Fail.

So, the dr came over for dinner and I made tacos. They were delicious. Then we sat down for a movie. 500 Days of Summer. Great movie, terrible choice for the evening. It's all about this guy and his failed relationship. Its kinda hard to describe, but overall, it basically deflated every idea i had as to how to start the dtr.

It was a nice evening though. tacos, beer, movies. we cuddled a bit. My roommate was super optimistic for the evening, especially when she came home and saw us on the couch. but no.

Its not like i wont see him ever again. this wasn't my only chance.

Lemon out

rain rain everywhere

My dreams, facbook feed, direct contact... i can't seem to get any boys that i've had feelings for in the last 10 years out of my head. Or line of sight.

I had a dream about an ex the other night (THE ex). things were heating up (at least my subconsious gets some action), and our conversation was about not worrying what other people think, our love was real. That's super odd, I don't love him at all. According to what i've been following on facebook, he's in the process of moving to california. Peace out dude, I really don't need you in my head anymore. I've been meaning to unfriend him for a long time. Guess I should finally do it.

I was going through my phone earlier today and CPR's name jumped out at me. I deleted it. I gave up hope of him not being a super duche months ago, I guess I just never took the time to actually get rid of his number.

CLBF shows up on my facebook feed as well quite often. And more often than not his picture stares at me from the little box of "mutual friends." I miss him often. If i were to actually see him face to face, I'd probably cry. Even though that relationship was definitely not easy, It helped me see some of the ways that I'm broken. I don't trust men, I don't believe men have emotions/feelings, and I run from mine. I think of him fondly. Even as challenging as those months were with him, I at least knew he cared about me.

Then there's the guy who only ever calls/attempts to hang out when he's single. We both haven't really treated each other with a ton of respect. He kisses me then disappears, I blow off invitations to hang out. He's single again and chatted me up the other night, wants to drink cheep beer. He might be named PBR, being his favorite beer, but I think i started this blog way after most of our antics.
I'd like to hang out with PBR. I should feel used that its likely he's just looking for a hookup, but what if thats something that interests me right now? I really think that'd be a bad decision if i'm actually trying to move things forward with the DR, but, should i let a non-relationship stop me from maybe interacting with anyone else?

And speaking of my non-relationship... well I guess i just summed up how things are with Dr Bravo. Nothing has changed in the slightest. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I got to when I was unemployed and living with my parents, but I guess you win some you lose some.
The Dr had been interested in going to see Conan with me last weekend, but decided not to go, and failed to give me a reason why... Until after the show. Apparently his grandfather died. Its a great reason for anything really, but it would have been nice if he had just told me what was going on.
he made mention of being interested in running the 12k race I do every year and have been training for this spring. I gave him the information, said it'd be super fun if he joined in for the weekend, and he didn't give me an answer.

Then there's the super-manipulative route I could take: use PBR to make the DR jealous. How would he react if he heard i was going on a date? The fork in the road, i fear he would take, is that instead of spuring him into action, he'd just feel rejected and back off. Besides, I don't want to trick boys into having realtionships with me, nor do i want to lead others on that i'm not actually interested in. Damn me and my conscience.

My work husband was a super flake over the past weekend as well. I don't blame him in the slightest as to work preventing him from going to Conan, We both thought he'd be done in time, and we were both very wrong. But he failed to answer phone calls or texts. and after two unanswered calls, unless its an emergancy, thats the time i stop calling. I can take a hint.

I'm super excited for my health insurance to kick in here soon. I need a therapist. I'm feeling super crazy, and not in the fun ridiculous type of way, but in a "i'm on the verge of crashing hard" type of way.

Lemon out.


POST SCRIPT EDIT
CLBF just posted a status on Facebook stating he got a new phone and needs everyone's numbers. I not only shouldn't give him mine, I should delete him out of my phone. I doubt i'll actually text him, but i don't know if i can let go of his number yet.

Encouragement

I want him to make the move. Has he made the move? no. So, now the challenge is to encourage the move without actually making the move myself. This is a tricky line to walk.

Dr Bravo and I have movie plans for tonight. Add on to the caffeine I've ingested today, that that makes for one jittery lemon.

