Family Feud

Dammit, does my mom know how to make me feel like I'm a failure.

Any further explanation of the situation just frustrates me, but I don't like being the receiver of passive aggression, then later cornered.

and for once it'd be nice to hear "good job" in stead of "oh..."

And PLEASE stop saying things like "i didn't raise you to behave like that"


I need out of this house.

NEXT!

Well, I'm ready to be done feeling like this:


And instead I'd like to feel like this:


There's a new guy just hired this morning at my pool. AND he might just be age appropriate. We'll call him CPR, and hope that we get a little mouth to mouth action!

What Did I DO!?!?!?

OMG.
Seriously, did i really call it quits with him? Am i running away from my real feelings? Or was it the right thing to do, and I'm just kinda desperate for any attention from a guy?

You know how long its been since i liked the same guy that liked me? TOO LONG. Am i too picky? Am i unapproachable? will i just fall for the next guy, and settle? what if its the next guy after that who i'm supposed to be with? how do i get to him?

Why did i let clbf go?

Why do i want to be in a relationship with this guy only when we're not together? and then the moment things are good i want to jump ship? I am a rollercoaster... and possibly crazy. Should i just stick to cats?

ugh.
new hannah montana episode.
good thing very few people read this blog.

Regrets?

Warning: on a freak out scale of 1-5, this is a 10

So, well, things were actually kinda going well with CLBF. We were texting, and well into the night several nights in a row. He was initiating the conversations, and started calling me "baby" again. And then I realized... Its not helping.

It doesn't make me miss him less, it's not helping me get over him, or move on... in fact, its making it worse. And so, I said so, and at first he wished me luck, and said to take care of myself, and goodbye... then asks "could you enlighten me as to why you keep running away?" UGH! Shoot me right in the heart. Worst part? He used my name. Not just "baby," not my nickname, but my full real name. He meant business.

I replied with "an overwhelming fear of getting hurt" and he comes back with a cliche about living life to the fullest without fear. I know he meant it, and I'm sure he's sick of me hiding from my feelings... but for crying out loud! We live 300 miles apart. I told him what i want vs what i need are different right now, and that I'm home now. He wished me "all the best."

He was the one who called it quits the first time. And I had told him from the beginning that I would be moving at the end of the summer. And then he had to go and evoke all sorts of warm fuzzy emotions. And then, just when I thought I was in control of myself, he goes and makes me realize that dammit, I don't want to let him go.

It was the right thing to do. I need to move on, I need to let him move on. Ya, we're both lonely, ya we miss each other, but holding on to something that isn't going to work is just a recipe to hurt each other more. I hope I haven't hurt him. I want him to be happy, but he needs a different girl, and ultimately I need a different boy.

It hurts this time. Re-breaking up with my ex-not-boyfriend hurts like hell. Its really over, and for the sake of being fair to both of us, I need to not revisit this. Oh, I'll probably complain and whine and sulk about it for quite some time, don't you worry, but no revival tour on this heartache.

I'm going to go find donuts.
Lemon Out.

Leopards, and Jaguars... and the irresistable call of the Cougars! OH MY

I'm teaching swim lessons again. Its actually more fun than I should get paid for. And the little tykes LOVE ME!!! In the last two days, I've had almost every mom or dad tell me that their 3 year olds all talk about "miss [teacher]" at home all day! They're all excited to see me at the pool... although it doesn't seem to stop them from freaking out about putting their faces in the water.

I can deal with timidity and nervousness in the pool. The water is a little bit cold, and a bit deep for someone that size, as most of their toes don't even touch the bottom. Oh to have a wading pool, or a removable table to stick in the water. BUT, the thing that drives me CRAZY is clinginess. Several of these youngsters have a grip like a vice, and it always seems to be sensitive places they tend to pinch. Like upper arm flab, around the neck, or (as it seems) a favorite: my boobs.

They jump off the wall, or begin a simple front glide, and... HONK! They got me! No wonder the dads like to watch from the sides, as each of their children grab the front of my body, or the neck of my swimsuit and yank. We've had some close calls, and its only the third lesson of the session.

