A while ago I mentioned a new hire at work, and i dubbed him CPR. We work together 2, sometimes 3 times a week. He opens up the pool at 5am, and I join in the fun at 10. We hang out, wash windows, listen to music, and talk talk talk til 1pm, when his shift ends, and he jumps in to lap swim. We are the worst lifeguard pair in the history of all my lifeguarding experience.
We've almost hung out a few times now. He almost went with my friend/boss and I to donate blood two weeks ago, but then chickened out. Then we almost went as a staff outting to the "Haunted Trails" being put on at the park where we work... but then I got sick. He's mentioned I could join him and his friends rock climbing, and we were discussing Halloween plans today while working.
Then he drops the bomb. He asks, if I don't have other plans, if maybe we could hit a bar or two halloween night. I said maybe, sure. I'm not sure if he asked me out, or if he just wants a familiar face to get shit faced with. Freak Out begins NOW!
I've been thinking about this guy for a week or two now. He's tall, dark, handsome, funny, intelligent, passionate, and super fun to work with! BUT, he's got no church background or current involvement. Getting involved with this guy is asking for trouble. Not that he's trouble, but didn't I learn anything from CLBF? Why would I want to jump into another relationship of any sort that I know won't go anywhere?
The church things is a huge deal breaker for me. And I need to start a new chapter in my life where I don't even start relationships with men who I know will break the deal.
Does that mean I don't want to get some mouth to mouth action with CPR until then? no... I want it bad.
BUT its a BAD IDEA. Follow my slippery slope here. I'm likely to have a friend's house as home base for Saturday night, since i Don't want to drive/drive 45 miles to get home. So, i've figured out how to not have to drive drunk, so I'll allow myself to drink. a lot. So, there I am, hanging out, drunk with CPR. I'm attracted to him, he's attracted to me, and we have a nice drunk make out. Say, after this point, i bring him back to my friend's house. Now, drunk or not, I know i'm not going to sleep with him, but i'm sure more drunken make outs are to follow.
then Sunday morning, I have to not only do a walk of shame of sorts back to my parents house (45 mile drive), and maybe even straight to church. and really, is that the way to go to church? and then how do i face CPR when we work together monday? and then what are his expectataions? and when do i tell him that we shouldn't be together? and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I need help.
basically, to sum up that crazy rant, my self control has been needing daily pep talks.
Man, i think i need to quit boys for a while.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Playing Games!
So I've been playing games with a man... but wait, not in that way!!!
My new favorite activity is to go through my parents' DVR/Tivo and erase old shows, movies, episodes, etc to free up space! The best part... listening to Dad swear at the machine as he searches for something he recorded months ago, and just now feels like watching! BWAhahahahahah! He hasn't caught on in the slightest, and thinks the DVR has some sort of expiration date on shows that haven't been watched.
I probably shouldn't take so much joy out of confusing the hell out of Dad, but gosh its still funny! I'm really proud of myself for not giving myself away either!
Lemon Victorious!
My new favorite activity is to go through my parents' DVR/Tivo and erase old shows, movies, episodes, etc to free up space! The best part... listening to Dad swear at the machine as he searches for something he recorded months ago, and just now feels like watching! BWAhahahahahah! He hasn't caught on in the slightest, and thinks the DVR has some sort of expiration date on shows that haven't been watched.
I probably shouldn't take so much joy out of confusing the hell out of Dad, but gosh its still funny! I'm really proud of myself for not giving myself away either!
Lemon Victorious!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Music to Madness
I seem to be enjoying m titles lately. Hmmm.
Music. Sometimes I forget how much whats being pumped into my ears all day long can actually affect my mood. Sometimes I want to frolic. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes it makes me want to dance! More often than not, and especially with pop music, it makes me feel lonely and pathetic.
Specifically Kings of Leon's Use Somebody has me thinking of CLBF (he really really likes this band), but also, just in general, I hope that someone is looking for someone like me(Woooaoaaoooaoaoao whoaooaoaaoo).
I just recently stumbled upon this song, and i keep coming back to it. The lyrics have an interesting mix of emotions. It says/sings "i'm desperately searching to make a connection with someone... but not just anyone. THE one." Not even, necessarily, a girl, but looking for his best friend, whoever that may be. It also has a bit of an air of "oh shit, i think i just screwed up that relationship, how do i get it back?"
At first I thought those emotions were specific to the vocalist, and then I came across a few covers of the song, and I am reminded of the power of words. I'm not usually big into poetry, but this song speaks to me. The lyrics can stand alone, and they speak of desperation, and of hope.