Over the last couple of weeks Dr Bravo has met a few of my friends, and each new person has said the same thing "he obviously likes you." But, Its been two and a half months of hanging out, and he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. A well known book-turned-movie states that If he isn't sleeping with you: red flag. This is obviously a bit further than my physical limits for short term relationships, (aka anything that doesn't involve me in a white dress with a diamond on my finger after a short ceremony), but perhaps this also proves true for the actions that i do allow for.

But I've also read places, that because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us... This is what that passage pertains to, right? My hope for a kiss at the end of a date?

Anyway, as a wise friend told me, I need to help set up and encourage his actions without it looking like I'm actually making the move. I hope I can find that balance, and not look as desperate as Jacob and Mike:

And How Does That Make You Feel?

Yes, I'm actually making some progress in my life!

I got a job! I now work nights at a treatment center for teens with eating disorders. It makes me think a lot about my food habits, and very thankful that I don't have an eating disorder. I think mostly I'm too lazy to care that much about controlling food intake to that degree, although If I was a bit more type A personality, I don't think it would have been that much of a jump.

I'm having trouble getting enough sleep. Do we ever get enough sleep? Well, 4 or 5 hours is def not enough. It doesn't help that there's barking dogs, daylight, and the general bodily desire to be awake in the middle of the day. Also I'm pretty sure there was a helicopter circling the neighborhood today.

I got my room painted in the house I'll be moving into! Its a nice peachy orangy color, and I've got green blackout curtains I need to put up. Everyone is working on moving in, and I hope to be in by my birthday (which is less than three weeks out!).

Progress with the good Dr has been slow, but i think moving forward. We had a nice cuddle the other night, and he kissed the top of my head. It was super sweet. And speaking of things I hope to have done by my birthday... perhaps a dtr? I guess we'll see.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm absolutely in LOVE with this song.

Lemon up?

Square1

Back to the drawing board.

Neither jobs I interviewed hired me. poop.

I've got a few more applications in that i think i might have a chance for.

I did get to go to the Olympics this past weekend. So awesome. Glad to have had something nice to distract me from all the bad news.

Had dinner with Dr Bravo last night, that was great.

nothing really else.

lemon

Just Keep Swimming

So its been over a week since my last update. I've eaten all the chocolates mr awkard sent, the flowers are on the table, and I haven't spoken to him nor has he contacted me since.

I've been through two rounds of interviews at the children center I've applied to, and I'm just waiting to hear from them.* I've got my round two interview at the hospital tomorrow morning. The waiting game is killing me. ugh.

Not much to say about Dr Bravo either. We're still hanging out lots, but still no kiss. Friend Zone? I hope not.

So... I guess I'll let you all know when i know more. hopefully soon.

*as soon as i signed out of this account, and into my email i found a rejection notice from the child center. They went with someone else.

flowers and lies

I woke up this morning and decided i would be very direct with Dr Bravo. Since mr awkward had denied being the source of the flowers, i only had one other guess.
I texted the dr "did you send me flowers?" and he said "no, did you get flowers?"
"yeah," i replied "but there wasn't a name on them. odd."
He responded "your secret admirer's calendar is off by a few days."

So, I've given him a few things to chew over. 1. I have a secret admirer, that isn't him. 2. I would think that he likes me enough that he would send me flowers, and 3. possibly that i hoped that he had sent them.


Well, then, who sent them?
Mr awkward popped up on facebook chat, and i asked him again "honestly [mr] did you send me flowers?"
He said "no."

I gave the whole situation some thought, so I did some investigating, and on the box the flowers came in there was a phone number, With the area code from the city i moved out of just a few months ago. Hmmm, i checked the number with various single men i know of in the area (whose numbers i had in my cell), and no matches.

I went back to facebook, looked up the profile for mr awkward, and there. Yes. Its a match.

So, now, not only is he awkward, but he lied to me. Just plain lied.

Now I've gone from grateful for beautiful flowers and slightly confused, to extremely put out... and severely confused.
I get that he probably still has some sort of torch burning for me, but we've been over this. Its not happening.

Here's hoping this whole situation will help me define very clearly two different relationships... and even more so that one flame would be snuffed out for good, and the other flamed into some hot hot lovin! haha

Lemon... hopeful?