Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.
There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.
I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.
It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.
PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.
It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?
I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.
Lemon Hoping.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Cornered
Yesterday evening PBR picked me up to head to game night. We got about 2 miles down the freeway (of our 30 mile trip) and he says "so, I need to have this conversation, and since we're sober, and you're stuck in my car for the next half hour..."
We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.
We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.
We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.
We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).
He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.
As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.
Lemon Up
We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.
We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.
We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.
We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).
He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.
As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.
Lemon Up
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Support System Addition
Six years ago I got the official diagnosis that I had always known about myself: Depression laced with anxiety. It tends to present in an ADD type fashion. I'm easily distractable, I struggle to conquer large tasks, I rarely sit still. Actually I think my attention span is surprisingly longer than it appears.
I've been staying a head of my ever hovering rain cloud, but for several months (maybe a year), it's been catching up with me. I've made several decisions to try to keep it at bay. I run fairly frequently (and have signed up for a half marathon, which takes place in just six weeks!!!), I try very hard to eat healthily, take my vitamins, and get some sun exposure, and when I feel lousy, I don't drink.
But it's still catching up with me. I've made the decision to find a way to go back on meds. I struggle with the stigma of being medicated, and wondering if who I am supposed to be is an unmedicated, depressed individual... but who is supposed to live like that?
Next healthy step? I told PBR.
He seemed supportive of my decision to pursue the medication route and asked questions of which meds I've been on before. The nice thing about dating someone with a psych degree, is they at least understand that people can't just "snap" out of chemical imbalances. He also found the silver lining in the whole situation: if i'm not drinking, i can be his designated driver. He was (mostly) joking, we laughed, and I threw a line back at him about how I was glad my mental distress works out for his benefit. Besides, jokes on him, he's never ridden in the glorious Citation before!!! He's in for a treat!
We've got vague plans for the weekend, including pumpkin carving/beer pong with some of his friends (lucky me will get put on the team with the pregnant woman, so we can just have the non-alcoholic beer). I'm also supposed to do some stuff with the family this weekend, and I might go as far as to invite him to family dinner. Its about time to meet some parents.
but its almost 4am, and i've slept less than 8 hours total in the last 4 days... and my kitten is rather (unusually) snuggly right now.
Lemon zzzzz
I've been staying a head of my ever hovering rain cloud, but for several months (maybe a year), it's been catching up with me. I've made several decisions to try to keep it at bay. I run fairly frequently (and have signed up for a half marathon, which takes place in just six weeks!!!), I try very hard to eat healthily, take my vitamins, and get some sun exposure, and when I feel lousy, I don't drink.
But it's still catching up with me. I've made the decision to find a way to go back on meds. I struggle with the stigma of being medicated, and wondering if who I am supposed to be is an unmedicated, depressed individual... but who is supposed to live like that?
Next healthy step? I told PBR.
He seemed supportive of my decision to pursue the medication route and asked questions of which meds I've been on before. The nice thing about dating someone with a psych degree, is they at least understand that people can't just "snap" out of chemical imbalances. He also found the silver lining in the whole situation: if i'm not drinking, i can be his designated driver. He was (mostly) joking, we laughed, and I threw a line back at him about how I was glad my mental distress works out for his benefit. Besides, jokes on him, he's never ridden in the glorious Citation before!!! He's in for a treat!
We've got vague plans for the weekend, including pumpkin carving/beer pong with some of his friends (lucky me will get put on the team with the pregnant woman, so we can just have the non-alcoholic beer). I'm also supposed to do some stuff with the family this weekend, and I might go as far as to invite him to family dinner. Its about time to meet some parents.
but its almost 4am, and i've slept less than 8 hours total in the last 4 days... and my kitten is rather (unusually) snuggly right now.
Lemon zzzzz
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Highway of Love
I had some rather interesting experiences on the freeway this past weekend.
Friday night PBR came out with a group of my friends for a bachelor/ette party and pubcrawl. really, we hit three bars in several hours, which I hear is rather slow (usually it's one drink and move on type of situation), but a good time was had by all.
On the way to the first bar, PBR pulled onto the freeway, and instantly we hit traffic. We didn't even make it to the end of the merge lane when we realize what's holding up traffic: a motorcyclist's bike has stalled, and is trying to get to the shoulder. PBR stops for him, then pulls in behind him, so as to block him from getting hit. He jumps out of the car, and says "gotta check on this guy" and goes to make sure the kid is ok, and can restart his bike.
Did I mention this happened in the middle of a torrential downpour?
Maybe I have a biased opinion about this boy, but what a good Samaritan! AWWW!
Other highlights include him getting me both chopsticks AND a fork, not knowing what my skills would be for the teriyaki chicken dinner. Then his level of excitement when I bought a round of beer at the 2nd bar was pretty funny as well.
Then this afternoon, on my way to PBR's place to watch the NFL game with him and some of his friends (he did stuff with my friends, I did stuff with his friends. all good things), there was a slow down around a bend in the freeway. One State Patrol car had its lights on while sitting on the left shoulder. At first, I was very confused as to why the lights were on, and why traffic was so slow, the SP hadn't pulled anyone over. Then it came into view: shoes. EVERYWHERE!!! Large Men's hiking boots, and several pairs, strewn across several lanes of traffic. Poor state patrolman who had to clean that up.
Sadly the local NFL team lost. But finally meeting several of the friends he talks about often was a bit of a treat. The friends left directly after the game, i dawdled for a few minutes, said I needed to get home to take my sunday afternoon nap, dawdled a little longer, and next thing you know we're cuddled up on the couch.
"I guess I can stay for 10 minutes."
I left an hour an half later. We'll see at 3am if I still think that trade off was worth it, but for now I don't regret it.
I do regret leaving my headphones at home tonight. It makes watching movies on my laptop, or listening to music/audiobooks rather difficult. maybe i'll have to actually read. but i was hoping to knit for a few hours.
Ok well, this busy lemon needs to "work."
Lemon, squeezed!
Friday night PBR came out with a group of my friends for a bachelor/ette party and pubcrawl. really, we hit three bars in several hours, which I hear is rather slow (usually it's one drink and move on type of situation), but a good time was had by all.
On the way to the first bar, PBR pulled onto the freeway, and instantly we hit traffic. We didn't even make it to the end of the merge lane when we realize what's holding up traffic: a motorcyclist's bike has stalled, and is trying to get to the shoulder. PBR stops for him, then pulls in behind him, so as to block him from getting hit. He jumps out of the car, and says "gotta check on this guy" and goes to make sure the kid is ok, and can restart his bike.
Did I mention this happened in the middle of a torrential downpour?
Maybe I have a biased opinion about this boy, but what a good Samaritan! AWWW!
Other highlights include him getting me both chopsticks AND a fork, not knowing what my skills would be for the teriyaki chicken dinner. Then his level of excitement when I bought a round of beer at the 2nd bar was pretty funny as well.
Then this afternoon, on my way to PBR's place to watch the NFL game with him and some of his friends (he did stuff with my friends, I did stuff with his friends. all good things), there was a slow down around a bend in the freeway. One State Patrol car had its lights on while sitting on the left shoulder. At first, I was very confused as to why the lights were on, and why traffic was so slow, the SP hadn't pulled anyone over. Then it came into view: shoes. EVERYWHERE!!! Large Men's hiking boots, and several pairs, strewn across several lanes of traffic. Poor state patrolman who had to clean that up.
Sadly the local NFL team lost. But finally meeting several of the friends he talks about often was a bit of a treat. The friends left directly after the game, i dawdled for a few minutes, said I needed to get home to take my sunday afternoon nap, dawdled a little longer, and next thing you know we're cuddled up on the couch.
"I guess I can stay for 10 minutes."
I left an hour an half later. We'll see at 3am if I still think that trade off was worth it, but for now I don't regret it.
I do regret leaving my headphones at home tonight. It makes watching movies on my laptop, or listening to music/audiobooks rather difficult. maybe i'll have to actually read. but i was hoping to knit for a few hours.
Ok well, this busy lemon needs to "work."
Lemon, squeezed!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What Did I DO????
Serious Freak out!
And it has nothing to do with boys!!!
Today I registered for a half marathon. WHAT?!
The race is Thanksgiving weekend. I have 11 weeks to get myself ready for this sucker. I've never run more than 7.5 miles at any one time, and this is almost exactly double that. The next two months are going to be a time of pushing myself very hard physically and mentally to prepare. I've paid my expensive entrance fee, so I'm officially committed to the event.
I almost don't know what's scarier: the 13.1 miles or that everyone has been so supportive. I should feel touched that people believe in me, but to some extent i just feel a lot of pressure to perform well. the 13.1 miles is pretty terrifying though.
