Moving Forward

So, I had updated on Tuesday of my Valentine's day successes, but I haven't given an overall update on life since the beginning of the year. It's about time, eh?

Work is driving me crazy. Nights are messing with my mental stability, and I've had two different clients make suicide attempts on my shifts in the past month. I've put in several new applications to various places, but no one calls me back. ever. I'm currently sitting on a couch 20 feet from a client who I am observing for safety for the night.

Things with PBR are going rather well. He got a puppy and has let me dog sit a few times. He continues to have a soccer dominated schedule, but as long as i continue with nights, i can't complain too much about that - we have similar schedules.

It's his birthday today. We are meeting his parents tomorrow evening for drinks. This is my first encounter with his parents. I got my tax refund this week, so i bought myself a new "meet the parents" outfit. And shoes. Super hot shoes.

I'm trying very hard not to be overly nervous about meeting his parents (my sister actually told me "don't freak out" this evening), but it still carries quite a bit of weight. WAY back in November when we had our big talk, he mentioned that he usually doesn't even tell his parents about the girls he dates, and they've learned not to ask.

A friend suggested we have a pep talk in the car before meeting up with the 'rents, and ask what is and is not appropriate for conversation. This will be helpful, since of the usual things you're not allowed to discuss in public (religion, politics, etc) I have a degree in. But since I met the kid (and his younger brother the year before) at church camp, religion might actually be appropriate.

I'm still working on getting him to meet my parents, but I haven't asked in a while.

I began seeing a counselor about three weeks ago. He has helped me see quite a bit of how my self worth affects my relationships. At first I was very nervous about seeing a man, but I think It will be very helpful in dispelling my awful view of men. We used the past week to discuss sexuality, and it was rather unawkward, believe it or not.

We are also looking at a bipolar diagnosis. I've called the clinic where I got my antidepressant rx, and will hopefully change to a medication more appropriate.

Other than the super depressing job with awful hours, I'm doing these days.

Only 3 more hours till i wake the kids, and 4 more after that till i get to go home.

Lemon waiting.

Vday

Lets take a moment to compare how this year is different from last year:

I did not receive flowers from an admirer that i have been trying to rid of for years... who then lied about it.

I am not stuck in a "are we or aren't we" ambiguous relationship.

I am employed and not living with my parents.

I did not throw a pity party for myself.

I'm not pining over people that are not worth my time or effort.

INSTEAD:

I actually said "Happy Valentine's Day" to people. For the last several years I have acknowledged people's valentine's greetings, and have responded with "you too" if at all. In the past I have refused to say the words.

I made it through work without saying it, got home, and PBR had texted. He said it to me, I decided to actually say it back. Texting it wasn't so bad.

I climbed into bed, and woke a few short hours later to use the bathroom. My dreams are always so stressful when i need to pee. So I was up 5 minutes later when PBR texted again checking if i was awake. He said he would be there within seconds and he had a present.

Upon opening the door he stated "take a guess!" So i pointed to his left arm and said "that hand!" He rolled his eyes and laughed at me... he only had one hand behind his back. I could see the reflection of something silver in the screen door window. He could tell I was cheating at this point, so he just showed me:
"if you were guessing a Hannah Montana Balloon, you were right!"

I got a quick kiss and he headed back to work. a few minutes later my phone rang as he finally processed the situation: "Why are you awake?"

I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with his efforts today. I sure didn't expect a grown man to buy a balloon featuring a tween idol. Probably not his most masculine moment, but it was appreciated it. I've had a smile on my face all day.

Upon arriving at work staff and clients asked if i had a good day. I was vague, but said yes. I've stood my ground about keeping my private life private, and when clients ask, I just show my empty ring finger and state that all they get to know is that i'm unmarried. My co-workers know a bit more, so when the staff nurse came out of her medical area, she saw me and stated very loudly "Oh Hi! You have a boyfriend, I bet you had a very special day!"

The clients all started giggling and smiling at me. They figured out my secret.
oh well.

All in all, the best valentine's day i've ever had.

Lemon Out

New Year, New Me?

Hello, 2011.
It's nice to see you.

