Six years ago I got the official diagnosis that I had always known about myself: Depression laced with anxiety. It tends to present in an ADD type fashion. I'm easily distractable, I struggle to conquer large tasks, I rarely sit still. Actually I think my attention span is surprisingly longer than it appears.
I've been staying a head of my ever hovering rain cloud, but for several months (maybe a year), it's been catching up with me. I've made several decisions to try to keep it at bay. I run fairly frequently (and have signed up for a half marathon, which takes place in just six weeks!!!), I try very hard to eat healthily, take my vitamins, and get some sun exposure, and when I feel lousy, I don't drink.
But it's still catching up with me. I've made the decision to find a way to go back on meds. I struggle with the stigma of being medicated, and wondering if who I am supposed to be is an unmedicated, depressed individual... but who is supposed to live like that?
Next healthy step? I told PBR.
He seemed supportive of my decision to pursue the medication route and asked questions of which meds I've been on before. The nice thing about dating someone with a psych degree, is they at least understand that people can't just "snap" out of chemical imbalances. He also found the silver lining in the whole situation: if i'm not drinking, i can be his designated driver. He was (mostly) joking, we laughed, and I threw a line back at him about how I was glad my mental distress works out for his benefit. Besides, jokes on him, he's never ridden in the glorious Citation before!!! He's in for a treat!
We've got vague plans for the weekend, including pumpkin carving/beer pong with some of his friends (lucky me will get put on the team with the pregnant woman, so we can just have the non-alcoholic beer). I'm also supposed to do some stuff with the family this weekend, and I might go as far as to invite him to family dinner. Its about time to meet some parents.
but its almost 4am, and i've slept less than 8 hours total in the last 4 days... and my kitten is rather (unusually) snuggly right now.
Lemon zzzzz
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Highway of Love
I had some rather interesting experiences on the freeway this past weekend.
Friday night PBR came out with a group of my friends for a bachelor/ette party and pubcrawl. really, we hit three bars in several hours, which I hear is rather slow (usually it's one drink and move on type of situation), but a good time was had by all.
On the way to the first bar, PBR pulled onto the freeway, and instantly we hit traffic. We didn't even make it to the end of the merge lane when we realize what's holding up traffic: a motorcyclist's bike has stalled, and is trying to get to the shoulder. PBR stops for him, then pulls in behind him, so as to block him from getting hit. He jumps out of the car, and says "gotta check on this guy" and goes to make sure the kid is ok, and can restart his bike.
Did I mention this happened in the middle of a torrential downpour?
Maybe I have a biased opinion about this boy, but what a good Samaritan! AWWW!
Other highlights include him getting me both chopsticks AND a fork, not knowing what my skills would be for the teriyaki chicken dinner. Then his level of excitement when I bought a round of beer at the 2nd bar was pretty funny as well.
Then this afternoon, on my way to PBR's place to watch the NFL game with him and some of his friends (he did stuff with my friends, I did stuff with his friends. all good things), there was a slow down around a bend in the freeway. One State Patrol car had its lights on while sitting on the left shoulder. At first, I was very confused as to why the lights were on, and why traffic was so slow, the SP hadn't pulled anyone over. Then it came into view: shoes. EVERYWHERE!!! Large Men's hiking boots, and several pairs, strewn across several lanes of traffic. Poor state patrolman who had to clean that up.
Sadly the local NFL team lost. But finally meeting several of the friends he talks about often was a bit of a treat. The friends left directly after the game, i dawdled for a few minutes, said I needed to get home to take my sunday afternoon nap, dawdled a little longer, and next thing you know we're cuddled up on the couch.
"I guess I can stay for 10 minutes."
I left an hour an half later. We'll see at 3am if I still think that trade off was worth it, but for now I don't regret it.
I do regret leaving my headphones at home tonight. It makes watching movies on my laptop, or listening to music/audiobooks rather difficult. maybe i'll have to actually read. but i was hoping to knit for a few hours.
Ok well, this busy lemon needs to "work."
