Insecurities

There have been periods of my life where I have been through tough times, and at the end I have been able to look back and learn from my mistakes and successes. The past six months (possibly whole year) have been a unique span of my life where I'm not sure there have been any super defining moments, but I feel I have a better grasp on why I behave the way I do.

I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.

Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.

My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.

And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."

This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.