I hope you're less complicated than your predecessor, although I don't wish for stagnation either. Is there a way to hope for challenges that will stretch me, but at the same time don't leave me feeling overstretched all the time? That is what I want.

I'm not sure if these are necessarily resolutions, because they're things I've been working on for the last few years, but I have a list of the types of things I want to make some progress on.

I suppose that if I had to make a resolution, it would be to break down larger goals into smaller ones, so that they don't seem so impossible.

major categories include:

Running.
everyday type goal: run 3x or more times a week. and once a week do a long run.
short term goal: start cutting time off my mile pace. Beat last year's Bloomsday time.
Long term goals: Find another 1/2 marathon to do this year.
Do the whole Seattle Marathon next thanksgiving.

Fitness/health in general:
everyday type goal: use Eliptical machine if too cold out to run. eat my fruits and veggies, take vitamins, wash face daily, shave my legs often
Short term: find a pool, start swimming at least 1x week; Find a bicycle, learn to ride comptetatively; sleep regularly.
Long term: Register and compete in a Triathlon.

Education:
Short term: decide if my GRE scores are high enough to get into grad school, if not, retake test.
Long term: Find a program that I want to do, apply for Grad School.

Career
Daily: rework Resume and Cover Letter; Check job websites at least 3x a week.
Short Term: Decide on Career path, Apply to jobs within that/those fleids.
Long Term: Get out of Eating Disorders, and no more night shifts.

Spiritual
Everyday: Journal and read bible or devotional material 5x a week. Make time in my schedule for this.
Short term: commit to a church, attend regularly.
Long term: find or lead a small group, be a leader in my spiritual community.

Mental Health
Everyday: take my meds
Short term: find a counselor. go to counseling.
Long term: unpack some of my baggage.

Reltionships:
Everyday: communicate with people i care about: calls, texts, emails, spends some time with them.
Short term: be ok with not being best friends with everyone, and allow for relationships that aren't equal in effort to be put on back burners.
Long term: not get ahead of myself with PBR, but allow myself to feel what i feel for him. Learn to communicate my needs and expectations.
Super Long term: get married, have babies.

Organization
Daily: put dishes in sink or directly into dishwasher, put dirty clothes in hamper, put clean clothes that i decide not to wear back in closet/dresser. Don't eat in bed.
Short term: keep room to a respectable level of clean.
Don't leave stuff in livingroom, keep bathroom clean.
Long term: don't be a slob.

Weekend Update

Spent the weekend with some of my closest friends at my family cabin. We ate, drank, skied, played board games, watched movies, and overall had a merry time.

Saturday I used, for the first time, the skis I received for Christmas last year. I skied very well, considering I hadn't graced the slopes with my presence in 3 years. I only fell a few times, but two of those times were quite nasty spills, and I was ready to go home well before our time was up. PBR agreed to take me back to the cabin early, and we hobbled to his car. I did something to my right hip, and i gimped and winced my way through the rest of the weekend.

PBR had to go home Saturday night. It was pre-planned, but disappointing nonetheless. I was overall very impressed with him the whole weekend, however. He was patient and helpful at the ski resort. He helped make breakfast, offered to put everyone's sack lunches in his backpack, engaged in group games and conversations, and all around was pleasant to be around... except for about 10 minutes saturday morning when he realized there was no coffee.

In other updates, I successfully ran the half marathon the weekend after thanksgiving. It took 2 hours and 30 minutues. My knee just finally stopped hurting! I finally got in to see a doctor and am back on prozac, and have a follow up appointment this upcoming friday. I'm not quite done with my christmas shopping, but i think i have it all figured out, and i'm not too stressed.

All in all, things are alright.

Lemon, out.

Girlfriend Mode

This weekend marked the first time where I really felt like PBR's girlfriend. We've had a slow moving relationship, but there was something definably different the last few days.

Friday night was date night. We went to a movie, and then baked cookies at his place. It was nice to spend some quality time with just the two of us, and super cute that we were making his favorite cookies that usually his grandma makes.

Saturday I spent the early afternoon with a friend, then met up with PBR and his friends at a bar to watch the local College Football Rivalry Cup, with "our" team holding onto the win, but just barely. I personally didn't attend either of these universities, but PBR did, and luckily I've always preferred his school over the other.

