Moving Forward

So, I had updated on Tuesday of my Valentine's day successes, but I haven't given an overall update on life since the beginning of the year. It's about time, eh?

Work is driving me crazy. Nights are messing with my mental stability, and I've had two different clients make suicide attempts on my shifts in the past month. I've put in several new applications to various places, but no one calls me back. ever. I'm currently sitting on a couch 20 feet from a client who I am observing for safety for the night.

Things with PBR are going rather well. He got a puppy and has let me dog sit a few times. He continues to have a soccer dominated schedule, but as long as i continue with nights, i can't complain too much about that - we have similar schedules.

It's his birthday today. We are meeting his parents tomorrow evening for drinks. This is my first encounter with his parents. I got my tax refund this week, so i bought myself a new "meet the parents" outfit. And shoes. Super hot shoes.

I'm trying very hard not to be overly nervous about meeting his parents (my sister actually told me "don't freak out" this evening), but it still carries quite a bit of weight. WAY back in November when we had our big talk, he mentioned that he usually doesn't even tell his parents about the girls he dates, and they've learned not to ask.

A friend suggested we have a pep talk in the car before meeting up with the 'rents, and ask what is and is not appropriate for conversation. This will be helpful, since of the usual things you're not allowed to discuss in public (religion, politics, etc) I have a degree in. But since I met the kid (and his younger brother the year before) at church camp, religion might actually be appropriate.

I'm still working on getting him to meet my parents, but I haven't asked in a while.

I began seeing a counselor about three weeks ago. He has helped me see quite a bit of how my self worth affects my relationships. At first I was very nervous about seeing a man, but I think It will be very helpful in dispelling my awful view of men. We used the past week to discuss sexuality, and it was rather unawkward, believe it or not.

We are also looking at a bipolar diagnosis. I've called the clinic where I got my antidepressant rx, and will hopefully change to a medication more appropriate.

Other than the super depressing job with awful hours, I'm doing these days.

Only 3 more hours till i wake the kids, and 4 more after that till i get to go home.

Lemon waiting.

Vday

Lets take a moment to compare how this year is different from last year:

I did not receive flowers from an admirer that i have been trying to rid of for years... who then lied about it.

I am not stuck in a "are we or aren't we" ambiguous relationship.

I am employed and not living with my parents.

I did not throw a pity party for myself.

I'm not pining over people that are not worth my time or effort.

INSTEAD:

I actually said "Happy Valentine's Day" to people. For the last several years I have acknowledged people's valentine's greetings, and have responded with "you too" if at all. In the past I have refused to say the words.

I made it through work without saying it, got home, and PBR had texted. He said it to me, I decided to actually say it back. Texting it wasn't so bad.

I climbed into bed, and woke a few short hours later to use the bathroom. My dreams are always so stressful when i need to pee. So I was up 5 minutes later when PBR texted again checking if i was awake. He said he would be there within seconds and he had a present.

Upon opening the door he stated "take a guess!" So i pointed to his left arm and said "that hand!" He rolled his eyes and laughed at me... he only had one hand behind his back. I could see the reflection of something silver in the screen door window. He could tell I was cheating at this point, so he just showed me:
"if you were guessing a Hannah Montana Balloon, you were right!"

I got a quick kiss and he headed back to work. a few minutes later my phone rang as he finally processed the situation: "Why are you awake?"

I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with his efforts today. I sure didn't expect a grown man to buy a balloon featuring a tween idol. Probably not his most masculine moment, but it was appreciated it. I've had a smile on my face all day.

Upon arriving at work staff and clients asked if i had a good day. I was vague, but said yes. I've stood my ground about keeping my private life private, and when clients ask, I just show my empty ring finger and state that all they get to know is that i'm unmarried. My co-workers know a bit more, so when the staff nurse came out of her medical area, she saw me and stated very loudly "Oh Hi! You have a boyfriend, I bet you had a very special day!"

The clients all started giggling and smiling at me. They figured out my secret.
oh well.

All in all, the best valentine's day i've ever had.

Lemon Out

New Year, New Me?

Hello, 2011.
It's nice to see you.

I hope you're less complicated than your predecessor, although I don't wish for stagnation either. Is there a way to hope for challenges that will stretch me, but at the same time don't leave me feeling overstretched all the time? That is what I want.

I'm not sure if these are necessarily resolutions, because they're things I've been working on for the last few years, but I have a list of the types of things I want to make some progress on.

I suppose that if I had to make a resolution, it would be to break down larger goals into smaller ones, so that they don't seem so impossible.

major categories include:

Running.
everyday type goal: run 3x or more times a week. and once a week do a long run.
short term goal: start cutting time off my mile pace. Beat last year's Bloomsday time.
Long term goals: Find another 1/2 marathon to do this year.
Do the whole Seattle Marathon next thanksgiving.

Fitness/health in general:
everyday type goal: use Eliptical machine if too cold out to run. eat my fruits and veggies, take vitamins, wash face daily, shave my legs often
Short term: find a pool, start swimming at least 1x week; Find a bicycle, learn to ride comptetatively; sleep regularly.
Long term: Register and compete in a Triathlon.

Education:
Short term: decide if my GRE scores are high enough to get into grad school, if not, retake test.
Long term: Find a program that I want to do, apply for Grad School.