Other things I'm working on:
Reapplying for a job at which I think would fit my life and personality well. I have a friend who works there already, and she said the last time I interviewed, they liked me a lot, but went with someone they had passed on the previous time they had hired. So, I've emailed the hiring lady, and hopefully will hear back from her soon.
Looking at photography and photoshop/digital media classes. I live near several community colleges, and one has a highly regarded art department. I Can't afford classes this fall, but hopefully I can see about taking a class and workshop or two in the new year. Taking photos has made me so happy the last few years, but there are times I feel I have so much left to learn. So, lets learn!!
I want to start attending and commit to a church. There's a church one of my friends goes to, and I've liked it when I've gone in the past. I've committed to a small group for fall quarter, and I'm looking at an internship they do, possibly starting next spring/summer.
So, i guess that's where my priorities lie these days: Jesus, running, photography, and finding a job that fits my strengths.
good thing things are going slow with PBR... do i even have time for him!? of course i do. I love making time for him. :-)
Lemon Out!
(just a side note/complaint) Like i said, most people have been super supportive of my commitment to the half-m. I texted Dr Bravo earlier to see if he would run with me when I'm at my parents house the next two weekends. He says he will run, but we have to go slow, I tell him i'm in training, and he calls me crazy. boo.
And it has nothing to do with boys!!!
Today I registered for a half marathon. WHAT?!
The race is Thanksgiving weekend. I have 11 weeks to get myself ready for this sucker. I've never run more than 7.5 miles at any one time, and this is almost exactly double that. The next two months are going to be a time of pushing myself very hard physically and mentally to prepare. I've paid my expensive entrance fee, so I'm officially committed to the event.
I almost don't know what's scarier: the 13.1 miles or that everyone has been so supportive. I should feel touched that people believe in me, but to some extent i just feel a lot of pressure to perform well. the 13.1 miles is pretty terrifying though.
Other things I'm working on:
Reapplying for a job at which I think would fit my life and personality well. I have a friend who works there already, and she said the last time I interviewed, they liked me a lot, but went with someone they had passed on the previous time they had hired. So, I've emailed the hiring lady, and hopefully will hear back from her soon.
Looking at photography and photoshop/digital media classes. I live near several community colleges, and one has a highly regarded art department. I Can't afford classes this fall, but hopefully I can see about taking a class and workshop or two in the new year. Taking photos has made me so happy the last few years, but there are times I feel I have so much left to learn. So, lets learn!!
I want to start attending and commit to a church. There's a church one of my friends goes to, and I've liked it when I've gone in the past. I've committed to a small group for fall quarter, and I'm looking at an internship they do, possibly starting next spring/summer.
So, i guess that's where my priorities lie these days: Jesus, running, photography, and finding a job that fits my strengths.
good thing things are going slow with PBR... do i even have time for him!? of course i do. I love making time for him. :-)
Lemon Out!
(just a side note/complaint) Like i said, most people have been super supportive of my commitment to the half-m. I texted Dr Bravo earlier to see if he would run with me when I'm at my parents house the next two weekends. He says he will run, but we have to go slow, I tell him i'm in training, and he calls me crazy. boo.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
and I'm more than just ok with it
Last weekend was best friend's wedding. It was an EXTRAVAGANZAAAA!!! to say the least. And now that we've wrapped that one up, the whole group has to re-group for another close friend's wedding! I am very happy for both of these wonderful women, and I'm trying very hard to keep my general crankiness under control, but there's just something about wedding planning that puts me instantly in a bad mood. But this is about them, and not about me. It has become my mantra of late.
I had a minor freak out over PBR last week. He picked me up from the wedding, and we went back to his place to watch a movie. In typical Lemon fashion, we whispered in the dark very briefly about our relationship status. He's not ready for labels, but is definitely interested in continuing along our current path and "moving forward." It made sense to me at the time... but I had consumed many a libation, so really, almost anything could have made sense. His reasoning had mostly to do with how little we see each other.
I stewed on this for a few days. First I was happy, focusing mostly on the "moving forward" aspect, then I started to freak out! He isn't ready for labels! WHAT?! This obviously translates into "he wants out" and the lack of texts between us this week was just another red flag. I also began to feel some pressure from some well meaning friends that I need to push for labels.
But then this weekend rolled around. He not only took initiative in us finding time to spend together, but after reviewing my phone inbox, there had actually been over 40 texts between us this past week.
So, after a long day of paying attention to football scores (gotta know if he'll be celebrating or mourning), I headed to his place, and we were going to join a few of his friends for game night. I returned the sweatshirt he lent me last week (mostly cuz i had to wash it, and it no longer smelled of him. who needs extra clothes that don't even smell like the person they belong to?) and I retrieved my long lost bridesmaid dress. Scandalous, I know. He got a call saying game night was going to end early, so we chose a movie and settled in with a beer or two.
Somewhere between the captain Kirk battling the Romulans (I totally geeked out on this), the several games of football, fantasy football standings, and a formula 1 race (his turn to nerd it up), wet willies, and a kiss goodbye I had a rather nice realization. This is my unique relationship with PBR. It is unlike any other relationship I've ever had, and its unique pacing makes it special. I'm more than ok with not doing "labels" at this point. Definitely not forever, but we'll see where things go.
I could learn to enjoy football season even more if it means lazy Sunday mornings snugged up on the couch.
Lemon out
I had a minor freak out over PBR last week. He picked me up from the wedding, and we went back to his place to watch a movie. In typical Lemon fashion, we whispered in the dark very briefly about our relationship status. He's not ready for labels, but is definitely interested in continuing along our current path and "moving forward." It made sense to me at the time... but I had consumed many a libation, so really, almost anything could have made sense. His reasoning had mostly to do with how little we see each other.
I stewed on this for a few days. First I was happy, focusing mostly on the "moving forward" aspect, then I started to freak out! He isn't ready for labels! WHAT?! This obviously translates into "he wants out" and the lack of texts between us this week was just another red flag. I also began to feel some pressure from some well meaning friends that I need to push for labels.
But then this weekend rolled around. He not only took initiative in us finding time to spend together, but after reviewing my phone inbox, there had actually been over 40 texts between us this past week.
So, after a long day of paying attention to football scores (gotta know if he'll be celebrating or mourning), I headed to his place, and we were going to join a few of his friends for game night. I returned the sweatshirt he lent me last week (mostly cuz i had to wash it, and it no longer smelled of him. who needs extra clothes that don't even smell like the person they belong to?) and I retrieved my long lost bridesmaid dress. Scandalous, I know. He got a call saying game night was going to end early, so we chose a movie and settled in with a beer or two.
Somewhere between the captain Kirk battling the Romulans (I totally geeked out on this), the several games of football, fantasy football standings, and a formula 1 race (his turn to nerd it up), wet willies, and a kiss goodbye I had a rather nice realization. This is my unique relationship with PBR. It is unlike any other relationship I've ever had, and its unique pacing makes it special. I'm more than ok with not doing "labels" at this point. Definitely not forever, but we'll see where things go.
I could learn to enjoy football season even more if it means lazy Sunday mornings snugged up on the couch.
Lemon out
Monday, August 16, 2010
Irregardless of what you think
Ok, before I get shot for using non-words, it'll come back into play, so be patient!
Its been a long time time since my last update... We did a small service for Grandma, but a larger memorial service is happening this Sunday. I hadn't really been prepared to say goodbye to my last grandparent, and I'm not sure it'll hit home until the holidays.
The Dr. Has left the building. we've hung out... uhhh... barely at all in the last month. He and another friend were supposed to come to dinner a few weeks ago, and then i got a call they couldn't make it. But only after I had 4 peoples worth of food on the grill. he offered to take the bus back into the city to have dinner, but wouldn't be able to get there for another 3 hours or so. I said no. I drove him home from work about a week ago, and it was just so obvious from my end that the spark is gone. Oh well. I might be dark and twisty at times, but being a surgeon's wife seems like something i'll leave for TV plot lines.
PBR has made quite the interception of my affections. Ok, maybe that makes me sound a bit more like Mrs. Ferrars (Miss Lucy Steele, as were) than intended, but since we went to an NFL game this past Saturday, I'm going to stick with football references. I'm a little glad we didn't go to the local MLB game, since baseball metaphors imply a bit more physicality than what I intend to relay on this blog.
If the goal line is an "in a relationship" definition, then we made some serious yardage towards that end zone. In plain english: we decided that we're not doing the friends with benefits thing. Which means I'm dating someone! waaaahoooo!
1st and goal, extra points to be awarded when i get to use the all powerful/terrifying "bf" word. Its been a long time since i've have a legitimate relationship with labels and everything... But i do believe that is where this is heading. No more "i wonder if this is where we're going," and instead, just going there.
Unless of course the quaterback gets sacked.