We moved from the bar to everyone's favorite pizzaria. I had been smart enough to stay sober through the game only sipping off PBR's beer, and he let me drive his car! He still won't ride in mine. I'm not particularly great at driving a stick, but I managed to get us to and from the pizza place.

It was in the restaurant that the first "real girlfriend" moment occurred. A few more of his friends met up with us as we ate, and as PBR gave introductions, eyes seems to linger on me... waiting to officially meet me so as to figure out more about me. It was the "so that's the girlfriend" look.

The main event of the evening was PBR's annual Tacky Xmas Sweater party. PBR and I went back to his place first, so to make sure someone was at his place when guests started arriving. We had a nice ten minutes to ourselves, which of course everyone took the opportunity to make wild claims about what we did in those ten minutes.

The party was a blast. We cracked open a few four lokos (which were gross), played a few drinking games, and I mingled and charmed the pants off PBR's friends. Ok, so everyone's pants stayed on, but still, the resounding theme of the night was "[PBR] we like her," and "She's a keeper."

One of his closest friends stated that he hadn't met any of PBR's past girlfriends... which I'm assuming was an exaggeration, if they've really been friends that long, but the mental note was made; he doesn't use labels lightly, and he doesn't parade every new girl around. I'm also glad that statement was made towards the end of the evening, that would have been a lot of pressure had I known it earlier/sober-er.

Saturday night marked the first night I've stayed at his place since our big boundaries talk. Maybe it was that he was so tired, but he did a great job keeping his hands within marked boundaries.

Despite him not using the labels, it's becoming clearer and clearer... he's the only one whose not.

Lemonfriend

When Roles Reverse

The last year has been hard for me. I watched two of my best friends get married, one get divorced, and one fall in love and get engaged. And honestly, I had a harder time being supportive of the alter bound relationships than I did with the one that failed.

Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.

I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.

I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.

On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.

I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.

All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.

I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.

I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.

So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.

Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.

Lemon Bubbly.

The difference a few years can make.

I met PBR 3 years ago at Camp. There was instant attraction.

There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.

Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.

That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.

Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.

I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.

After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.

I still have the email.

It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.

Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.

There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.

I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.

It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.

PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.

The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.

It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?

I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.

Lemon Hoping.

Cornered

Yesterday evening PBR picked me up to head to game night. We got about 2 miles down the freeway (of our 30 mile trip) and he says "so, I need to have this conversation, and since we're sober, and you're stuck in my car for the next half hour..."

We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.

We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.

We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.

We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).

He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.

As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.

Lemon Up

Support System Addition

Six years ago I got the official diagnosis that I had always known about myself: Depression laced with anxiety. It tends to present in an ADD type fashion. I'm easily distractable, I struggle to conquer large tasks, I rarely sit still. Actually I think my attention span is surprisingly longer than it appears.

I've been staying a head of my ever hovering rain cloud, but for several months (maybe a year), it's been catching up with me. I've made several decisions to try to keep it at bay. I run fairly frequently (and have signed up for a half marathon, which takes place in just six weeks!!!), I try very hard to eat healthily, take my vitamins, and get some sun exposure, and when I feel lousy, I don't drink.

But it's still catching up with me. I've made the decision to find a way to go back on meds. I struggle with the stigma of being medicated, and wondering if who I am supposed to be is an unmedicated, depressed individual... but who is supposed to live like that?

Next healthy step? I told PBR.

He seemed supportive of my decision to pursue the medication route and asked questions of which meds I've been on before. The nice thing about dating someone with a psych degree, is they at least understand that people can't just "snap" out of chemical imbalances. He also found the silver lining in the whole situation: if i'm not drinking, i can be his designated driver. He was (mostly) joking, we laughed, and I threw a line back at him about how I was glad my mental distress works out for his benefit. Besides, jokes on him, he's never ridden in the glorious Citation before!!! He's in for a treat!

We've got vague plans for the weekend, including pumpkin carving/beer pong with some of his friends (lucky me will get put on the team with the pregnant woman, so we can just have the non-alcoholic beer). I'm also supposed to do some stuff with the family this weekend, and I might go as far as to invite him to family dinner. Its about time to meet some parents.

but its almost 4am, and i've slept less than 8 hours total in the last 4 days... and my kitten is rather (unusually) snuggly right now.