Lemon, squeezed!
Friday night PBR came out with a group of my friends for a bachelor/ette party and pubcrawl. really, we hit three bars in several hours, which I hear is rather slow (usually it's one drink and move on type of situation), but a good time was had by all.
On the way to the first bar, PBR pulled onto the freeway, and instantly we hit traffic. We didn't even make it to the end of the merge lane when we realize what's holding up traffic: a motorcyclist's bike has stalled, and is trying to get to the shoulder. PBR stops for him, then pulls in behind him, so as to block him from getting hit. He jumps out of the car, and says "gotta check on this guy" and goes to make sure the kid is ok, and can restart his bike.
Did I mention this happened in the middle of a torrential downpour?
Maybe I have a biased opinion about this boy, but what a good Samaritan! AWWW!
Other highlights include him getting me both chopsticks AND a fork, not knowing what my skills would be for the teriyaki chicken dinner. Then his level of excitement when I bought a round of beer at the 2nd bar was pretty funny as well.
Then this afternoon, on my way to PBR's place to watch the NFL game with him and some of his friends (he did stuff with my friends, I did stuff with his friends. all good things), there was a slow down around a bend in the freeway. One State Patrol car had its lights on while sitting on the left shoulder. At first, I was very confused as to why the lights were on, and why traffic was so slow, the SP hadn't pulled anyone over. Then it came into view: shoes. EVERYWHERE!!! Large Men's hiking boots, and several pairs, strewn across several lanes of traffic. Poor state patrolman who had to clean that up.
Sadly the local NFL team lost. But finally meeting several of the friends he talks about often was a bit of a treat. The friends left directly after the game, i dawdled for a few minutes, said I needed to get home to take my sunday afternoon nap, dawdled a little longer, and next thing you know we're cuddled up on the couch.
"I guess I can stay for 10 minutes."
I left an hour an half later. We'll see at 3am if I still think that trade off was worth it, but for now I don't regret it.
I do regret leaving my headphones at home tonight. It makes watching movies on my laptop, or listening to music/audiobooks rather difficult. maybe i'll have to actually read. but i was hoping to knit for a few hours.
Ok well, this busy lemon needs to "work."
Lemon, squeezed!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What Did I DO????
Serious Freak out!
And it has nothing to do with boys!!!
Today I registered for a half marathon. WHAT?!
The race is Thanksgiving weekend. I have 11 weeks to get myself ready for this sucker. I've never run more than 7.5 miles at any one time, and this is almost exactly double that. The next two months are going to be a time of pushing myself very hard physically and mentally to prepare. I've paid my expensive entrance fee, so I'm officially committed to the event.
I almost don't know what's scarier: the 13.1 miles or that everyone has been so supportive. I should feel touched that people believe in me, but to some extent i just feel a lot of pressure to perform well. the 13.1 miles is pretty terrifying though.
Other things I'm working on:
Reapplying for a job at which I think would fit my life and personality well. I have a friend who works there already, and she said the last time I interviewed, they liked me a lot, but went with someone they had passed on the previous time they had hired. So, I've emailed the hiring lady, and hopefully will hear back from her soon.
Looking at photography and photoshop/digital media classes. I live near several community colleges, and one has a highly regarded art department. I Can't afford classes this fall, but hopefully I can see about taking a class and workshop or two in the new year. Taking photos has made me so happy the last few years, but there are times I feel I have so much left to learn. So, lets learn!!
I want to start attending and commit to a church. There's a church one of my friends goes to, and I've liked it when I've gone in the past. I've committed to a small group for fall quarter, and I'm looking at an internship they do, possibly starting next spring/summer.
So, i guess that's where my priorities lie these days: Jesus, running, photography, and finding a job that fits my strengths.
good thing things are going slow with PBR... do i even have time for him!? of course i do. I love making time for him. :-)
Lemon Out!
(just a side note/complaint) Like i said, most people have been super supportive of my commitment to the half-m. I texted Dr Bravo earlier to see if he would run with me when I'm at my parents house the next two weekends. He says he will run, but we have to go slow, I tell him i'm in training, and he calls me crazy. boo.