Career
Daily: rework Resume and Cover Letter; Check job websites at least 3x a week.
Short Term: Decide on Career path, Apply to jobs within that/those fleids.
Long Term: Get out of Eating Disorders, and no more night shifts.

Spiritual
Everyday: Journal and read bible or devotional material 5x a week. Make time in my schedule for this.
Short term: commit to a church, attend regularly.
Long term: find or lead a small group, be a leader in my spiritual community.

Mental Health
Everyday: take my meds
Short term: find a counselor. go to counseling.
Long term: unpack some of my baggage.

Reltionships:
Everyday: communicate with people i care about: calls, texts, emails, spends some time with them.
Short term: be ok with not being best friends with everyone, and allow for relationships that aren't equal in effort to be put on back burners.
Long term: not get ahead of myself with PBR, but allow myself to feel what i feel for him. Learn to communicate my needs and expectations.
Super Long term: get married, have babies.

Organization
Daily: put dishes in sink or directly into dishwasher, put dirty clothes in hamper, put clean clothes that i decide not to wear back in closet/dresser. Don't eat in bed.
Short term: keep room to a respectable level of clean.
Don't leave stuff in livingroom, keep bathroom clean.
Long term: don't be a slob.

Weekend Update

Spent the weekend with some of my closest friends at my family cabin. We ate, drank, skied, played board games, watched movies, and overall had a merry time.

Saturday I used, for the first time, the skis I received for Christmas last year. I skied very well, considering I hadn't graced the slopes with my presence in 3 years. I only fell a few times, but two of those times were quite nasty spills, and I was ready to go home well before our time was up. PBR agreed to take me back to the cabin early, and we hobbled to his car. I did something to my right hip, and i gimped and winced my way through the rest of the weekend.

PBR had to go home Saturday night. It was pre-planned, but disappointing nonetheless. I was overall very impressed with him the whole weekend, however. He was patient and helpful at the ski resort. He helped make breakfast, offered to put everyone's sack lunches in his backpack, engaged in group games and conversations, and all around was pleasant to be around... except for about 10 minutes saturday morning when he realized there was no coffee.

In other updates, I successfully ran the half marathon the weekend after thanksgiving. It took 2 hours and 30 minutues. My knee just finally stopped hurting! I finally got in to see a doctor and am back on prozac, and have a follow up appointment this upcoming friday. I'm not quite done with my christmas shopping, but i think i have it all figured out, and i'm not too stressed.

All in all, things are alright.

Lemon, out.

Girlfriend Mode

This weekend marked the first time where I really felt like PBR's girlfriend. We've had a slow moving relationship, but there was something definably different the last few days.

Friday night was date night. We went to a movie, and then baked cookies at his place. It was nice to spend some quality time with just the two of us, and super cute that we were making his favorite cookies that usually his grandma makes.

Saturday I spent the early afternoon with a friend, then met up with PBR and his friends at a bar to watch the local College Football Rivalry Cup, with "our" team holding onto the win, but just barely. I personally didn't attend either of these universities, but PBR did, and luckily I've always preferred his school over the other.

We moved from the bar to everyone's favorite pizzaria. I had been smart enough to stay sober through the game only sipping off PBR's beer, and he let me drive his car! He still won't ride in mine. I'm not particularly great at driving a stick, but I managed to get us to and from the pizza place.

It was in the restaurant that the first "real girlfriend" moment occurred. A few more of his friends met up with us as we ate, and as PBR gave introductions, eyes seems to linger on me... waiting to officially meet me so as to figure out more about me. It was the "so that's the girlfriend" look.

The main event of the evening was PBR's annual Tacky Xmas Sweater party. PBR and I went back to his place first, so to make sure someone was at his place when guests started arriving. We had a nice ten minutes to ourselves, which of course everyone took the opportunity to make wild claims about what we did in those ten minutes.

The party was a blast. We cracked open a few four lokos (which were gross), played a few drinking games, and I mingled and charmed the pants off PBR's friends. Ok, so everyone's pants stayed on, but still, the resounding theme of the night was "[PBR] we like her," and "She's a keeper."

One of his closest friends stated that he hadn't met any of PBR's past girlfriends... which I'm assuming was an exaggeration, if they've really been friends that long, but the mental note was made; he doesn't use labels lightly, and he doesn't parade every new girl around. I'm also glad that statement was made towards the end of the evening, that would have been a lot of pressure had I known it earlier/sober-er.

Saturday night marked the first night I've stayed at his place since our big boundaries talk. Maybe it was that he was so tired, but he did a great job keeping his hands within marked boundaries.

Despite him not using the labels, it's becoming clearer and clearer... he's the only one whose not.

Lemonfriend

When Roles Reverse

The last year has been hard for me. I watched two of my best friends get married, one get divorced, and one fall in love and get engaged. And honestly, I had a harder time being supportive of the alter bound relationships than I did with the one that failed.

Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.

I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.

I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.

On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.

I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.

All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.

I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.

I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.

So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.

Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.

Lemon Bubbly.

The difference a few years can make.

I met PBR 3 years ago at Camp. There was instant attraction.

There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.

Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.

That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.

Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.

I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.

After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.

I still have the email.

It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.

Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.

There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.

I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.

It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.

PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.

The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.

It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?

I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.

Lemon Hoping.