Game highlights included pizza and beer for dinner, his tirade on people's use of Irregardless (told you i'd come back to it) along with the correct use of "to, too, and two." I think in the not too distant past I heard him mention a book he recently read, which as you all know, is HOTTT! Oh, the actual football game wasn't so bad either... i think. I do know home team won, but there was beer, there was vodka in gatorade bottles, and i think the most mind altering: a kiss after a touch down and some intertwined fingers.
Lemon Up!
Its been a long time time since my last update... We did a small service for Grandma, but a larger memorial service is happening this Sunday. I hadn't really been prepared to say goodbye to my last grandparent, and I'm not sure it'll hit home until the holidays.
The Dr. Has left the building. we've hung out... uhhh... barely at all in the last month. He and another friend were supposed to come to dinner a few weeks ago, and then i got a call they couldn't make it. But only after I had 4 peoples worth of food on the grill. he offered to take the bus back into the city to have dinner, but wouldn't be able to get there for another 3 hours or so. I said no. I drove him home from work about a week ago, and it was just so obvious from my end that the spark is gone. Oh well. I might be dark and twisty at times, but being a surgeon's wife seems like something i'll leave for TV plot lines.
PBR has made quite the interception of my affections. Ok, maybe that makes me sound a bit more like Mrs. Ferrars (Miss Lucy Steele, as were) than intended, but since we went to an NFL game this past Saturday, I'm going to stick with football references. I'm a little glad we didn't go to the local MLB game, since baseball metaphors imply a bit more physicality than what I intend to relay on this blog.
If the goal line is an "in a relationship" definition, then we made some serious yardage towards that end zone. In plain english: we decided that we're not doing the friends with benefits thing. Which means I'm dating someone! waaaahoooo!
1st and goal, extra points to be awarded when i get to use the all powerful/terrifying "bf" word. Its been a long time since i've have a legitimate relationship with labels and everything... But i do believe that is where this is heading. No more "i wonder if this is where we're going," and instead, just going there.
Unless of course the quaterback gets sacked.
Game highlights included pizza and beer for dinner, his tirade on people's use of Irregardless (told you i'd come back to it) along with the correct use of "to, too, and two." I think in the not too distant past I heard him mention a book he recently read, which as you all know, is HOTTT! Oh, the actual football game wasn't so bad either... i think. I do know home team won, but there was beer, there was vodka in gatorade bottles, and i think the most mind altering: a kiss after a touch down and some intertwined fingers.
Lemon Up!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
update?
Things have been a little rocky for this lemon. Working the night shift is starting to wear on me, so i've started looking for something new. Also, my grandma passed away this week.
Also frustrating is Dr Bravo flaked on me. again. we had plans to go see a movie friday night. he said he's be home by 8, i should pick a movie and a time, and he'd call when he made it into town. He didn't text until 11. I had been driving, so at the next stop light i told him i'd call when i got home, he said ok. So i call, and he doesn't answer. He called back 2 minutes later
He had missed his bus, and his phone was dead, then his phone was on vibrate, and excuse and excuse and excuse. I tried very hard to stay neutral when we talked, and straight told him how disrespected I feel when he flakes on plans. He apologized, and had ideas of how to prevent being late like that again. I told him i appreciated the apology, that i didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but its still very frustrating, and disrespectful, and maybe it was just bad timing that it happened tonight, but I'm struggling in life, and he knows this, and i needed him to come through, and he hadn't. He apologized again, stammered for a minute, and i said i'd talk to him later.
I guess we'll see when he decides to put some effort into our friendship. I'm done with the idea of dating him. This decision has been in the works for the last 2 months or so, with this being the nail in the coffin.
On the other hand, PBR has been in the picture quite a bit lately. He took me out sailing two weeks ago, he came by last week when i didn't want to be home alone, and we hung out again last night.
PBR has been a bit of sunshine in this rather gloomy week.
Lemon, trying to make lemonade, out.
Also frustrating is Dr Bravo flaked on me. again. we had plans to go see a movie friday night. he said he's be home by 8, i should pick a movie and a time, and he'd call when he made it into town. He didn't text until 11. I had been driving, so at the next stop light i told him i'd call when i got home, he said ok. So i call, and he doesn't answer. He called back 2 minutes later
He had missed his bus, and his phone was dead, then his phone was on vibrate, and excuse and excuse and excuse. I tried very hard to stay neutral when we talked, and straight told him how disrespected I feel when he flakes on plans. He apologized, and had ideas of how to prevent being late like that again. I told him i appreciated the apology, that i didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but its still very frustrating, and disrespectful, and maybe it was just bad timing that it happened tonight, but I'm struggling in life, and he knows this, and i needed him to come through, and he hadn't. He apologized again, stammered for a minute, and i said i'd talk to him later.
I guess we'll see when he decides to put some effort into our friendship. I'm done with the idea of dating him. This decision has been in the works for the last 2 months or so, with this being the nail in the coffin.
On the other hand, PBR has been in the picture quite a bit lately. He took me out sailing two weeks ago, he came by last week when i didn't want to be home alone, and we hung out again last night.
PBR has been a bit of sunshine in this rather gloomy week.
Lemon, trying to make lemonade, out.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Insecurities
There have been periods of my life where I have been through tough times, and at the end I have been able to look back and learn from my mistakes and successes. The past six months (possibly whole year) have been a unique span of my life where I'm not sure there have been any super defining moments, but I feel I have a better grasp on why I behave the way I do.
I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.
Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.
Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.
My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.
And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."
This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.
I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.
Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.
Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.
My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.
And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."
This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I can't do it
I'm sorry, I just can't.
I know that the moments the words leave my mouth, as soon as we actually have the conversation, no matter the outcome, my life will have some sort of definition to it...
I just can't get the words out. My voice fails.
It never fails when i lie. "no, everything's fine" comes out quite loud actually.
I know that the moments the words leave my mouth, as soon as we actually have the conversation, no matter the outcome, my life will have some sort of definition to it...
I just can't get the words out. My voice fails.
It never fails when i lie. "no, everything's fine" comes out quite loud actually.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Fail.
So, the dr came over for dinner and I made tacos. They were delicious. Then we sat down for a movie. 500 Days of Summer. Great movie, terrible choice for the evening. It's all about this guy and his failed relationship. Its kinda hard to describe, but overall, it basically deflated every idea i had as to how to start the dtr.
It was a nice evening though. tacos, beer, movies. we cuddled a bit. My roommate was super optimistic for the evening, especially when she came home and saw us on the couch. but no.
Its not like i wont see him ever again. this wasn't my only chance.
Lemon out
It was a nice evening though. tacos, beer, movies. we cuddled a bit. My roommate was super optimistic for the evening, especially when she came home and saw us on the couch. but no.
Its not like i wont see him ever again. this wasn't my only chance.
Lemon out
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
rain rain everywhere
My dreams, facbook feed, direct contact... i can't seem to get any boys that i've had feelings for in the last 10 years out of my head. Or line of sight.
I had a dream about an ex the other night (THE ex). things were heating up (at least my subconsious gets some action), and our conversation was about not worrying what other people think, our love was real. That's super odd, I don't love him at all. According to what i've been following on facebook, he's in the process of moving to california. Peace out dude, I really don't need you in my head anymore. I've been meaning to unfriend him for a long time. Guess I should finally do it.
I was going through my phone earlier today and CPR's name jumped out at me. I deleted it. I gave up hope of him not being a super duche months ago, I guess I just never took the time to actually get rid of his number.
CLBF shows up on my facebook feed as well quite often. And more often than not his picture stares at me from the little box of "mutual friends." I miss him often. If i were to actually see him face to face, I'd probably cry. Even though that relationship was definitely not easy, It helped me see some of the ways that I'm broken. I don't trust men, I don't believe men have emotions/feelings, and I run from mine. I think of him fondly. Even as challenging as those months were with him, I at least knew he cared about me.
Then there's the guy who only ever calls/attempts to hang out when he's single. We both haven't really treated each other with a ton of respect. He kisses me then disappears, I blow off invitations to hang out. He's single again and chatted me up the other night, wants to drink cheep beer. He might be named PBR, being his favorite beer, but I think i started this blog way after most of our antics.
I'd like to hang out with PBR. I should feel used that its likely he's just looking for a hookup, but what if thats something that interests me right now? I really think that'd be a bad decision if i'm actually trying to move things forward with the DR, but, should i let a non-relationship stop me from maybe interacting with anyone else?
And speaking of my non-relationship... well I guess i just summed up how things are with Dr Bravo. Nothing has changed in the slightest. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I got to when I was unemployed and living with my parents, but I guess you win some you lose some.
The Dr had been interested in going to see Conan with me last weekend, but decided not to go, and failed to give me a reason why... Until after the show. Apparently his grandfather died. Its a great reason for anything really, but it would have been nice if he had just told me what was going on.
he made mention of being interested in running the 12k race I do every year and have been training for this spring. I gave him the information, said it'd be super fun if he joined in for the weekend, and he didn't give me an answer.