And it has nothing to do with boys!!!
Today I registered for a half marathon. WHAT?!
The race is Thanksgiving weekend. I have 11 weeks to get myself ready for this sucker. I've never run more than 7.5 miles at any one time, and this is almost exactly double that. The next two months are going to be a time of pushing myself very hard physically and mentally to prepare. I've paid my expensive entrance fee, so I'm officially committed to the event.
I almost don't know what's scarier: the 13.1 miles or that everyone has been so supportive. I should feel touched that people believe in me, but to some extent i just feel a lot of pressure to perform well. the 13.1 miles is pretty terrifying though.
Other things I'm working on:
Reapplying for a job at which I think would fit my life and personality well. I have a friend who works there already, and she said the last time I interviewed, they liked me a lot, but went with someone they had passed on the previous time they had hired. So, I've emailed the hiring lady, and hopefully will hear back from her soon.
Looking at photography and photoshop/digital media classes. I live near several community colleges, and one has a highly regarded art department. I Can't afford classes this fall, but hopefully I can see about taking a class and workshop or two in the new year. Taking photos has made me so happy the last few years, but there are times I feel I have so much left to learn. So, lets learn!!
I want to start attending and commit to a church. There's a church one of my friends goes to, and I've liked it when I've gone in the past. I've committed to a small group for fall quarter, and I'm looking at an internship they do, possibly starting next spring/summer.
So, i guess that's where my priorities lie these days: Jesus, running, photography, and finding a job that fits my strengths.
good thing things are going slow with PBR... do i even have time for him!? of course i do. I love making time for him. :-)
Lemon Out!
(just a side note/complaint) Like i said, most people have been super supportive of my commitment to the half-m. I texted Dr Bravo earlier to see if he would run with me when I'm at my parents house the next two weekends. He says he will run, but we have to go slow, I tell him i'm in training, and he calls me crazy. boo.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
and I'm more than just ok with it
Last weekend was best friend's wedding. It was an EXTRAVAGANZAAAA!!! to say the least. And now that we've wrapped that one up, the whole group has to re-group for another close friend's wedding! I am very happy for both of these wonderful women, and I'm trying very hard to keep my general crankiness under control, but there's just something about wedding planning that puts me instantly in a bad mood. But this is about them, and not about me. It has become my mantra of late.
I had a minor freak out over PBR last week. He picked me up from the wedding, and we went back to his place to watch a movie. In typical Lemon fashion, we whispered in the dark very briefly about our relationship status. He's not ready for labels, but is definitely interested in continuing along our current path and "moving forward." It made sense to me at the time... but I had consumed many a libation, so really, almost anything could have made sense. His reasoning had mostly to do with how little we see each other.
I stewed on this for a few days. First I was happy, focusing mostly on the "moving forward" aspect, then I started to freak out! He isn't ready for labels! WHAT?! This obviously translates into "he wants out" and the lack of texts between us this week was just another red flag. I also began to feel some pressure from some well meaning friends that I need to push for labels.
But then this weekend rolled around. He not only took initiative in us finding time to spend together, but after reviewing my phone inbox, there had actually been over 40 texts between us this past week.
So, after a long day of paying attention to football scores (gotta know if he'll be celebrating or mourning), I headed to his place, and we were going to join a few of his friends for game night. I returned the sweatshirt he lent me last week (mostly cuz i had to wash it, and it no longer smelled of him. who needs extra clothes that don't even smell like the person they belong to?) and I retrieved my long lost bridesmaid dress. Scandalous, I know. He got a call saying game night was going to end early, so we chose a movie and settled in with a beer or two.
Somewhere between the captain Kirk battling the Romulans (I totally geeked out on this), the several games of football, fantasy football standings, and a formula 1 race (his turn to nerd it up), wet willies, and a kiss goodbye I had a rather nice realization. This is my unique relationship with PBR. It is unlike any other relationship I've ever had, and its unique pacing makes it special. I'm more than ok with not doing "labels" at this point. Definitely not forever, but we'll see where things go.
