update?

Things have been a little rocky for this lemon. Working the night shift is starting to wear on me, so i've started looking for something new. Also, my grandma passed away this week.

Also frustrating is Dr Bravo flaked on me. again. we had plans to go see a movie friday night. he said he's be home by 8, i should pick a movie and a time, and he'd call when he made it into town. He didn't text until 11. I had been driving, so at the next stop light i told him i'd call when i got home, he said ok. So i call, and he doesn't answer. He called back 2 minutes later

He had missed his bus, and his phone was dead, then his phone was on vibrate, and excuse and excuse and excuse. I tried very hard to stay neutral when we talked, and straight told him how disrespected I feel when he flakes on plans. He apologized, and had ideas of how to prevent being late like that again. I told him i appreciated the apology, that i didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but its still very frustrating, and disrespectful, and maybe it was just bad timing that it happened tonight, but I'm struggling in life, and he knows this, and i needed him to come through, and he hadn't. He apologized again, stammered for a minute, and i said i'd talk to him later.

I guess we'll see when he decides to put some effort into our friendship. I'm done with the idea of dating him. This decision has been in the works for the last 2 months or so, with this being the nail in the coffin.

On the other hand, PBR has been in the picture quite a bit lately. He took me out sailing two weeks ago, he came by last week when i didn't want to be home alone, and we hung out again last night.

PBR has been a bit of sunshine in this rather gloomy week.

Lemon, trying to make lemonade, out.

Insecurities

There have been periods of my life where I have been through tough times, and at the end I have been able to look back and learn from my mistakes and successes. The past six months (possibly whole year) have been a unique span of my life where I'm not sure there have been any super defining moments, but I feel I have a better grasp on why I behave the way I do.

I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.

Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.

My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.

And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."

This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.