Then there's the super-manipulative route I could take: use PBR to make the DR jealous. How would he react if he heard i was going on a date? The fork in the road, i fear he would take, is that instead of spuring him into action, he'd just feel rejected and back off. Besides, I don't want to trick boys into having realtionships with me, nor do i want to lead others on that i'm not actually interested in. Damn me and my conscience.
My work husband was a super flake over the past weekend as well. I don't blame him in the slightest as to work preventing him from going to Conan, We both thought he'd be done in time, and we were both very wrong. But he failed to answer phone calls or texts. and after two unanswered calls, unless its an emergancy, thats the time i stop calling. I can take a hint.
I'm super excited for my health insurance to kick in here soon. I need a therapist. I'm feeling super crazy, and not in the fun ridiculous type of way, but in a "i'm on the verge of crashing hard" type of way.
Lemon out.
POST SCRIPT EDIT
CLBF just posted a status on Facebook stating he got a new phone and needs everyone's numbers. I not only shouldn't give him mine, I should delete him out of my phone. I doubt i'll actually text him, but i don't know if i can let go of his number yet.
I had a dream about an ex the other night (THE ex). things were heating up (at least my subconsious gets some action), and our conversation was about not worrying what other people think, our love was real. That's super odd, I don't love him at all. According to what i've been following on facebook, he's in the process of moving to california. Peace out dude, I really don't need you in my head anymore. I've been meaning to unfriend him for a long time. Guess I should finally do it.
I was going through my phone earlier today and CPR's name jumped out at me. I deleted it. I gave up hope of him not being a super duche months ago, I guess I just never took the time to actually get rid of his number.
CLBF shows up on my facebook feed as well quite often. And more often than not his picture stares at me from the little box of "mutual friends." I miss him often. If i were to actually see him face to face, I'd probably cry. Even though that relationship was definitely not easy, It helped me see some of the ways that I'm broken. I don't trust men, I don't believe men have emotions/feelings, and I run from mine. I think of him fondly. Even as challenging as those months were with him, I at least knew he cared about me.
Then there's the guy who only ever calls/attempts to hang out when he's single. We both haven't really treated each other with a ton of respect. He kisses me then disappears, I blow off invitations to hang out. He's single again and chatted me up the other night, wants to drink cheep beer. He might be named PBR, being his favorite beer, but I think i started this blog way after most of our antics.
I'd like to hang out with PBR. I should feel used that its likely he's just looking for a hookup, but what if thats something that interests me right now? I really think that'd be a bad decision if i'm actually trying to move things forward with the DR, but, should i let a non-relationship stop me from maybe interacting with anyone else?
And speaking of my non-relationship... well I guess i just summed up how things are with Dr Bravo. Nothing has changed in the slightest. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I got to when I was unemployed and living with my parents, but I guess you win some you lose some.
The Dr had been interested in going to see Conan with me last weekend, but decided not to go, and failed to give me a reason why... Until after the show. Apparently his grandfather died. Its a great reason for anything really, but it would have been nice if he had just told me what was going on.
he made mention of being interested in running the 12k race I do every year and have been training for this spring. I gave him the information, said it'd be super fun if he joined in for the weekend, and he didn't give me an answer.
Then there's the super-manipulative route I could take: use PBR to make the DR jealous. How would he react if he heard i was going on a date? The fork in the road, i fear he would take, is that instead of spuring him into action, he'd just feel rejected and back off. Besides, I don't want to trick boys into having realtionships with me, nor do i want to lead others on that i'm not actually interested in. Damn me and my conscience.
My work husband was a super flake over the past weekend as well. I don't blame him in the slightest as to work preventing him from going to Conan, We both thought he'd be done in time, and we were both very wrong. But he failed to answer phone calls or texts. and after two unanswered calls, unless its an emergancy, thats the time i stop calling. I can take a hint.
I'm super excited for my health insurance to kick in here soon. I need a therapist. I'm feeling super crazy, and not in the fun ridiculous type of way, but in a "i'm on the verge of crashing hard" type of way.
Lemon out.
POST SCRIPT EDIT
CLBF just posted a status on Facebook stating he got a new phone and needs everyone's numbers. I not only shouldn't give him mine, I should delete him out of my phone. I doubt i'll actually text him, but i don't know if i can let go of his number yet.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Encouragement
I want him to make the move. Has he made the move? no. So, now the challenge is to encourage the move without actually making the move myself. This is a tricky line to walk.
Dr Bravo and I have movie plans for tonight. Add on to the caffeine I've ingested today, that that makes for one jittery lemon.
Over the last couple of weeks Dr Bravo has met a few of my friends, and each new person has said the same thing "he obviously likes you." But, Its been two and a half months of hanging out, and he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. A well known book-turned-movie states that If he isn't sleeping with you: red flag. This is obviously a bit further than my physical limits for short term relationships, (aka anything that doesn't involve me in a white dress with a diamond on my finger after a short ceremony), but perhaps this also proves true for the actions that i do allow for.
But I've also read places, that because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us... This is what that passage pertains to, right? My hope for a kiss at the end of a date?
Anyway, as a wise friend told me, I need to help set up and encourage his actions without it looking like I'm actually making the move. I hope I can find that balance, and not look as desperate as Jacob and Mike:
Dr Bravo and I have movie plans for tonight. Add on to the caffeine I've ingested today, that that makes for one jittery lemon.
Over the last couple of weeks Dr Bravo has met a few of my friends, and each new person has said the same thing "he obviously likes you." But, Its been two and a half months of hanging out, and he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. A well known book-turned-movie states that If he isn't sleeping with you: red flag. This is obviously a bit further than my physical limits for short term relationships, (aka anything that doesn't involve me in a white dress with a diamond on my finger after a short ceremony), but perhaps this also proves true for the actions that i do allow for.
But I've also read places, that because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us... This is what that passage pertains to, right? My hope for a kiss at the end of a date?
Anyway, as a wise friend told me, I need to help set up and encourage his actions without it looking like I'm actually making the move. I hope I can find that balance, and not look as desperate as Jacob and Mike:
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
And How Does That Make You Feel?
Yes, I'm actually making some progress in my life!
I got a job! I now work nights at a treatment center for teens with eating disorders. It makes me think a lot about my food habits, and very thankful that I don't have an eating disorder. I think mostly I'm too lazy to care that much about controlling food intake to that degree, although If I was a bit more type A personality, I don't think it would have been that much of a jump.
I'm having trouble getting enough sleep. Do we ever get enough sleep? Well, 4 or 5 hours is def not enough. It doesn't help that there's barking dogs, daylight, and the general bodily desire to be awake in the middle of the day. Also I'm pretty sure there was a helicopter circling the neighborhood today.
I got my room painted in the house I'll be moving into! Its a nice peachy orangy color, and I've got green blackout curtains I need to put up. Everyone is working on moving in, and I hope to be in by my birthday (which is less than three weeks out!).
Progress with the good Dr has been slow, but i think moving forward. We had a nice cuddle the other night, and he kissed the top of my head. It was super sweet. And speaking of things I hope to have done by my birthday... perhaps a dtr? I guess we'll see.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm absolutely in LOVE with this song.
Lemon up?
I got a job! I now work nights at a treatment center for teens with eating disorders. It makes me think a lot about my food habits, and very thankful that I don't have an eating disorder. I think mostly I'm too lazy to care that much about controlling food intake to that degree, although If I was a bit more type A personality, I don't think it would have been that much of a jump.
I'm having trouble getting enough sleep. Do we ever get enough sleep? Well, 4 or 5 hours is def not enough. It doesn't help that there's barking dogs, daylight, and the general bodily desire to be awake in the middle of the day. Also I'm pretty sure there was a helicopter circling the neighborhood today.
I got my room painted in the house I'll be moving into! Its a nice peachy orangy color, and I've got green blackout curtains I need to put up. Everyone is working on moving in, and I hope to be in by my birthday (which is less than three weeks out!).
Progress with the good Dr has been slow, but i think moving forward. We had a nice cuddle the other night, and he kissed the top of my head. It was super sweet. And speaking of things I hope to have done by my birthday... perhaps a dtr? I guess we'll see.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm absolutely in LOVE with this song.
Lemon up?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Square1
Back to the drawing board.
Neither jobs I interviewed hired me. poop.
I've got a few more applications in that i think i might have a chance for.
I did get to go to the Olympics this past weekend. So awesome. Glad to have had something nice to distract me from all the bad news.
Had dinner with Dr Bravo last night, that was great.
nothing really else.
lemon
Neither jobs I interviewed hired me. poop.
I've got a few more applications in that i think i might have a chance for.
I did get to go to the Olympics this past weekend. So awesome. Glad to have had something nice to distract me from all the bad news.