I could learn to enjoy football season even more if it means lazy Sunday mornings snugged up on the couch.
Lemon out
I had a minor freak out over PBR last week. He picked me up from the wedding, and we went back to his place to watch a movie. In typical Lemon fashion, we whispered in the dark very briefly about our relationship status. He's not ready for labels, but is definitely interested in continuing along our current path and "moving forward." It made sense to me at the time... but I had consumed many a libation, so really, almost anything could have made sense. His reasoning had mostly to do with how little we see each other.
I stewed on this for a few days. First I was happy, focusing mostly on the "moving forward" aspect, then I started to freak out! He isn't ready for labels! WHAT?! This obviously translates into "he wants out" and the lack of texts between us this week was just another red flag. I also began to feel some pressure from some well meaning friends that I need to push for labels.
But then this weekend rolled around. He not only took initiative in us finding time to spend together, but after reviewing my phone inbox, there had actually been over 40 texts between us this past week.
So, after a long day of paying attention to football scores (gotta know if he'll be celebrating or mourning), I headed to his place, and we were going to join a few of his friends for game night. I returned the sweatshirt he lent me last week (mostly cuz i had to wash it, and it no longer smelled of him. who needs extra clothes that don't even smell like the person they belong to?) and I retrieved my long lost bridesmaid dress. Scandalous, I know. He got a call saying game night was going to end early, so we chose a movie and settled in with a beer or two.
Somewhere between the captain Kirk battling the Romulans (I totally geeked out on this), the several games of football, fantasy football standings, and a formula 1 race (his turn to nerd it up), wet willies, and a kiss goodbye I had a rather nice realization. This is my unique relationship with PBR. It is unlike any other relationship I've ever had, and its unique pacing makes it special. I'm more than ok with not doing "labels" at this point. Definitely not forever, but we'll see where things go.
I could learn to enjoy football season even more if it means lazy Sunday mornings snugged up on the couch.
Lemon out
Monday, August 16, 2010
Irregardless of what you think
Ok, before I get shot for using non-words, it'll come back into play, so be patient!
Its been a long time time since my last update... We did a small service for Grandma, but a larger memorial service is happening this Sunday. I hadn't really been prepared to say goodbye to my last grandparent, and I'm not sure it'll hit home until the holidays.
The Dr. Has left the building. we've hung out... uhhh... barely at all in the last month. He and another friend were supposed to come to dinner a few weeks ago, and then i got a call they couldn't make it. But only after I had 4 peoples worth of food on the grill. he offered to take the bus back into the city to have dinner, but wouldn't be able to get there for another 3 hours or so. I said no. I drove him home from work about a week ago, and it was just so obvious from my end that the spark is gone. Oh well. I might be dark and twisty at times, but being a surgeon's wife seems like something i'll leave for TV plot lines.
PBR has made quite the interception of my affections. Ok, maybe that makes me sound a bit more like Mrs. Ferrars (Miss Lucy Steele, as were) than intended, but since we went to an NFL game this past Saturday, I'm going to stick with football references. I'm a little glad we didn't go to the local MLB game, since baseball metaphors imply a bit more physicality than what I intend to relay on this blog.
If the goal line is an "in a relationship" definition, then we made some serious yardage towards that end zone. In plain english: we decided that we're not doing the friends with benefits thing. Which means I'm dating someone! waaaahoooo!
1st and goal, extra points to be awarded when i get to use the all powerful/terrifying "bf" word. Its been a long time since i've have a legitimate relationship with labels and everything... But i do believe that is where this is heading. No more "i wonder if this is where we're going," and instead, just going there.
Unless of course the quaterback gets sacked.
Game highlights included pizza and beer for dinner, his tirade on people's use of Irregardless (told you i'd come back to it) along with the correct use of "to, too, and two." I think in the not too distant past I heard him mention a book he recently read, which as you all know, is HOTTT! Oh, the actual football game wasn't so bad either... i think. I do know home team won, but there was beer, there was vodka in gatorade bottles, and i think the most mind altering: a kiss after a touch down and some intertwined fingers.
