Regrets?

Warning: on a freak out scale of 1-5, this is a 10

So, well, things were actually kinda going well with CLBF. We were texting, and well into the night several nights in a row. He was initiating the conversations, and started calling me "baby" again. And then I realized... Its not helping.

It doesn't make me miss him less, it's not helping me get over him, or move on... in fact, its making it worse. And so, I said so, and at first he wished me luck, and said to take care of myself, and goodbye... then asks "could you enlighten me as to why you keep running away?" UGH! Shoot me right in the heart. Worst part? He used my name. Not just "baby," not my nickname, but my full real name. He meant business.

I replied with "an overwhelming fear of getting hurt" and he comes back with a cliche about living life to the fullest without fear. I know he meant it, and I'm sure he's sick of me hiding from my feelings... but for crying out loud! We live 300 miles apart. I told him what i want vs what i need are different right now, and that I'm home now. He wished me "all the best."

He was the one who called it quits the first time. And I had told him from the beginning that I would be moving at the end of the summer. And then he had to go and evoke all sorts of warm fuzzy emotions. And then, just when I thought I was in control of myself, he goes and makes me realize that dammit, I don't want to let him go.

It was the right thing to do. I need to move on, I need to let him move on. Ya, we're both lonely, ya we miss each other, but holding on to something that isn't going to work is just a recipe to hurt each other more. I hope I haven't hurt him. I want him to be happy, but he needs a different girl, and ultimately I need a different boy.

It hurts this time. Re-breaking up with my ex-not-boyfriend hurts like hell. Its really over, and for the sake of being fair to both of us, I need to not revisit this. Oh, I'll probably complain and whine and sulk about it for quite some time, don't you worry, but no revival tour on this heartache.

I'm going to go find donuts.
Lemon Out.