rain rain everywhere

My dreams, facbook feed, direct contact... i can't seem to get any boys that i've had feelings for in the last 10 years out of my head. Or line of sight.

I had a dream about an ex the other night (THE ex). things were heating up (at least my subconsious gets some action), and our conversation was about not worrying what other people think, our love was real. That's super odd, I don't love him at all. According to what i've been following on facebook, he's in the process of moving to california. Peace out dude, I really don't need you in my head anymore. I've been meaning to unfriend him for a long time. Guess I should finally do it.

I was going through my phone earlier today and CPR's name jumped out at me. I deleted it. I gave up hope of him not being a super duche months ago, I guess I just never took the time to actually get rid of his number.

CLBF shows up on my facebook feed as well quite often. And more often than not his picture stares at me from the little box of "mutual friends." I miss him often. If i were to actually see him face to face, I'd probably cry. Even though that relationship was definitely not easy, It helped me see some of the ways that I'm broken. I don't trust men, I don't believe men have emotions/feelings, and I run from mine. I think of him fondly. Even as challenging as those months were with him, I at least knew he cared about me.

Then there's the guy who only ever calls/attempts to hang out when he's single. We both haven't really treated each other with a ton of respect. He kisses me then disappears, I blow off invitations to hang out. He's single again and chatted me up the other night, wants to drink cheep beer. He might be named PBR, being his favorite beer, but I think i started this blog way after most of our antics.
I'd like to hang out with PBR. I should feel used that its likely he's just looking for a hookup, but what if thats something that interests me right now? I really think that'd be a bad decision if i'm actually trying to move things forward with the DR, but, should i let a non-relationship stop me from maybe interacting with anyone else?

And speaking of my non-relationship... well I guess i just summed up how things are with Dr Bravo. Nothing has changed in the slightest. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I got to when I was unemployed and living with my parents, but I guess you win some you lose some.
The Dr had been interested in going to see Conan with me last weekend, but decided not to go, and failed to give me a reason why... Until after the show. Apparently his grandfather died. Its a great reason for anything really, but it would have been nice if he had just told me what was going on.
he made mention of being interested in running the 12k race I do every year and have been training for this spring. I gave him the information, said it'd be super fun if he joined in for the weekend, and he didn't give me an answer.

Then there's the super-manipulative route I could take: use PBR to make the DR jealous. How would he react if he heard i was going on a date? The fork in the road, i fear he would take, is that instead of spuring him into action, he'd just feel rejected and back off. Besides, I don't want to trick boys into having realtionships with me, nor do i want to lead others on that i'm not actually interested in. Damn me and my conscience.

My work husband was a super flake over the past weekend as well. I don't blame him in the slightest as to work preventing him from going to Conan, We both thought he'd be done in time, and we were both very wrong. But he failed to answer phone calls or texts. and after two unanswered calls, unless its an emergancy, thats the time i stop calling. I can take a hint.

I'm super excited for my health insurance to kick in here soon. I need a therapist. I'm feeling super crazy, and not in the fun ridiculous type of way, but in a "i'm on the verge of crashing hard" type of way.

Lemon out.


POST SCRIPT EDIT
CLBF just posted a status on Facebook stating he got a new phone and needs everyone's numbers. I not only shouldn't give him mine, I should delete him out of my phone. I doubt i'll actually text him, but i don't know if i can let go of his number yet.