Lemon Up!
Its been a long time time since my last update... We did a small service for Grandma, but a larger memorial service is happening this Sunday. I hadn't really been prepared to say goodbye to my last grandparent, and I'm not sure it'll hit home until the holidays.
The Dr. Has left the building. we've hung out... uhhh... barely at all in the last month. He and another friend were supposed to come to dinner a few weeks ago, and then i got a call they couldn't make it. But only after I had 4 peoples worth of food on the grill. he offered to take the bus back into the city to have dinner, but wouldn't be able to get there for another 3 hours or so. I said no. I drove him home from work about a week ago, and it was just so obvious from my end that the spark is gone. Oh well. I might be dark and twisty at times, but being a surgeon's wife seems like something i'll leave for TV plot lines.
PBR has made quite the interception of my affections. Ok, maybe that makes me sound a bit more like Mrs. Ferrars (Miss Lucy Steele, as were) than intended, but since we went to an NFL game this past Saturday, I'm going to stick with football references. I'm a little glad we didn't go to the local MLB game, since baseball metaphors imply a bit more physicality than what I intend to relay on this blog.
If the goal line is an "in a relationship" definition, then we made some serious yardage towards that end zone. In plain english: we decided that we're not doing the friends with benefits thing. Which means I'm dating someone! waaaahoooo!
1st and goal, extra points to be awarded when i get to use the all powerful/terrifying "bf" word. Its been a long time since i've have a legitimate relationship with labels and everything... But i do believe that is where this is heading. No more "i wonder if this is where we're going," and instead, just going there.
Unless of course the quaterback gets sacked.
Game highlights included pizza and beer for dinner, his tirade on people's use of Irregardless (told you i'd come back to it) along with the correct use of "to, too, and two." I think in the not too distant past I heard him mention a book he recently read, which as you all know, is HOTTT! Oh, the actual football game wasn't so bad either... i think. I do know home team won, but there was beer, there was vodka in gatorade bottles, and i think the most mind altering: a kiss after a touch down and some intertwined fingers.
Lemon Up!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
update?
Things have been a little rocky for this lemon. Working the night shift is starting to wear on me, so i've started looking for something new. Also, my grandma passed away this week.
Also frustrating is Dr Bravo flaked on me. again. we had plans to go see a movie friday night. he said he's be home by 8, i should pick a movie and a time, and he'd call when he made it into town. He didn't text until 11. I had been driving, so at the next stop light i told him i'd call when i got home, he said ok. So i call, and he doesn't answer. He called back 2 minutes later
He had missed his bus, and his phone was dead, then his phone was on vibrate, and excuse and excuse and excuse. I tried very hard to stay neutral when we talked, and straight told him how disrespected I feel when he flakes on plans. He apologized, and had ideas of how to prevent being late like that again. I told him i appreciated the apology, that i didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but its still very frustrating, and disrespectful, and maybe it was just bad timing that it happened tonight, but I'm struggling in life, and he knows this, and i needed him to come through, and he hadn't. He apologized again, stammered for a minute, and i said i'd talk to him later.
I guess we'll see when he decides to put some effort into our friendship. I'm done with the idea of dating him. This decision has been in the works for the last 2 months or so, with this being the nail in the coffin.
On the other hand, PBR has been in the picture quite a bit lately. He took me out sailing two weeks ago, he came by last week when i didn't want to be home alone, and we hung out again last night.
PBR has been a bit of sunshine in this rather gloomy week.
Lemon, trying to make lemonade, out.