Had dinner with Dr Bravo last night, that was great.
nothing really else.
lemon
Monday, February 22, 2010
Just Keep Swimming
So its been over a week since my last update. I've eaten all the chocolates mr awkard sent, the flowers are on the table, and I haven't spoken to him nor has he contacted me since.
I've been through two rounds of interviews at the children center I've applied to, and I'm just waiting to hear from them.* I've got my round two interview at the hospital tomorrow morning. The waiting game is killing me. ugh.
Not much to say about Dr Bravo either. We're still hanging out lots, but still no kiss. Friend Zone? I hope not.
So... I guess I'll let you all know when i know more. hopefully soon.
*as soon as i signed out of this account, and into my email i found a rejection notice from the child center. They went with someone else.
I've been through two rounds of interviews at the children center I've applied to, and I'm just waiting to hear from them.* I've got my round two interview at the hospital tomorrow morning. The waiting game is killing me. ugh.
Not much to say about Dr Bravo either. We're still hanging out lots, but still no kiss. Friend Zone? I hope not.
So... I guess I'll let you all know when i know more. hopefully soon.
*as soon as i signed out of this account, and into my email i found a rejection notice from the child center. They went with someone else.
Friday, February 12, 2010
flowers and lies
I woke up this morning and decided i would be very direct with Dr Bravo. Since mr awkward had denied being the source of the flowers, i only had one other guess.
I texted the dr "did you send me flowers?" and he said "no, did you get flowers?"
"yeah," i replied "but there wasn't a name on them. odd."
He responded "your secret admirer's calendar is off by a few days."
So, I've given him a few things to chew over. 1. I have a secret admirer, that isn't him. 2. I would think that he likes me enough that he would send me flowers, and 3. possibly that i hoped that he had sent them.
Well, then, who sent them?
Mr awkward popped up on facebook chat, and i asked him again "honestly [mr] did you send me flowers?"
He said "no."
I gave the whole situation some thought, so I did some investigating, and on the box the flowers came in there was a phone number, With the area code from the city i moved out of just a few months ago. Hmmm, i checked the number with various single men i know of in the area (whose numbers i had in my cell), and no matches.
I went back to facebook, looked up the profile for mr awkward, and there. Yes. Its a match.
So, now, not only is he awkward, but he lied to me. Just plain lied.
Now I've gone from grateful for beautiful flowers and slightly confused, to extremely put out... and severely confused.
I get that he probably still has some sort of torch burning for me, but we've been over this. Its not happening.
Here's hoping this whole situation will help me define very clearly two different relationships... and even more so that one flame would be snuffed out for good, and the other flamed into some hot hot lovin! haha
Lemon... hopeful?
I texted the dr "did you send me flowers?" and he said "no, did you get flowers?"
"yeah," i replied "but there wasn't a name on them. odd."
He responded "your secret admirer's calendar is off by a few days."
So, I've given him a few things to chew over. 1. I have a secret admirer, that isn't him. 2. I would think that he likes me enough that he would send me flowers, and 3. possibly that i hoped that he had sent them.
Well, then, who sent them?
Mr awkward popped up on facebook chat, and i asked him again "honestly [mr] did you send me flowers?"
He said "no."
I gave the whole situation some thought, so I did some investigating, and on the box the flowers came in there was a phone number, With the area code from the city i moved out of just a few months ago. Hmmm, i checked the number with various single men i know of in the area (whose numbers i had in my cell), and no matches.
I went back to facebook, looked up the profile for mr awkward, and there. Yes. Its a match.
So, now, not only is he awkward, but he lied to me. Just plain lied.
Now I've gone from grateful for beautiful flowers and slightly confused, to extremely put out... and severely confused.
I get that he probably still has some sort of torch burning for me, but we've been over this. Its not happening.
Here's hoping this whole situation will help me define very clearly two different relationships... and even more so that one flame would be snuffed out for good, and the other flamed into some hot hot lovin! haha
Lemon... hopeful?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A little help, please!
Today was the second day in a row of job interviews. Yesterday's interview at a local group home went very well. I like the facility, and although it is currently my second choice, I think I would really like it there if thats how the cards are played.
I had a phone interview this morning about a mental health professional position at the local Childrens' hospital. It must have gone well enough, since I got an email this afternoon asking me to come in for an in person interview. YAY!
I'm likely to start working at the group home, and when things become clear about the job at the hospital make a final decision. Probably, for a while I'll take both jobs.
Then, as I'm pacing the living room, trying to make major life decisions, The UPS truck stops on our street. The guy brings a package up to my front door, rings the doorbell and runs back to his truck. I open the front door to see a box from a flower company.
Flowers? Who in our house would get flowers?
Lo and behold... Its MY name on the label! WHAT?! I open the box, and its a dozen roses. red, pink, white. But...
There's no name on the card. NO NAME! Who does that?
I can instantly think of two guys who would likely send me flowers, unsigned. There's the obvious, and I really hope it was him, Dr Bravo. He seems the type to put forth some effort, especially with the dreaded Vday in the next few days.
Then... there's mr awkward. The smelly guy i knew in college, who recently said he was going to send me something in the mail. I facebook messaged him to ask "did you send me flowers" and he replied by saying his package was sent out yesterday, so shouldn't be here yet. Then replied again asking if i wanted him to send flowers.
I'm taking that as a no. But i guess i'll know for sure if/when a package comes from him in the next few days.
No matter the situation, I have roses on my table.
Also, I've run about 11 miles in the last week. WOOO!
Lemon UP!
I had a phone interview this morning about a mental health professional position at the local Childrens' hospital. It must have gone well enough, since I got an email this afternoon asking me to come in for an in person interview. YAY!
I'm likely to start working at the group home, and when things become clear about the job at the hospital make a final decision. Probably, for a while I'll take both jobs.
Then, as I'm pacing the living room, trying to make major life decisions, The UPS truck stops on our street. The guy brings a package up to my front door, rings the doorbell and runs back to his truck. I open the front door to see a box from a flower company.
Flowers? Who in our house would get flowers?
Lo and behold... Its MY name on the label! WHAT?! I open the box, and its a dozen roses. red, pink, white. But...
There's no name on the card. NO NAME! Who does that?
I can instantly think of two guys who would likely send me flowers, unsigned. There's the obvious, and I really hope it was him, Dr Bravo. He seems the type to put forth some effort, especially with the dreaded Vday in the next few days.
Then... there's mr awkward. The smelly guy i knew in college, who recently said he was going to send me something in the mail. I facebook messaged him to ask "did you send me flowers" and he replied by saying his package was sent out yesterday, so shouldn't be here yet. Then replied again asking if i wanted him to send flowers.
I'm taking that as a no. But i guess i'll know for sure if/when a package comes from him in the next few days.
No matter the situation, I have roses on my table.
Also, I've run about 11 miles in the last week. WOOO!
Lemon UP!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Good Day
These are the things that made my day wonderful:
bought a new outfit for my interview tomorrow. Long shirt/dress (green) with grey slacks, and black heals.
Went grocery shopping, bought fresh fruit, veggies, and all sorts of various healthy things.
Made dinner, it was delicious. Couscous with chicken and veggies.
Went to bible study. Hung out with some cool kids, discussed Jesus.
Ran 2.25 miles with Dr Bravo. He got to introduce himself to my parents and got to talk cars with my dad.
He said he'll call me tomorrow.
Lemon Out.
bought a new outfit for my interview tomorrow. Long shirt/dress (green) with grey slacks, and black heals.
Went grocery shopping, bought fresh fruit, veggies, and all sorts of various healthy things.
Made dinner, it was delicious. Couscous with chicken and veggies.
Went to bible study. Hung out with some cool kids, discussed Jesus.
Ran 2.25 miles with Dr Bravo. He got to introduce himself to my parents and got to talk cars with my dad.
He said he'll call me tomorrow.
Lemon Out.
Monday, February 8, 2010
From both sides
Funny thing happened yesterday.
Dr Bravo called to see if I wanted to go for a run. He talked me into it, and gave me a time when he'd pick me up after work.
My mom asked what my plans for the day included, and I told her we were going for a run. She then starts berating me about not having met this boy, and he can come in next time he picks me up. I reminded her that she's met him before, and she said that ten years ago didn't count. I rolled my eyes, and told her not to put pressure on me and my undefined relationships.
Mom left for the afternoon, and shortly there after the Dr stopped by to pick me up. We headed for a local trail, and ended up "running" (there was a bit of walking... I'm out of shape) a little over 3 miles.
On the way back to my house the Dr said to make sure to say "hi" to my parents for him. I said sure, I would, and he chimed in that he hadn't met them. What is this? some sort of Deja vous? I reminded him that he has met my parents, and again, he claimed that back in high school didn't count.