Its like I'm in a crowd full of people, and I have to get through these hoards of people to get to "someone like you." And at the same time, I'm doing all i can so that you will notice "someone like me." If we could get a bird's eye view of the situation, you would see two people highlighted in a crowd, and you know they're meant to meet up with each other, but who knows if they will! They mingle and make their way through the crowd, but there is no guarantee they will even cross paths.
I don't even know who you are yet. Have we met? Have we mingled in the past? Do you know you're looking for me? How will i know I've met you?
Desperation.
Hope.
Maybe its not the best for me to linger on these types of thoughts, but as soon as I start to process these thoughts and finally put names and labels to the emotions it evokes, I can't help but think about it all the time.
In the same playlist on my ipod, is Jesse's Girl. Which then gets me wondering if I'm doomed to watch my person make a life with someone else. I've been through several experiences where my roommate gets the guy I want, and all I get is to be happy for them.
Then, after I'm all done thinking about being pathetically searching for my someone who will inevitably find someone else first, the song changes, and Lady Gaga starts pumping.
Who ever thought Lady Gaga would send me into another loop of the "i'm crazy" rollercoaster?!
One of her latest hits, "Paparazzi," got me thinking about how stalkerish i can become. I recently came across one of my old journals. Just a notebook filled with notebook paper that is covered with the nonsense of a 14 year old girl. I'm sure if i read it closely, i'd find something worth reading... but it would take a lot of searching. Most of it deserves to be burned, and never ever ever read.
How many boys was i in love with? most of the ones that actually spoke to me.
How many times did i scribble my and their names over and over and over again? lots.
How often was i convinced of our "soulmate-ness"? every time.
Is it my fault that I followed each of these boys around convinced that if i followed them around enough, they would then fall for me? Kinda. I mean, that's what happens in the movies and tv shows... and since i was socially awkward, I obviously thought that would happen for me too! I was (still can be) a bit (a lot) naive and oblivious to how real life relationships develop. Especially when lyrics like these are coursing through my head.
So, who knew that my workout playlist would make me think so much?! I need to start listening to songs that don't talk about love, or relationships, or people.
Eye of the Tiger it is.
Lemon out
Music. Sometimes I forget how much whats being pumped into my ears all day long can actually affect my mood. Sometimes I want to frolic. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes it makes me want to dance! More often than not, and especially with pop music, it makes me feel lonely and pathetic.
Specifically Kings of Leon's Use Somebody has me thinking of CLBF (he really really likes this band), but also, just in general, I hope that someone is looking for someone like me(Woooaoaaoooaoaoao whoaooaoaaoo).
I just recently stumbled upon this song, and i keep coming back to it. The lyrics have an interesting mix of emotions. It says/sings "i'm desperately searching to make a connection with someone... but not just anyone. THE one." Not even, necessarily, a girl, but looking for his best friend, whoever that may be. It also has a bit of an air of "oh shit, i think i just screwed up that relationship, how do i get it back?"
At first I thought those emotions were specific to the vocalist, and then I came across a few covers of the song, and I am reminded of the power of words. I'm not usually big into poetry, but this song speaks to me. The lyrics can stand alone, and they speak of desperation, and of hope.
Its like I'm in a crowd full of people, and I have to get through these hoards of people to get to "someone like you." And at the same time, I'm doing all i can so that you will notice "someone like me." If we could get a bird's eye view of the situation, you would see two people highlighted in a crowd, and you know they're meant to meet up with each other, but who knows if they will! They mingle and make their way through the crowd, but there is no guarantee they will even cross paths.
I don't even know who you are yet. Have we met? Have we mingled in the past? Do you know you're looking for me? How will i know I've met you?
Desperation.
Hope.
Maybe its not the best for me to linger on these types of thoughts, but as soon as I start to process these thoughts and finally put names and labels to the emotions it evokes, I can't help but think about it all the time.
In the same playlist on my ipod, is Jesse's Girl. Which then gets me wondering if I'm doomed to watch my person make a life with someone else. I've been through several experiences where my roommate gets the guy I want, and all I get is to be happy for them.
Then, after I'm all done thinking about being pathetically searching for my someone who will inevitably find someone else first, the song changes, and Lady Gaga starts pumping.
Who ever thought Lady Gaga would send me into another loop of the "i'm crazy" rollercoaster?!
One of her latest hits, "Paparazzi," got me thinking about how stalkerish i can become. I recently came across one of my old journals. Just a notebook filled with notebook paper that is covered with the nonsense of a 14 year old girl. I'm sure if i read it closely, i'd find something worth reading... but it would take a lot of searching. Most of it deserves to be burned, and never ever ever read.
How many boys was i in love with? most of the ones that actually spoke to me.
How many times did i scribble my and their names over and over and over again? lots.
How often was i convinced of our "soulmate-ness"? every time.