Lemon zzzzz

Highway of Love

I had some rather interesting experiences on the freeway this past weekend.

Friday night PBR came out with a group of my friends for a bachelor/ette party and pubcrawl. really, we hit three bars in several hours, which I hear is rather slow (usually it's one drink and move on type of situation), but a good time was had by all.

On the way to the first bar, PBR pulled onto the freeway, and instantly we hit traffic. We didn't even make it to the end of the merge lane when we realize what's holding up traffic: a motorcyclist's bike has stalled, and is trying to get to the shoulder. PBR stops for him, then pulls in behind him, so as to block him from getting hit. He jumps out of the car, and says "gotta check on this guy" and goes to make sure the kid is ok, and can restart his bike.

Did I mention this happened in the middle of a torrential downpour?

Maybe I have a biased opinion about this boy, but what a good Samaritan! AWWW!

Other highlights include him getting me both chopsticks AND a fork, not knowing what my skills would be for the teriyaki chicken dinner. Then his level of excitement when I bought a round of beer at the 2nd bar was pretty funny as well.

Then this afternoon, on my way to PBR's place to watch the NFL game with him and some of his friends (he did stuff with my friends, I did stuff with his friends. all good things), there was a slow down around a bend in the freeway. One State Patrol car had its lights on while sitting on the left shoulder. At first, I was very confused as to why the lights were on, and why traffic was so slow, the SP hadn't pulled anyone over. Then it came into view: shoes. EVERYWHERE!!! Large Men's hiking boots, and several pairs, strewn across several lanes of traffic. Poor state patrolman who had to clean that up.

Sadly the local NFL team lost. But finally meeting several of the friends he talks about often was a bit of a treat. The friends left directly after the game, i dawdled for a few minutes, said I needed to get home to take my sunday afternoon nap, dawdled a little longer, and next thing you know we're cuddled up on the couch.
"I guess I can stay for 10 minutes."
I left an hour an half later. We'll see at 3am if I still think that trade off was worth it, but for now I don't regret it.

I do regret leaving my headphones at home tonight. It makes watching movies on my laptop, or listening to music/audiobooks rather difficult. maybe i'll have to actually read. but i was hoping to knit for a few hours.

Ok well, this busy lemon needs to "work."

Lemon, squeezed!

What Did I DO????

Serious Freak out!

And it has nothing to do with boys!!!

Today I registered for a half marathon. WHAT?!

The race is Thanksgiving weekend. I have 11 weeks to get myself ready for this sucker. I've never run more than 7.5 miles at any one time, and this is almost exactly double that. The next two months are going to be a time of pushing myself very hard physically and mentally to prepare. I've paid my expensive entrance fee, so I'm officially committed to the event.

I almost don't know what's scarier: the 13.1 miles or that everyone has been so supportive. I should feel touched that people believe in me, but to some extent i just feel a lot of pressure to perform well. the 13.1 miles is pretty terrifying though.

Other things I'm working on:

Reapplying for a job at which I think would fit my life and personality well. I have a friend who works there already, and she said the last time I interviewed, they liked me a lot, but went with someone they had passed on the previous time they had hired. So, I've emailed the hiring lady, and hopefully will hear back from her soon.

Looking at photography and photoshop/digital media classes. I live near several community colleges, and one has a highly regarded art department. I Can't afford classes this fall, but hopefully I can see about taking a class and workshop or two in the new year. Taking photos has made me so happy the last few years, but there are times I feel I have so much left to learn. So, lets learn!!

I want to start attending and commit to a church. There's a church one of my friends goes to, and I've liked it when I've gone in the past. I've committed to a small group for fall quarter, and I'm looking at an internship they do, possibly starting next spring/summer.

So, i guess that's where my priorities lie these days: Jesus, running, photography, and finding a job that fits my strengths.
good thing things are going slow with PBR... do i even have time for him!? of course i do. I love making time for him. :-)

Lemon Out!