Is it just me, or does anyone else see a pattern developing here?
We pulled up to the front yard, and my dad happened to be standing on the porch, giving car keys back to a lady he's been helping out. The dr looked at me, and said "should i say hi? I should go shake his hand."
"ya, sure, if you want to" I replied, and he turned off the car. We walked up to the front door, and I said "Dad, you remember [Dr Bravo], right?"
Dad says "ya, sure" then turns to go back in the house without giving the Dr a second look. Dr Bravo speaks up, and states that he wants to shake Dad's hand, so dad obliges, then abruptly turns around and disappears into the house. AWKWARD. Dr Bravo is standing there, looking a little stunned by the quickness of it all.
I've got both mom and the Dr harping on me how they haven't gotten officially introduced since I was 18, while dad not only doesn't seem too worried about getting an introduction... or sticking around once he gets one.
I'm not really sure what's gotten into everyone lately, but I'm not going to complain if he's the one prompting introductions.
Lemon Out.
Dr Bravo called to see if I wanted to go for a run. He talked me into it, and gave me a time when he'd pick me up after work.
My mom asked what my plans for the day included, and I told her we were going for a run. She then starts berating me about not having met this boy, and he can come in next time he picks me up. I reminded her that she's met him before, and she said that ten years ago didn't count. I rolled my eyes, and told her not to put pressure on me and my undefined relationships.
Mom left for the afternoon, and shortly there after the Dr stopped by to pick me up. We headed for a local trail, and ended up "running" (there was a bit of walking... I'm out of shape) a little over 3 miles.
On the way back to my house the Dr said to make sure to say "hi" to my parents for him. I said sure, I would, and he chimed in that he hadn't met them. What is this? some sort of Deja vous? I reminded him that he has met my parents, and again, he claimed that back in high school didn't count.
Is it just me, or does anyone else see a pattern developing here?
We pulled up to the front yard, and my dad happened to be standing on the porch, giving car keys back to a lady he's been helping out. The dr looked at me, and said "should i say hi? I should go shake his hand."
"ya, sure, if you want to" I replied, and he turned off the car. We walked up to the front door, and I said "Dad, you remember [Dr Bravo], right?"
Dad says "ya, sure" then turns to go back in the house without giving the Dr a second look. Dr Bravo speaks up, and states that he wants to shake Dad's hand, so dad obliges, then abruptly turns around and disappears into the house. AWKWARD. Dr Bravo is standing there, looking a little stunned by the quickness of it all.
I've got both mom and the Dr harping on me how they haven't gotten officially introduced since I was 18, while dad not only doesn't seem too worried about getting an introduction... or sticking around once he gets one.
I'm not really sure what's gotten into everyone lately, but I'm not going to complain if he's the one prompting introductions.
Lemon Out.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Not a bad weekend
Saturday night was, for all intents and purposes, a success.
He texted to asked if I could take a photo of him as a part of his med school application, and since I was already elbow deep in homemade marinara sauce, I said sure, to come on over, and if he was hungry I would feed him too. He called me back and said he'd be on his way in just a few minutes, and that he loved me.
I made a quick call to my favorite Crushologist to discuss this revelation, and pass the nervous minutes until I heard him rumble up to my front door. Lets be honest, a large part of me wants to pretend like he wasn't just super excited to get food, and that he really always has loved me, and he's just now saying it about food, so as to get it out in the open.
Once he arrived, we realized I didn't have any vegetables for a side dish, so he offered to head to the grocery store to pick some up, and get some wine. Who was I to say no to either?
Two bottles of Cab Sauv later we attempted to take a photo, but the lighting was poor, and my hand wasn't very steady. We decided to give it up, and head out to a party he knew of. He said a guy we used to know from high school would be there, and we were off.
We arrived, and not only did I know one guy from high school, I knew all sorts of people. Apparently the Dr stays in better contact with people I knew in Middle School than I do with lots of people i knew in college. Weird. Ok, so maybe not super weird, since we all went to high school together, I just lost touch with them all after middle school. The joys of going to a large school.
The party was a good time. I got asked a few times why I would waste my time with the Dr, as if I'm way better than he is, as if I'm out of his league, above his standard of dating. I think this was mostly a combination of shock that I still exist, and general picking on him. I'm not super worried about it.
On the drive back to my house he repeatedly gave my shoulder a little push, so as to cause me to lose my balance into the side door. My complaints of "heyyy" were received, and yet taken to mean "do that again!" Its just possible, that he read that correctly.
The physical touch has increased from 0 (like when we studied at the library) to a light to medium amount of flirt-ful touches, pushes, etc. Still no kiss though. There was a moment, standing next to his car as he dropped me off, that I thought could have evolved into a good night kiss. But he didn't go for it, and I don't need to throw myself at him.
Sunday he asked if we could try to get that picture done, so he came over again. I was hungover, he was hungover, I made him sit quietly through the last ten minutes of the Grey's Anatomy my sisters and I had been watching. My sisters excused themselves politely, as they both had places to go, and there we were, alone. He got his photo taken, and sent it off with his acceptance for his Med School interview. He hung out for a little over an hour longer, then decided he needed to go home and take a nap. I got a nice hug, and sent him on his way.
It was a very pleasant weekend overall, even with a hangover.
Lemon Out
He texted to asked if I could take a photo of him as a part of his med school application, and since I was already elbow deep in homemade marinara sauce, I said sure, to come on over, and if he was hungry I would feed him too. He called me back and said he'd be on his way in just a few minutes, and that he loved me.
I made a quick call to my favorite Crushologist to discuss this revelation, and pass the nervous minutes until I heard him rumble up to my front door. Lets be honest, a large part of me wants to pretend like he wasn't just super excited to get food, and that he really always has loved me, and he's just now saying it about food, so as to get it out in the open.
Once he arrived, we realized I didn't have any vegetables for a side dish, so he offered to head to the grocery store to pick some up, and get some wine. Who was I to say no to either?
Two bottles of Cab Sauv later we attempted to take a photo, but the lighting was poor, and my hand wasn't very steady. We decided to give it up, and head out to a party he knew of. He said a guy we used to know from high school would be there, and we were off.
We arrived, and not only did I know one guy from high school, I knew all sorts of people. Apparently the Dr stays in better contact with people I knew in Middle School than I do with lots of people i knew in college. Weird. Ok, so maybe not super weird, since we all went to high school together, I just lost touch with them all after middle school. The joys of going to a large school.
The party was a good time. I got asked a few times why I would waste my time with the Dr, as if I'm way better than he is, as if I'm out of his league, above his standard of dating. I think this was mostly a combination of shock that I still exist, and general picking on him. I'm not super worried about it.
On the drive back to my house he repeatedly gave my shoulder a little push, so as to cause me to lose my balance into the side door. My complaints of "heyyy" were received, and yet taken to mean "do that again!" Its just possible, that he read that correctly.
The physical touch has increased from 0 (like when we studied at the library) to a light to medium amount of flirt-ful touches, pushes, etc. Still no kiss though. There was a moment, standing next to his car as he dropped me off, that I thought could have evolved into a good night kiss. But he didn't go for it, and I don't need to throw myself at him.
Sunday he asked if we could try to get that picture done, so he came over again. I was hungover, he was hungover, I made him sit quietly through the last ten minutes of the Grey's Anatomy my sisters and I had been watching. My sisters excused themselves politely, as they both had places to go, and there we were, alone. He got his photo taken, and sent it off with his acceptance for his Med School interview. He hung out for a little over an hour longer, then decided he needed to go home and take a nap. I got a nice hug, and sent him on his way.
It was a very pleasant weekend overall, even with a hangover.
Lemon Out
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Disasterous
First of all, this is a bit of a pity party.
I managed to take the GRE on Thursday. It was misadventure after misadventure to finally find the place, and have my ID to start the test, but I finally got to take it. Looks like I got pretty mediocre scores, so I guess we'll see how that goes for Grad School applications.
I got another round of job rejection emails this past week as well.
This morning I had the ridiculous idea that figuring out my tax refund would put me in a better mood. It did not. I only made 81% of what I made in 2008... and I wasn't close to making a million dollars that year. My refund doesn't look as bad as originally though (freaked out over), but it isn't as much as last year either.
It is enough, however, to possibly cover the cost of a Motorcycle safety course that Dr Bravo wants us to take together. He didn't make it to Karaoke Thursday night, but we have "plans" to hang out this evening.
Well, I'm off to apply for more jobs.
Lemon out
I managed to take the GRE on Thursday. It was misadventure after misadventure to finally find the place, and have my ID to start the test, but I finally got to take it. Looks like I got pretty mediocre scores, so I guess we'll see how that goes for Grad School applications.
I got another round of job rejection emails this past week as well.