Also frustrating is Dr Bravo flaked on me. again. we had plans to go see a movie friday night. he said he's be home by 8, i should pick a movie and a time, and he'd call when he made it into town. He didn't text until 11. I had been driving, so at the next stop light i told him i'd call when i got home, he said ok. So i call, and he doesn't answer. He called back 2 minutes later
He had missed his bus, and his phone was dead, then his phone was on vibrate, and excuse and excuse and excuse. I tried very hard to stay neutral when we talked, and straight told him how disrespected I feel when he flakes on plans. He apologized, and had ideas of how to prevent being late like that again. I told him i appreciated the apology, that i didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but its still very frustrating, and disrespectful, and maybe it was just bad timing that it happened tonight, but I'm struggling in life, and he knows this, and i needed him to come through, and he hadn't. He apologized again, stammered for a minute, and i said i'd talk to him later.
I guess we'll see when he decides to put some effort into our friendship. I'm done with the idea of dating him. This decision has been in the works for the last 2 months or so, with this being the nail in the coffin.
On the other hand, PBR has been in the picture quite a bit lately. He took me out sailing two weeks ago, he came by last week when i didn't want to be home alone, and we hung out again last night.
PBR has been a bit of sunshine in this rather gloomy week.
Lemon, trying to make lemonade, out.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Insecurities
There have been periods of my life where I have been through tough times, and at the end I have been able to look back and learn from my mistakes and successes. The past six months (possibly whole year) have been a unique span of my life where I'm not sure there have been any super defining moments, but I feel I have a better grasp on why I behave the way I do.
I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.
Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.
Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.
My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.
And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."
This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.
I've had a pretty good look at how I communicate, and to some extent, I'm sure I would benefit from a communications class or two. One of the main focuses of the family sessions my clients participate in is how to communicate their wants, needs, and hurts to/with their parents/families. I could have used a session or two of this as a teenager. I could blame my family for teaching me the communication skills I have, but perhaps I need to take a bit more responsibility for actively saying things out loud to the people i need to say them to.
Another strange thing about family I have noticed lately, is many of my neurosis I harbor have a lot to do with things I would get "in trouble" for as an adolescent. I was realizing this as I loaded the dishwasher at work the other day, and someone mentioned how meticulous I am about how things get loaded, and I had a quick series of flashbacks when I would load the dishwasher at home, and my parents could come by, open the door (even if the load had already begun running), and have me rearrange what I had done so that it would be "right." Now I know this was not meant maliciously, but it sure was hurtful. It sent me the message that I had failed. I've spent years worrying that people will judge me as a failure if I don't load the dishwasher (wash the car, fold the laundry, etc etc etc) perfectly.
Maybe one of the reasons I'm struggling at work so much is the amount of cleaning I'm expected to do, and I'm never confident that I've done it well enough. No body has criticized how poorly I fold fitted sheets (or the hospital gowns... those are a bitch), but I practically invent their displeasure over these things. I had my 90 day review two weeks ago, and my boss didn't say a word over sheets, gowns, or dishwasher. She did say they were impressed and happy with the quality of my written shift notes, client logs, etc.
My insecurities seem to have taken over my life lately. I was sincerely surprised by a coworker stating that she really enjoys working with me, and likes me a lot. Why am I taken off guard by this? Should it be that big of a surprise when new people like me? Its not like I think I possess qualities that people dislike. Perhaps its that I feel so unsure about me right now, that I expect others to be unsure about me as well.
And boys... there's a whole new can of worms. I've been so scared/sure of dr bravo's "no, ew, why would i date you?" that I've been unwilling to even try. And assuming of course, we talk and I get shot down, I'm not sure I'll come away from that stronger. Having to pick myself up after the rejection is so hard, and even though sometimes I've been able to stay friends with guys that have rejected me (its happened more times than just with Toaster), to watch them date and marry other girls typically makes me feel worse about myself. "Why did you choose her? especially when we have so much chemestry." Not that I'm necessarily comparing myself to other girls, just that Its frustrating that they don't want me.
At least with exes there's a sense of "we gave it a shot, it didn't work, we're both moving on."
This post really isn't meant as a pity party or fishing for complements. If you're reading this, I expect that we're friends, and I'm freaking out over every relationship in my life. yet.
Mostly I needed to just express my frustration over how insecure I've been feeling lately.
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