Another, very odd occurrence happened in the last two days as well. Now, last week, one mother of a very nervous child asked what she could do to help. I suggested lots of songs and games in the bathtub, talking about how much fun it is to swim, come to Open Swim time as a family, etc etc etc. She asked if maybe they could bring a favorite bathtub toy, to see if that helped. I said SURE! What a great idea!

Monday morning rolls around (very quickly and early), and this vibrant young girl shows up, in her suit, and seems to be very confident today. She holds up a small toy, says very matter of factly "Jaguars are very good swimmers" and shows me her Jaguar. We used this toy as bait to get her to push off the wall and reach for me. It worked, a bit. But several times throughout the lesson, she apparently needed Jaguar storage, so she shoved it down the front of my suit. My protests of "thats not where Jaguars go!" didn't seem to bother her at all.

Then Tuesday morning a different girl shows up for her swim lesson showing off her Leopard figurine! Its about the same size as the Jaguar, but obviously from a different artist/manufacturer/zoo animal collection. This girl has been a bit of a challenge overall. Her mom speaks to her in Russian, and she doesn't seem to speak much at all. Now, she makes a lot of noise, but rarely are they recognizable words. I'm pretty sure they're not russian, and that for the most part she's just screaching. She is also very nervous in the water, and quite grabby. I've gotten honked a few times by this girl, and she's always got her hands somewhere... a lot around the neck. I try to use the Leopard in the same fashion as the Jaguar, and try to bait her to make attempts at the class goals... but no. She screams, reaches, grabs (at everything), then finally, once she's got her hands on the Leopard... boom. down my swim suit.

Two different girls, different ages, different days and times at the pool (I doubt they've ever met), both shoving cat figurines in between the ladies.

The ladies are very nice... CLBF still seems interested in them*... but they are NOT for storage of toy zoo animals!

That is all. Lemon out.

Yup, Still texting clbf. yup, he said he like my boobs. really, i'm not complaining.

texts

The Farmer. he's driving me CRAZZZY!

I don't usually take the time to transcribe texts into blogs, but this is worth it.

So, Sunday afternoon, after I've spend ALL day helping my dad re-tar the driveway, and scrape a lot of moss off the roof, I find a text or two on my phone!
"oh boy" I say, as I poke buttons to read them.

"oh crap" I say after I read them

Farmer: 5:37 pm Ever been to the __ Art Museum?
Farmer: 6:11 pm Nevermind I guess.

Me: 6:12 Where is it?

Farmer: 6:16 pm I was wondering if you saw that text. Ha ha... its in [big city] near [hospital].

Me: 6:17 pm I JUST finished re-tarring the driveway. No, i don't think i've ever been there.

Farmer: 6:21 pm I apologize for being indignant. I would really like to visit it sometime and wondered if you'd be free next weekend and would be interested.
Farmer: 6:26 pm I'm really sorry if I'm being a thorn in your side, but honestly "busy" and "not interested" look pretty similar. Please forgive my impatience.

Me: 7:11 Can you let me reply before you assume i'm blowing you off? And maybe its just best for me to say now i'm not interested.

Farmer: 7:13 pm Well it was an assumption built on a lot of evidence. I do appreciate the condor.

So, Gosh, that was confusing. Then this evening, on my way home from work, I noticed my phone was calling the Farmer... his name being on the top of my contacts list. I hung up,

Farmer 7:55pm You Rang?

Me: 7:55pm Haha you got butt dialed. Sorry!

Farmer 7:56pm I guess it was out of character.

Me: 8:01pm I Don't really know how to respond to that...

Farmer 8:05 I apologize once again for catching you off guard by being blunt.


I just don't even know what to do with him. I don't like dealing with 14 y/0 old girl texts...

First things first, the date with the Farmer was... platonic. He's a nice, attractive, funny guy. And yet, no chemistry. He didn't try to order me food, although made suggestions on what was supposed to be good. We talked about our mutual friend, and although the conversation would move away from her, it always seemed to circle back to her. Not in a "i wish i were on a date with her instead" type of way, but in a "i'm not sure what to talk with you about, so we'll go back to abusing our mutual friend" way.

