The last year has been hard for me. I watched two of my best friends get married, one get divorced, and one fall in love and get engaged. And honestly, I had a harder time being supportive of the alter bound relationships than I did with the one that failed.
Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.
I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.
I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.
On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.
I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.
All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.
I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.
I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.
So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.
Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.
Lemon Bubbly.
Friday, November 26, 2010
The difference a few years can make.
I met PBR 3 years ago at Camp. There was instant attraction.
There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.
Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.
That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.
Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.
I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.
After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.
I still have the email.
It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.
Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.
There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.
I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.
It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.
PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.
It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?
I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.
Lemon Hoping.
There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.
Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.
That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.
Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.
I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.
After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.
I still have the email.
It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.
Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.
There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.
I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.
It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.
PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.
It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?
I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.
Lemon Hoping.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Cornered
Yesterday evening PBR picked me up to head to game night. We got about 2 miles down the freeway (of our 30 mile trip) and he says "so, I need to have this conversation, and since we're sober, and you're stuck in my car for the next half hour..."
We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.
We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.
We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.
We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).
He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.
As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.
Lemon Up
We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.
We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.
We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.
We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).
He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.
As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.
Lemon Up
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