(just a side note/complaint) Like i said, most people have been super supportive of my commitment to the half-m. I texted Dr Bravo earlier to see if he would run with me when I'm at my parents house the next two weekends. He says he will run, but we have to go slow, I tell him i'm in training, and he calls me crazy. boo.

and I'm more than just ok with it

Last weekend was best friend's wedding. It was an EXTRAVAGANZAAAA!!! to say the least. And now that we've wrapped that one up, the whole group has to re-group for another close friend's wedding! I am very happy for both of these wonderful women, and I'm trying very hard to keep my general crankiness under control, but there's just something about wedding planning that puts me instantly in a bad mood. But this is about them, and not about me. It has become my mantra of late.

I had a minor freak out over PBR last week. He picked me up from the wedding, and we went back to his place to watch a movie. In typical Lemon fashion, we whispered in the dark very briefly about our relationship status. He's not ready for labels, but is definitely interested in continuing along our current path and "moving forward." It made sense to me at the time... but I had consumed many a libation, so really, almost anything could have made sense. His reasoning had mostly to do with how little we see each other.

I stewed on this for a few days. First I was happy, focusing mostly on the "moving forward" aspect, then I started to freak out! He isn't ready for labels! WHAT?! This obviously translates into "he wants out" and the lack of texts between us this week was just another red flag. I also began to feel some pressure from some well meaning friends that I need to push for labels.

But then this weekend rolled around. He not only took initiative in us finding time to spend together, but after reviewing my phone inbox, there had actually been over 40 texts between us this past week.

So, after a long day of paying attention to football scores (gotta know if he'll be celebrating or mourning), I headed to his place, and we were going to join a few of his friends for game night. I returned the sweatshirt he lent me last week (mostly cuz i had to wash it, and it no longer smelled of him. who needs extra clothes that don't even smell like the person they belong to?) and I retrieved my long lost bridesmaid dress. Scandalous, I know. He got a call saying game night was going to end early, so we chose a movie and settled in with a beer or two.

Somewhere between the captain Kirk battling the Romulans (I totally geeked out on this), the several games of football, fantasy football standings, and a formula 1 race (his turn to nerd it up), wet willies, and a kiss goodbye I had a rather nice realization. This is my unique relationship with PBR. It is unlike any other relationship I've ever had, and its unique pacing makes it special. I'm more than ok with not doing "labels" at this point. Definitely not forever, but we'll see where things go.

I could learn to enjoy football season even more if it means lazy Sunday mornings snugged up on the couch.

Lemon out

Irregardless of what you think

Ok, before I get shot for using non-words, it'll come back into play, so be patient!

Its been a long time time since my last update... We did a small service for Grandma, but a larger memorial service is happening this Sunday. I hadn't really been prepared to say goodbye to my last grandparent, and I'm not sure it'll hit home until the holidays.

The Dr. Has left the building. we've hung out... uhhh... barely at all in the last month. He and another friend were supposed to come to dinner a few weeks ago, and then i got a call they couldn't make it. But only after I had 4 peoples worth of food on the grill. he offered to take the bus back into the city to have dinner, but wouldn't be able to get there for another 3 hours or so. I said no. I drove him home from work about a week ago, and it was just so obvious from my end that the spark is gone. Oh well. I might be dark and twisty at times, but being a surgeon's wife seems like something i'll leave for TV plot lines.

PBR has made quite the interception of my affections. Ok, maybe that makes me sound a bit more like Mrs. Ferrars (Miss Lucy Steele, as were) than intended, but since we went to an NFL game this past Saturday, I'm going to stick with football references. I'm a little glad we didn't go to the local MLB game, since baseball metaphors imply a bit more physicality than what I intend to relay on this blog.

If the goal line is an "in a relationship" definition, then we made some serious yardage towards that end zone. In plain english: we decided that we're not doing the friends with benefits thing. Which means I'm dating someone! waaaahoooo!

1st and goal, extra points to be awarded when i get to use the all powerful/terrifying "bf" word. Its been a long time since i've have a legitimate relationship with labels and everything... But i do believe that is where this is heading. No more "i wonder if this is where we're going," and instead, just going there.

Unless of course the quaterback gets sacked.