This morning I had the ridiculous idea that figuring out my tax refund would put me in a better mood. It did not. I only made 81% of what I made in 2008... and I wasn't close to making a million dollars that year. My refund doesn't look as bad as originally though (freaked out over), but it isn't as much as last year either.
It is enough, however, to possibly cover the cost of a Motorcycle safety course that Dr Bravo wants us to take together. He didn't make it to Karaoke Thursday night, but we have "plans" to hang out this evening.
Well, I'm off to apply for more jobs.
Lemon out
Monday, January 25, 2010
Study Time
I don't want to be studying any more. My GRE is scheduled for Thursday at 8am. EW.
Its two more study days away. The Dr offered to help distract me if needed, which is the best offer I've gotten in a long time! Who needs study help when people are offering distractions!
He also said he'll join a few friends and I for Karaoke Thursday evening, as a possible celebratory and/or commiseratory event.
So, all in all progress has been made with boys and with math.
Or I guess we'll get my scores in 10-15 days.
Its two more study days away. The Dr offered to help distract me if needed, which is the best offer I've gotten in a long time! Who needs study help when people are offering distractions!
He also said he'll join a few friends and I for Karaoke Thursday evening, as a possible celebratory and/or commiseratory event.
So, all in all progress has been made with boys and with math.
Or I guess we'll get my scores in 10-15 days.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Maybe a little early to tell
So, Just got home from a nice long evening with the Dr.
He called Tuesday afternoon to check to see if I was dieing from my hangover (pshaw, please, no hangover here!) and to make sure someone was able to get me back to my car. Brownie points for the check in call. Not even a text, a call!
Today was a really slow day on the unemployment front. REALLY SLOW. I even began reorganizing my room to a point where it might be conceived of as decorating. Oh, plus you can see the floor. So, about 4:00 or so, I texted him saying I was super bored. He texted back that he was at work but could meet up with me later.
As much fun as I had with him Monday night at the bar, knowing that we had great conversation, I can't remember exactly every word I said... and wonder if maybe I over shared on a thing or two. So I thought perhaps I'd like to do something... sober.
We eventually decided to meet at starbucks. I went a little early, so to order my own drink first and pay for it myself. I don't need him thinking I need or expect him to pay all the time. I played with my Nintendo DS (NY Times Crossword puzzle game) as I waited for him, and he showed up just in time to help me finish off the last four or five clues.
(prove I'm autonomous. check.
Make him feel smart. check.)
We spent 6 hours talking. SIX HOURS!!! And it flew by. I haven't had so much to talk about with someone, and have it be intelligent conversation in a LONG time. Religion (I've actually found someone who shares religious beliefs with me... huh, strange), politics, philosophy, science (that was more along the lines of me listening), fast cars, fast motorcycles, the pros and cons of joining the army. We laughed a lot, both at ourselves and other people.
I'm a little nervous about my possible residency in Friendville though. Since we do have a platonic history, I wonder if we can overcome that into... anything.
Take, for instance, his offer to "bite the bullet and pretend to be with you" next time I have to deal with The Farmer so that we can make fun of him. Is that his way of inviting himself to hang out with my friends, so that he can sum up the type of guy I'm not interested in dating? Or is that a statement that he is not actually interested in anything other than bi-weekly 6 hour hang outs at places like bars and coffee shops, and being seen with me is possibly only slightly better than a poke in the eye?
I think I'll let him initiate the next get together. I still have his sweatshirt, so there's at least that.
I'm heading up to my family cabin for a couple of nights of girl fun with a good friend. I'm sure, with the best help, I'll dissect the crap out of every piece of conversation I can remember with the Dr from this week.
It is possible I'm getting a little a head of my self here... but:
The future Mrs Dr Lemon Out!
Editor's note The Farmer has been re dubbed Ex-Wife, since he girled out on me, and no longer plays silly facebook farming games. Sadly, he knows that I call him this, a friend slipped up in saying in front of his face with on the phone with me. Ugh, I hope he doesn't girl out more. He worries me sometimes.
He called Tuesday afternoon to check to see if I was dieing from my hangover (pshaw, please, no hangover here!) and to make sure someone was able to get me back to my car. Brownie points for the check in call. Not even a text, a call!
Today was a really slow day on the unemployment front. REALLY SLOW. I even began reorganizing my room to a point where it might be conceived of as decorating. Oh, plus you can see the floor. So, about 4:00 or so, I texted him saying I was super bored. He texted back that he was at work but could meet up with me later.
As much fun as I had with him Monday night at the bar, knowing that we had great conversation, I can't remember exactly every word I said... and wonder if maybe I over shared on a thing or two. So I thought perhaps I'd like to do something... sober.
We eventually decided to meet at starbucks. I went a little early, so to order my own drink first and pay for it myself. I don't need him thinking I need or expect him to pay all the time. I played with my Nintendo DS (NY Times Crossword puzzle game) as I waited for him, and he showed up just in time to help me finish off the last four or five clues.
(prove I'm autonomous. check.
Make him feel smart. check.)
We spent 6 hours talking. SIX HOURS!!! And it flew by. I haven't had so much to talk about with someone, and have it be intelligent conversation in a LONG time. Religion (I've actually found someone who shares religious beliefs with me... huh, strange), politics, philosophy, science (that was more along the lines of me listening), fast cars, fast motorcycles, the pros and cons of joining the army. We laughed a lot, both at ourselves and other people.
I'm a little nervous about my possible residency in Friendville though. Since we do have a platonic history, I wonder if we can overcome that into... anything.
Take, for instance, his offer to "bite the bullet and pretend to be with you" next time I have to deal with The Farmer so that we can make fun of him. Is that his way of inviting himself to hang out with my friends, so that he can sum up the type of guy I'm not interested in dating? Or is that a statement that he is not actually interested in anything other than bi-weekly 6 hour hang outs at places like bars and coffee shops, and being seen with me is possibly only slightly better than a poke in the eye?
I think I'll let him initiate the next get together. I still have his sweatshirt, so there's at least that.
I'm heading up to my family cabin for a couple of nights of girl fun with a good friend. I'm sure, with the best help, I'll dissect the crap out of every piece of conversation I can remember with the Dr from this week.
It is possible I'm getting a little a head of my self here... but:
The future Mrs Dr Lemon Out!
Editor's note The Farmer has been re dubbed Ex-Wife, since he girled out on me, and no longer plays silly facebook farming games. Sadly, he knows that I call him this, a friend slipped up in saying in front of his face with on the phone with me. Ugh, I hope he doesn't girl out more. He worries me sometimes.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
only one drink too many, i promise!
So, last night I suggested to Dr Bravo that we go get that beer he had mentioned last week. He replied "absolutely!" and we figured out which bar to meet at (he wanted to beat me at pool), and when.
I vaguely told my mom i was going out for the night (she was ok with this, then left me a not about harvesting her farmville when i got home on my laptop), then headed out for a game of bar festivities or two.
I met the Dr at a bar that had been renamed several times over the years, we played a game or two (i only won on technicalities) and i drank beer after beer after beer, as he kept pouring them for me. Eventually some sort of organized tournament started, and we had to migrate to the back of the bar (maybe the word was meander), and we continued to converse and discuss things such as science, religion, medicine, psychiatry, and life experiences. I let him know if he asked specific questions he would get specific answers, and also that he had pumped enough alcohol into me that i was actually likely to get honest answers as well.
I can't remember the last time a boy... no, man asked me such interesting questions, and despite my inebriated state, have i answered so eloquently. or many that was just the beer. but it was good beer, so i assume they were good answers.
He knew a few people at the bar, conversed with them, introduced me, and overall we had a great time.
I was in such a state that driving myself home wasn't a good idea, so he dropped me off. On the way home he offered me (and i took) his sweatshirt, and offered to bring me back to the bar if i needed such vehicular assistance tomorrow. I hopefully will find someone to drive me out to get my car sometime in the early afternoon, when i finally wake.
On the way out the bar, a girl i had met (someone's girlfriend, jen, maybe) asked if i was going home with [dr bravo], and when i said no, she seemed disappointed. then asked if maybe next time. Knowing that my personal convictions weren't the social norms, i answered "maybe" and she seemed appeased.
No kiss goodnight, but then again, his loud and large truck didn't really facilitate such... but maybe i didn't give it enough effort. Sometimes i miss the signs to such an opportunity. Maybe i missed out, but i think he seemed to understand that i wasn't quite myself.
I really did have a wonderful time. I'm glad to have spend some time with someone i knew, and haven't known since 8 years ago. So much more to explain, and yet, sleep calls me.
yay! Dr bravo might just be... great!
lemon... vadka'd
I vaguely told my mom i was going out for the night (she was ok with this, then left me a not about harvesting her farmville when i got home on my laptop), then headed out for a game of bar festivities or two.