It was fun to hang out and talk, and he did buy dinner, but didn't try for a goodnight kiss. Heck! He didn't even try for a hug or a handshake either. Just a "where are you parked? there? ok, bye" and then he disappeared. They always say you can tell by the kiss... but I guess I'll never know.

Still thinking about guys, at a housewarming party last night, i met two more guys that friends want to set me up with, and then met a few more single gentlemen as well. Of the crowd, two are worth mentioning.

1st there's the guy who makes more in a year than I owe in student loans. SERIOUSLY!!! He seems to be pretty shy, and i wasn't really able to get him in a 0ne on one conversation all night, but in various group conversations he seemed funny and intelligent. I like both of those things. I expressed to a friend that knows him, that I'd be all for a real date, or smaller social function with this fellow. Although apparently he is pretty sensitive about his income, I can't seem to think of a better name for him than Rich Uncle Pennybags.

There was another guy that was very charismatic and quite the life of the party. We'll call him The Charmer. We discussed the appropriate time of year for various pies, and came up with a pie calendar. He was far more outgoing than Pennybags, but outgoing doesn't always mean more personality. They actually seem to know each other very well... and I'm not usually one for friend group incest, so we'll see if i can get dates out of both of them, or just one. Based on the friend recommendation, I've got a lot in common with Pennybags, and probably not so much with the charmer... other than our good looks and charismatic personalities.

Of course, with all these new opportunities, you would think that I would have closed the doors to all the ambiguity of the boys I left behind... but no. CLBF and I texted til 3am the other night, and I've heard from him every day since. I was definitely flirtier than I should have been, and this isn't really something I should continue, as I'm trying to get over him. Well, nothing like an unresolved almost romance to confuse a girl.

And speaking of being a girl... Dad seems to forget this point every once in a while. I'm pretty sure I would have turned out a whole lot more feminine if I had grown up with a brother. Instead, I've been treated like the son my dad never had, and I'll be removing moss from the house roof this afternoon. Oh... I'll probably find the football game on the radio to listen to so as to complete the effect.

Lemon Out.

Job call back

I got a very nice voicemail from a lady yesterday about a job I applied for... in my old city. Which means it took them 8 months at least to get back to me, as I stopped applying for jobs in that area back in February. GEEZE!!!

No word back from any of the other jobs I've applied for here.

Date with the Farmer is tomorrow. We're going to get Thai Food. I hope it will be a good time, but I have this strange feeling that he's going to try to order my food for me. I pray I'm wrong.

I've finally set up my new printer, and have been getting things ready to decorate my locker at work.

Also I have tickets to see some cool bands at a local fair, and just realized its the same night as my guilty pleasure pop star concert. Is it pathetic I'm disappointed as to which show I'm going to?

Welp... I moved

I moved. 300 miles away from my autonomous life, and back into my parents' basement. I've got my old room back, Dad is fixing up my old car, and I'm back to the same line of work that I did in high school. Its kinda just like being 18 again. EW.

If looked at in a different light: I've got a 36 hr/week job, i'm not paying rent, and I've got plenty of experience to do what doing. Oh, plus i got asked out. More on that later.

The thing is... I miss my old city. I miss Ladder 20. A LOT. I miss my friends, and one of my old jobs. Is it a little pathetic that instead of being really excited about an age appropriate guy, who lives in the area, I'm yearning for a man child who lives too far away? Oh the heart.

So, new guy. We're going to call him the Farmer. He's a friend of one of my longest term best friends. We officially met in may, when the whole group of us went camping. We got stuck as tent buddies when said long term best friend "forgot" the poles to the tent I was supposed to be sleeping in. We had a good time camping... invented a better breakfast version of eggos sm'ores, talked nerd books, made fun of long term best friend. He's very funny, not terrible to look at, and seems to be a nice guy.

So, I got this voicemail yesterday afternoon, from the Farmer, and it says "hey, you tell best friend to give you some time off so i can take you to dinner: (best friend who had taken pity on me and hired me short term). The whole message had an air of "ok, you can do it, just do it... ahhhh! i'm doing it... must sound brave and confident." It was kinda nice, but at the same time, he didn't really ask me if i wanted to go to dinner. I'll give farmer a date or two.
I have this feeling that he should be everything i want... and yet... sigh.