Game highlights included pizza and beer for dinner, his tirade on people's use of Irregardless (told you i'd come back to it) along with the correct use of "to, too, and two." I think in the not too distant past I heard him mention a book he recently read, which as you all know, is HOTTT! Oh, the actual football game wasn't so bad either... i think. I do know home team won, but there was beer, there was vodka in gatorade bottles, and i think the most mind altering: a kiss after a touch down and some intertwined fingers.

Lemon Up!

update?

Things have been a little rocky for this lemon. Working the night shift is starting to wear on me, so i've started looking for something new. Also, my grandma passed away this week.

Also frustrating is Dr Bravo flaked on me. again. we had plans to go see a movie friday night. he said he's be home by 8, i should pick a movie and a time, and he'd call when he made it into town. He didn't text until 11. I had been driving, so at the next stop light i told him i'd call when i got home, he said ok. So i call, and he doesn't answer. He called back 2 minutes later

He had missed his bus, and his phone was dead, then his phone was on vibrate, and excuse and excuse and excuse. I tried very hard to stay neutral when we talked, and straight told him how disrespected I feel when he flakes on plans. He apologized, and had ideas of how to prevent being late like that again. I told him i appreciated the apology, that i didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but its still very frustrating, and disrespectful, and maybe it was just bad timing that it happened tonight, but I'm struggling in life, and he knows this, and i needed him to come through, and he hadn't. He apologized again, stammered for a minute, and i said i'd talk to him later.

I guess we'll see when he decides to put some effort into our friendship. I'm done with the idea of dating him. This decision has been in the works for the last 2 months or so, with this being the nail in the coffin.

On the other hand, PBR has been in the picture quite a bit lately. He took me out sailing two weeks ago, he came by last week when i didn't want to be home alone, and we hung out again last night.

PBR has been a bit of sunshine in this rather gloomy week.

Lemon, trying to make lemonade, out.

Insecurities

There have been periods of my life where I have been through tough times, and at the end I have been able to look back and learn from my mistakes and successes. The past six months (possibly whole year) have been a unique span of my life where I'm not sure there have been any super defining moments, but I feel I have a better grasp on why I behave the way I do.

I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.

Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.

My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.

And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."

This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.

I can't do it

I'm sorry, I just can't.

I know that the moments the words leave my mouth, as soon as we actually have the conversation, no matter the outcome, my life will have some sort of definition to it...

I just can't get the words out. My voice fails.

It never fails when i lie. "no, everything's fine" comes out quite loud actually.

Fail.

So, the dr came over for dinner and I made tacos. They were delicious. Then we sat down for a movie. 500 Days of Summer. Great movie, terrible choice for the evening. It's all about this guy and his failed relationship. Its kinda hard to describe, but overall, it basically deflated every idea i had as to how to start the dtr.

It was a nice evening though. tacos, beer, movies. we cuddled a bit. My roommate was super optimistic for the evening, especially when she came home and saw us on the couch. but no.

Its not like i wont see him ever again. this wasn't my only chance.

Lemon out

rain rain everywhere

My dreams, facbook feed, direct contact... i can't seem to get any boys that i've had feelings for in the last 10 years out of my head. Or line of sight.

I had a dream about an ex the other night (THE ex). things were heating up (at least my subconsious gets some action), and our conversation was about not worrying what other people think, our love was real. That's super odd, I don't love him at all. According to what i've been following on facebook, he's in the process of moving to california. Peace out dude, I really don't need you in my head anymore. I've been meaning to unfriend him for a long time. Guess I should finally do it.

I was going through my phone earlier today and CPR's name jumped out at me. I deleted it. I gave up hope of him not being a super duche months ago, I guess I just never took the time to actually get rid of his number.

CLBF shows up on my facebook feed as well quite often. And more often than not his picture stares at me from the little box of "mutual friends." I miss him often. If i were to actually see him face to face, I'd probably cry. Even though that relationship was definitely not easy, It helped me see some of the ways that I'm broken. I don't trust men, I don't believe men have emotions/feelings, and I run from mine. I think of him fondly. Even as challenging as those months were with him, I at least knew he cared about me.