I met the Dr at a bar that had been renamed several times over the years, we played a game or two (i only won on technicalities) and i drank beer after beer after beer, as he kept pouring them for me. Eventually some sort of organized tournament started, and we had to migrate to the back of the bar (maybe the word was meander), and we continued to converse and discuss things such as science, religion, medicine, psychiatry, and life experiences. I let him know if he asked specific questions he would get specific answers, and also that he had pumped enough alcohol into me that i was actually likely to get honest answers as well.
I can't remember the last time a boy... no, man asked me such interesting questions, and despite my inebriated state, have i answered so eloquently. or many that was just the beer. but it was good beer, so i assume they were good answers.
He knew a few people at the bar, conversed with them, introduced me, and overall we had a great time.
I was in such a state that driving myself home wasn't a good idea, so he dropped me off. On the way home he offered me (and i took) his sweatshirt, and offered to bring me back to the bar if i needed such vehicular assistance tomorrow. I hopefully will find someone to drive me out to get my car sometime in the early afternoon, when i finally wake.
On the way out the bar, a girl i had met (someone's girlfriend, jen, maybe) asked if i was going home with [dr bravo], and when i said no, she seemed disappointed. then asked if maybe next time. Knowing that my personal convictions weren't the social norms, i answered "maybe" and she seemed appeased.
No kiss goodnight, but then again, his loud and large truck didn't really facilitate such... but maybe i didn't give it enough effort. Sometimes i miss the signs to such an opportunity. Maybe i missed out, but i think he seemed to understand that i wasn't quite myself.
I really did have a wonderful time. I'm glad to have spend some time with someone i knew, and haven't known since 8 years ago. So much more to explain, and yet, sleep calls me.
yay! Dr bravo might just be... great!
lemon... vadka'd
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Math of Love
Apparently the way to get a guy to notice you, is to ask for help with math. It worked on CPR, hell, even Toaster used to think it was cute I needed so much math explanation. Maybe I'm just feeding into the male need to be the bigger, faster, stronger, smarter etc. I'm not saying I endorse this mindset in the long run, but a little flattery seems to help in the beginning.
Dr Bravo met me at the public library for about an hour of math review for my GRE test. I had been quite frustrated the previous few days on my inability to remember how to do basic math functions. Most of this is due to forgetting math vocab words. Ya know, Quotient, Factor, etc, but the good doctor was in, and helped remind me of what was going on.
On the way out the door he said to make sure to call if I needed any more help, or to just go get a beet sometime. I said I would, and that a beer would be fun.
I got in the car and immediately called a friend and said
"Remember how ridiculously good looking [Dr Bravo] was in high school?"
She replied "uuuuuh, yeah!"
"well, he's only gotten better looking."
Dr Bravo met me at the public library for about an hour of math review for my GRE test. I had been quite frustrated the previous few days on my inability to remember how to do basic math functions. Most of this is due to forgetting math vocab words. Ya know, Quotient, Factor, etc, but the good doctor was in, and helped remind me of what was going on.
On the way out the door he said to make sure to call if I needed any more help, or to just go get a beet sometime. I said I would, and that a beer would be fun.
I got in the car and immediately called a friend and said
"Remember how ridiculously good looking [Dr Bravo] was in high school?"
She replied "uuuuuh, yeah!"
"well, he's only gotten better looking."
Friday, January 8, 2010
Can't sleep
Good thing I've got a bunch of people around me to keep me exercising, and taking my vitamins, otherwise I'd stay in bed all day.
And what good does that do me? I'm always tired, and can't fall asleep. And its 3am when I start getting nostalgic about people I shouldn't. Would one text to CLBF really be that bad? Its always late at night that i miss him the most. Its when i can easily forget his faults, and dwell on the things I screwed up on.
But, even if I told him how much I still think about him... we still live several hundred miles apart and he still doesn't know or love Jesus.
I guess its times like these when I should be grateful I left my phone in my car. Heaven knows I'm not going outside at this hour.
Seriously, though, why have my sleep patterns altered so rapidly? Last week I couldn't sleep past 9, and I tried! This week its impossible to fall asleep before 2am.
I should try again here, since I've committed to running 3 miles tomorrow afternoon. Then Coffee with an old college buddy, then I'm cooking dinner for the group, and we're hittin up Karaoke as a birthday celebration!
Lemon awake...
And what good does that do me? I'm always tired, and can't fall asleep. And its 3am when I start getting nostalgic about people I shouldn't. Would one text to CLBF really be that bad? Its always late at night that i miss him the most. Its when i can easily forget his faults, and dwell on the things I screwed up on.
But, even if I told him how much I still think about him... we still live several hundred miles apart and he still doesn't know or love Jesus.
I guess its times like these when I should be grateful I left my phone in my car. Heaven knows I'm not going outside at this hour.
Seriously, though, why have my sleep patterns altered so rapidly? Last week I couldn't sleep past 9, and I tried! This week its impossible to fall asleep before 2am.
I should try again here, since I've committed to running 3 miles tomorrow afternoon. Then Coffee with an old college buddy, then I'm cooking dinner for the group, and we're hittin up Karaoke as a birthday celebration!
Lemon awake...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Game Over, Replay?
I sure hope that 2010 goes a bit differently than 09. There are a few things that I would have done differently... boys... jobs... life. But, I can't and so as I stare down a new calendar year hoping that I've learned my lessons and will do things differently if given the chance.
I very much miss CLBF, but now know better than to let relationships go undefined for so long. Also, either not getting involved with people if there's an expiration date OR not setting expiration dates on relationships.
Perhaps my fleeting moments with CPR have taught me to date within my own religious/moral standards. He never admitted that it was the no sex thing that caused his disappearance, but everything else seemed to be going well. CLBF had been very patient with me, so I expected CPR to be so as well.
It reminds me of a character on a TV show that I enjoy. The female lead is an older woman, and gets knocked up by a younger man. I think it's obvious as to why I like this scenario... anyway, younger man is begins dating another girl, then decides he doesn't want to continue the relationship. While trying to figure out what to do, He says to Older female "I don't want her to think I'm a bad guy... so i just won't call her." TYPICAL!
I've also begun to really feel the recession... "they" say we're out of it, but I'd like to have a word with "them." Maybe "they" can pay my student loans while I'm still out of a job. Or, maybe I can have one of "their" jobs.
But I'm trying SO hard to enter 2010 with a positive attitude! I've even exercised twice this week! I've got plenty more jobs to research and apply for. I'll be heading to the Unemployment Services office Wednesday morning to get a good resume make over. And, I've scheduled a date for my GRE test. Its coming up quickly, and I'm looking forward to getting that over.
Also, I reconnected with a few people i knew in high school. That's what facebook is for, right?* Stalking people you used to know?! Ya, well, this was a guy that made many a heart flutter, and he's awaiting his acceptance into med school. AND through a quick catch up facebook chat session he offered to help me study the math section for the GREs. So, DR Bravo, I look forward to you helping me with my math issues.
Lemon Optimistic
* And, on new years day, I only spent a few minutes staring at CPR, CLBF, and Toaster's profiles... then facebook got taken away from me. Thats what real friends are for!
I very much miss CLBF, but now know better than to let relationships go undefined for so long. Also, either not getting involved with people if there's an expiration date OR not setting expiration dates on relationships.
Perhaps my fleeting moments with CPR have taught me to date within my own religious/moral standards. He never admitted that it was the no sex thing that caused his disappearance, but everything else seemed to be going well. CLBF had been very patient with me, so I expected CPR to be so as well.
It reminds me of a character on a TV show that I enjoy. The female lead is an older woman, and gets knocked up by a younger man. I think it's obvious as to why I like this scenario... anyway, younger man is begins dating another girl, then decides he doesn't want to continue the relationship. While trying to figure out what to do, He says to Older female "I don't want her to think I'm a bad guy... so i just won't call her." TYPICAL!
I've also begun to really feel the recession... "they" say we're out of it, but I'd like to have a word with "them." Maybe "they" can pay my student loans while I'm still out of a job. Or, maybe I can have one of "their" jobs.
But I'm trying SO hard to enter 2010 with a positive attitude! I've even exercised twice this week! I've got plenty more jobs to research and apply for. I'll be heading to the Unemployment Services office Wednesday morning to get a good resume make over. And, I've scheduled a date for my GRE test. Its coming up quickly, and I'm looking forward to getting that over.
Also, I reconnected with a few people i knew in high school. That's what facebook is for, right?* Stalking people you used to know?! Ya, well, this was a guy that made many a heart flutter, and he's awaiting his acceptance into med school. AND through a quick catch up facebook chat session he offered to help me study the math section for the GREs. So, DR Bravo, I look forward to you helping me with my math issues.
Lemon Optimistic
* And, on new years day, I only spent a few minutes staring at CPR, CLBF, and Toaster's profiles... then facebook got taken away from me. Thats what real friends are for!
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