Is it my fault that I followed each of these boys around convinced that if i followed them around enough, they would then fall for me? Kinda. I mean, that's what happens in the movies and tv shows... and since i was socially awkward, I obviously thought that would happen for me too! I was (still can be) a bit (a lot) naive and oblivious to how real life relationships develop. Especially when lyrics like these are coursing through my head.
So, who knew that my workout playlist would make me think so much?! I need to start listening to songs that don't talk about love, or relationships, or people.
Eye of the Tiger it is.
Lemon out
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Mail to Male
So, I got the saddest little text from Ladder 20 the other day. it stated simply
"Please come home. :-("
It broke my poor heart. I've never considered driving three hundred miles just to give someone a hug until i read that message. I even made calls to find someone to carpool with me this past weekend, and unfortunately no one was available. It would have been great to see him, but it makes me think... what gestures can I make that don't make me look/feel like i'm throwing myself at a boy?
Can I travel several hundred miles for a surprise visit? As a girl, I've been tricked by this one before... what does a surprise visit mean? that you want more? or that you've just come for a visit? It can be awfully confusing, and not to mention he does work two jobs... would he have been able to take time off work? Surprises can be a bit of an inconvenience.
Can I send a care package? Again, what does this say? I would love to express how much i actually care, and want to cheer him up. Cookies? Brownies? a nice note? wrong time of the year/situation cards(i love sending the wrong card for any occasion)? I did procure his home address today with the excuse that i'm starting my christmas card address list, so perhaps a nice christmas card would be appropriate.
We've been texting, but it feels like i keep saying the same thing over and over. Plus it can be hard to get the right tone across in a text. I don't want to sound naggy when I want to sound cheerful! We don't really have a history of talking on the phone... so would that be weird?
Sometimes I feel a little burdened by other people's problems. Like its my responsibility to make their life better for them. I hate seeing my friends suffer, and i hate seeing them get burned out on life. Is it up to me to help Ladder 20 trudge through the every day? No, but I like knowing I can put a smile on his face or make him laugh. And I look forward to the upcoming day* when i can give him a hug!**
My optimism wins in the end, as it always does... for other people at least. But I suppose being convinced of everyone else's success and at the same time my impending failures is something to be saved for the shrink's couch. Or at least another day's freak out.
Lemon Out!
*I hope to make a visit east before the end of the year. The current budget isn't so sure this can happen though.
**Ladder told me that he put in two separate work outs today. I'm all for that! I love watching as scrawny kids turn into... MEN! mmmm firefighter muscles!
"Please come home. :-("
It broke my poor heart. I've never considered driving three hundred miles just to give someone a hug until i read that message. I even made calls to find someone to carpool with me this past weekend, and unfortunately no one was available. It would have been great to see him, but it makes me think... what gestures can I make that don't make me look/feel like i'm throwing myself at a boy?
Can I travel several hundred miles for a surprise visit? As a girl, I've been tricked by this one before... what does a surprise visit mean? that you want more? or that you've just come for a visit? It can be awfully confusing, and not to mention he does work two jobs... would he have been able to take time off work? Surprises can be a bit of an inconvenience.
Can I send a care package? Again, what does this say? I would love to express how much i actually care, and want to cheer him up. Cookies? Brownies? a nice note? wrong time of the year/situation cards(i love sending the wrong card for any occasion)? I did procure his home address today with the excuse that i'm starting my christmas card address list, so perhaps a nice christmas card would be appropriate.
We've been texting, but it feels like i keep saying the same thing over and over. Plus it can be hard to get the right tone across in a text. I don't want to sound naggy when I want to sound cheerful! We don't really have a history of talking on the phone... so would that be weird?
Sometimes I feel a little burdened by other people's problems. Like its my responsibility to make their life better for them. I hate seeing my friends suffer, and i hate seeing them get burned out on life. Is it up to me to help Ladder 20 trudge through the every day? No, but I like knowing I can put a smile on his face or make him laugh. And I look forward to the upcoming day* when i can give him a hug!**
My optimism wins in the end, as it always does... for other people at least. But I suppose being convinced of everyone else's success and at the same time my impending failures is something to be saved for the shrink's couch. Or at least another day's freak out.
Lemon Out!
*I hope to make a visit east before the end of the year. The current budget isn't so sure this can happen though.
**Ladder told me that he put in two separate work outs today. I'm all for that! I love watching as scrawny kids turn into... MEN! mmmm firefighter muscles!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Cut Hours
Well, remember that time when I didn't have to worry about all my hours? Ya... those days are gone. So, I suppose with all the new free time I've been given, I can start actually applying to some of the places I've been researching.
I miss CLBF and Ladder 20. I haven't heard from CLBF since we officially quit, but its taken everything i have not to text him allllll the time. or at all. Ladder is swamped with work and school and being an all around superhero. There still is a desire to intoxicate him (with love, and not with substances that he's not legally old enough to partake of yet) and throw myself at him. But we'll keep that as plan B for now.