Then there's the guy who only ever calls/attempts to hang out when he's single. We both haven't really treated each other with a ton of respect. He kisses me then disappears, I blow off invitations to hang out. He's single again and chatted me up the other night, wants to drink cheep beer. He might be named PBR, being his favorite beer, but I think i started this blog way after most of our antics.
I'd like to hang out with PBR. I should feel used that its likely he's just looking for a hookup, but what if thats something that interests me right now? I really think that'd be a bad decision if i'm actually trying to move things forward with the DR, but, should i let a non-relationship stop me from maybe interacting with anyone else?

And speaking of my non-relationship... well I guess i just summed up how things are with Dr Bravo. Nothing has changed in the slightest. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I got to when I was unemployed and living with my parents, but I guess you win some you lose some.
The Dr had been interested in going to see Conan with me last weekend, but decided not to go, and failed to give me a reason why... Until after the show. Apparently his grandfather died. Its a great reason for anything really, but it would have been nice if he had just told me what was going on.
he made mention of being interested in running the 12k race I do every year and have been training for this spring. I gave him the information, said it'd be super fun if he joined in for the weekend, and he didn't give me an answer.

Then there's the super-manipulative route I could take: use PBR to make the DR jealous. How would he react if he heard i was going on a date? The fork in the road, i fear he would take, is that instead of spuring him into action, he'd just feel rejected and back off. Besides, I don't want to trick boys into having realtionships with me, nor do i want to lead others on that i'm not actually interested in. Damn me and my conscience.

My work husband was a super flake over the past weekend as well. I don't blame him in the slightest as to work preventing him from going to Conan, We both thought he'd be done in time, and we were both very wrong. But he failed to answer phone calls or texts. and after two unanswered calls, unless its an emergancy, thats the time i stop calling. I can take a hint.

I'm super excited for my health insurance to kick in here soon. I need a therapist. I'm feeling super crazy, and not in the fun ridiculous type of way, but in a "i'm on the verge of crashing hard" type of way.

Lemon out.


POST SCRIPT EDIT
CLBF just posted a status on Facebook stating he got a new phone and needs everyone's numbers. I not only shouldn't give him mine, I should delete him out of my phone. I doubt i'll actually text him, but i don't know if i can let go of his number yet.

Encouragement

I want him to make the move. Has he made the move? no. So, now the challenge is to encourage the move without actually making the move myself. This is a tricky line to walk.

Dr Bravo and I have movie plans for tonight. Add on to the caffeine I've ingested today, that that makes for one jittery lemon.

Over the last couple of weeks Dr Bravo has met a few of my friends, and each new person has said the same thing "he obviously likes you." But, Its been two and a half months of hanging out, and he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. A well known book-turned-movie states that If he isn't sleeping with you: red flag. This is obviously a bit further than my physical limits for short term relationships, (aka anything that doesn't involve me in a white dress with a diamond on my finger after a short ceremony), but perhaps this also proves true for the actions that i do allow for.

But I've also read places, that because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us... This is what that passage pertains to, right? My hope for a kiss at the end of a date?

Anyway, as a wise friend told me, I need to help set up and encourage his actions without it looking like I'm actually making the move. I hope I can find that balance, and not look as desperate as Jacob and Mike:

And How Does That Make You Feel?

Yes, I'm actually making some progress in my life!

I got a job! I now work nights at a treatment center for teens with eating disorders. It makes me think a lot about my food habits, and very thankful that I don't have an eating disorder. I think mostly I'm too lazy to care that much about controlling food intake to that degree, although If I was a bit more type A personality, I don't think it would have been that much of a jump.

I'm having trouble getting enough sleep. Do we ever get enough sleep? Well, 4 or 5 hours is def not enough. It doesn't help that there's barking dogs, daylight, and the general bodily desire to be awake in the middle of the day. Also I'm pretty sure there was a helicopter circling the neighborhood today.

I got my room painted in the house I'll be moving into! Its a nice peachy orangy color, and I've got green blackout curtains I need to put up. Everyone is working on moving in, and I hope to be in by my birthday (which is less than three weeks out!).

Progress with the good Dr has been slow, but i think moving forward. We had a nice cuddle the other night, and he kissed the top of my head. It was super sweet. And speaking of things I hope to have done by my birthday... perhaps a dtr? I guess we'll see.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm absolutely in LOVE with this song.

Lemon up?