Moving Forward

So, I had updated on Tuesday of my Valentine's day successes, but I haven't given an overall update on life since the beginning of the year. It's about time, eh?

Work is driving me crazy. Nights are messing with my mental stability, and I've had two different clients make suicide attempts on my shifts in the past month. I've put in several new applications to various places, but no one calls me back. ever. I'm currently sitting on a couch 20 feet from a client who I am observing for safety for the night.

Things with PBR are going rather well. He got a puppy and has let me dog sit a few times. He continues to have a soccer dominated schedule, but as long as i continue with nights, i can't complain too much about that - we have similar schedules.

It's his birthday today. We are meeting his parents tomorrow evening for drinks. This is my first encounter with his parents. I got my tax refund this week, so i bought myself a new "meet the parents" outfit. And shoes. Super hot shoes.

I'm trying very hard not to be overly nervous about meeting his parents (my sister actually told me "don't freak out" this evening), but it still carries quite a bit of weight. WAY back in November when we had our big talk, he mentioned that he usually doesn't even tell his parents about the girls he dates, and they've learned not to ask.

A friend suggested we have a pep talk in the car before meeting up with the 'rents, and ask what is and is not appropriate for conversation. This will be helpful, since of the usual things you're not allowed to discuss in public (religion, politics, etc) I have a degree in. But since I met the kid (and his younger brother the year before) at church camp, religion might actually be appropriate.

I'm still working on getting him to meet my parents, but I haven't asked in a while.

I began seeing a counselor about three weeks ago. He has helped me see quite a bit of how my self worth affects my relationships. At first I was very nervous about seeing a man, but I think It will be very helpful in dispelling my awful view of men. We used the past week to discuss sexuality, and it was rather unawkward, believe it or not.

We are also looking at a bipolar diagnosis. I've called the clinic where I got my antidepressant rx, and will hopefully change to a medication more appropriate.

Other than the super depressing job with awful hours, I'm doing these days.

Only 3 more hours till i wake the kids, and 4 more after that till i get to go home.

Lemon waiting.

Vday

Lets take a moment to compare how this year is different from last year:

I did not receive flowers from an admirer that i have been trying to rid of for years... who then lied about it.

I am not stuck in a "are we or aren't we" ambiguous relationship.

I am employed and not living with my parents.

I did not throw a pity party for myself.

I'm not pining over people that are not worth my time or effort.

INSTEAD:

I actually said "Happy Valentine's Day" to people. For the last several years I have acknowledged people's valentine's greetings, and have responded with "you too" if at all. In the past I have refused to say the words.

I made it through work without saying it, got home, and PBR had texted. He said it to me, I decided to actually say it back. Texting it wasn't so bad.

I climbed into bed, and woke a few short hours later to use the bathroom. My dreams are always so stressful when i need to pee. So I was up 5 minutes later when PBR texted again checking if i was awake. He said he would be there within seconds and he had a present.

Upon opening the door he stated "take a guess!" So i pointed to his left arm and said "that hand!" He rolled his eyes and laughed at me... he only had one hand behind his back. I could see the reflection of something silver in the screen door window. He could tell I was cheating at this point, so he just showed me:
"if you were guessing a Hannah Montana Balloon, you were right!"

I got a quick kiss and he headed back to work. a few minutes later my phone rang as he finally processed the situation: "Why are you awake?"

I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with his efforts today. I sure didn't expect a grown man to buy a balloon featuring a tween idol. Probably not his most masculine moment, but it was appreciated it. I've had a smile on my face all day.

Upon arriving at work staff and clients asked if i had a good day. I was vague, but said yes. I've stood my ground about keeping my private life private, and when clients ask, I just show my empty ring finger and state that all they get to know is that i'm unmarried. My co-workers know a bit more, so when the staff nurse came out of her medical area, she saw me and stated very loudly "Oh Hi! You have a boyfriend, I bet you had a very special day!"

The clients all started giggling and smiling at me. They figured out my secret.
oh well.

All in all, the best valentine's day i've ever had.

Lemon Out

New Year, New Me?

Hello, 2011.
It's nice to see you.

I hope you're less complicated than your predecessor, although I don't wish for stagnation either. Is there a way to hope for challenges that will stretch me, but at the same time don't leave me feeling overstretched all the time? That is what I want.

I'm not sure if these are necessarily resolutions, because they're things I've been working on for the last few years, but I have a list of the types of things I want to make some progress on.

I suppose that if I had to make a resolution, it would be to break down larger goals into smaller ones, so that they don't seem so impossible.

major categories include:

Running.
everyday type goal: run 3x or more times a week. and once a week do a long run.
short term goal: start cutting time off my mile pace. Beat last year's Bloomsday time.
Long term goals: Find another 1/2 marathon to do this year.
Do the whole Seattle Marathon next thanksgiving.

Fitness/health in general:
everyday type goal: use Eliptical machine if too cold out to run. eat my fruits and veggies, take vitamins, wash face daily, shave my legs often
Short term: find a pool, start swimming at least 1x week; Find a bicycle, learn to ride comptetatively; sleep regularly.
Long term: Register and compete in a Triathlon.

Education:
Short term: decide if my GRE scores are high enough to get into grad school, if not, retake test.
Long term: Find a program that I want to do, apply for Grad School.

Career
Daily: rework Resume and Cover Letter; Check job websites at least 3x a week.
Short Term: Decide on Career path, Apply to jobs within that/those fleids.
Long Term: Get out of Eating Disorders, and no more night shifts.

Spiritual
Everyday: Journal and read bible or devotional material 5x a week. Make time in my schedule for this.
Short term: commit to a church, attend regularly.
Long term: find or lead a small group, be a leader in my spiritual community.

Mental Health
Everyday: take my meds
Short term: find a counselor. go to counseling.
Long term: unpack some of my baggage.

Reltionships:
Everyday: communicate with people i care about: calls, texts, emails, spends some time with them.
Short term: be ok with not being best friends with everyone, and allow for relationships that aren't equal in effort to be put on back burners.
Long term: not get ahead of myself with PBR, but allow myself to feel what i feel for him. Learn to communicate my needs and expectations.
Super Long term: get married, have babies.

Organization
Daily: put dishes in sink or directly into dishwasher, put dirty clothes in hamper, put clean clothes that i decide not to wear back in closet/dresser. Don't eat in bed.
Short term: keep room to a respectable level of clean.
Don't leave stuff in livingroom, keep bathroom clean.
Long term: don't be a slob.