And my paycheck, which is supposed to deposit at midnight, hasn't come through yet.
And I still can't get photoshop to work at all on my computer. boo.
But Choir was great this evening... even with all the chatty cathys. Seriously, you can't shut up for 2 minutes?
ok, back to complaining i guess.
or sleep. lets try this sleep thing...
Lemon out.
I miss CLBF and Ladder 20. I haven't heard from CLBF since we officially quit, but its taken everything i have not to text him allllll the time. or at all. Ladder is swamped with work and school and being an all around superhero. There still is a desire to intoxicate him (with love, and not with substances that he's not legally old enough to partake of yet) and throw myself at him. But we'll keep that as plan B for now.
And my paycheck, which is supposed to deposit at midnight, hasn't come through yet.
And I still can't get photoshop to work at all on my computer. boo.
But Choir was great this evening... even with all the chatty cathys. Seriously, you can't shut up for 2 minutes?
ok, back to complaining i guess.
or sleep. lets try this sleep thing...
Lemon out.
Bad Dates
I got an offer from a co-worker to set me up with a really nice guy she knows. Sure. I'm up for anything at this point! But it kinda got me thinking about a few of the very weird dates I've been on in the last year.
I hate to admit that I took a dip in the vast ocean of internet dating, but I did. I got a few cups of tea and a dinner out of the whole experience, but overall it was a disaster.
Match #1 met me for coffee, and while we seemed to have a good time, he never called me back. Oh well.
Match #2 met me for coffee. He introduced himself while i was standing in line for my drink, and literally threw his credit card at the cashier when it was my turn to pay. We sat down, chatted, and after a few failed joke attempts he admitted to having google searched my name and email address. CREEPY! (at the time, nothing showed up when i googled my favorite screenname/email address. phew!)
After not accepting a second date offer, he tried chewing me out for having unrealistic expectations for relationships. Sorry if "being attracted to you, finding you interesting, and overall chemistry" falls under "unrealistic" but I'm gonna stick with those.
Match #3 wanted to take me out for dinner for reals, then perhaps minigolf. We met at the Dirty Bird and asked for a table for two. The hostess showed us to a half booth-half table combo, and he wanted nothing to do with it!
"Why can't we have that booth?" He asks. And as the Hostess stops to think (ya know... is that section still available?) He speaks up again!
"Either we get that booth, or you lose our business." There is no messing around. Its either a booth or nothing with this guy.
Later in the conversation I mention how rude he had been to the hostess, and he came back with a line about wanting the best for his date, and the restaurant should always bend to the customer's will. I called BS, and that was the point where we both knew there wouldn't be a second date. In fact, we never made it to minigolf. And I was ok with that.
Now, I'll admit that I wasn't really on my most polite behavior that night, but if you're going to make a fuss about what kind of table you want, then take initiative and talk to the hostess before seating... or take your date somewhere nicer that a chain restaurant that nukes all of its food.
I hate to admit that I took a dip in the vast ocean of internet dating, but I did. I got a few cups of tea and a dinner out of the whole experience, but overall it was a disaster.
Match #1 met me for coffee, and while we seemed to have a good time, he never called me back. Oh well.
Match #2 met me for coffee. He introduced himself while i was standing in line for my drink, and literally threw his credit card at the cashier when it was my turn to pay. We sat down, chatted, and after a few failed joke attempts he admitted to having google searched my name and email address. CREEPY! (at the time, nothing showed up when i googled my favorite screenname/email address. phew!)
After not accepting a second date offer, he tried chewing me out for having unrealistic expectations for relationships. Sorry if "being attracted to you, finding you interesting, and overall chemistry" falls under "unrealistic" but I'm gonna stick with those.
Match #3 wanted to take me out for dinner for reals, then perhaps minigolf. We met at the Dirty Bird and asked for a table for two. The hostess showed us to a half booth-half table combo, and he wanted nothing to do with it!
"Why can't we have that booth?" He asks. And as the Hostess stops to think (ya know... is that section still available?) He speaks up again!
"Either we get that booth, or you lose our business." There is no messing around. Its either a booth or nothing with this guy.
Later in the conversation I mention how rude he had been to the hostess, and he came back with a line about wanting the best for his date, and the restaurant should always bend to the customer's will. I called BS, and that was the point where we both knew there wouldn't be a second date. In fact, we never made it to minigolf. And I was ok with that.
Now, I'll admit that I wasn't really on my most polite behavior that night, but if you're going to make a fuss about what kind of table you want, then take initiative and talk to the hostess before seating... or take your date somewhere nicer that a chain restaurant that nukes all of its food.
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