Hello, 2011.
It's nice to see you.
I hope you're less complicated than your predecessor, although I don't wish for stagnation either. Is there a way to hope for challenges that will stretch me, but at the same time don't leave me feeling overstretched all the time? That is what I want.
I'm not sure if these are necessarily resolutions, because they're things I've been working on for the last few years, but I have a list of the types of things I want to make some progress on.
I suppose that if I had to make a resolution, it would be to break down larger goals into smaller ones, so that they don't seem so impossible.
major categories include:
Running.
everyday type goal: run 3x or more times a week. and once a week do a long run.
short term goal: start cutting time off my mile pace. Beat last year's Bloomsday time.
Long term goals: Find another 1/2 marathon to do this year.
Do the whole Seattle Marathon next thanksgiving.
Fitness/health in general:
everyday type goal: use Eliptical machine if too cold out to run. eat my fruits and veggies, take vitamins, wash face daily, shave my legs often
Short term: find a pool, start swimming at least 1x week; Find a bicycle, learn to ride comptetatively; sleep regularly.
Long term: Register and compete in a Triathlon.
Education:
Short term: decide if my GRE scores are high enough to get into grad school, if not, retake test.
Long term: Find a program that I want to do, apply for Grad School.
Career
Daily: rework Resume and Cover Letter; Check job websites at least 3x a week.
Short Term: Decide on Career path, Apply to jobs within that/those fleids.
Long Term: Get out of Eating Disorders, and no more night shifts.
Spiritual
Everyday: Journal and read bible or devotional material 5x a week. Make time in my schedule for this.
Short term: commit to a church, attend regularly.
Long term: find or lead a small group, be a leader in my spiritual community.
Mental Health
Everyday: take my meds
Short term: find a counselor. go to counseling.
Long term: unpack some of my baggage.
Reltionships:
Everyday: communicate with people i care about: calls, texts, emails, spends some time with them.
Short term: be ok with not being best friends with everyone, and allow for relationships that aren't equal in effort to be put on back burners.
Long term: not get ahead of myself with PBR, but allow myself to feel what i feel for him. Learn to communicate my needs and expectations.
Super Long term: get married, have babies.
Organization
Daily: put dishes in sink or directly into dishwasher, put dirty clothes in hamper, put clean clothes that i decide not to wear back in closet/dresser. Don't eat in bed.
Short term: keep room to a respectable level of clean.
Don't leave stuff in livingroom, keep bathroom clean.
Long term: don't be a slob.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Weekend Update
Spent the weekend with some of my closest friends at my family cabin. We ate, drank, skied, played board games, watched movies, and overall had a merry time.
Saturday I used, for the first time, the skis I received for Christmas last year. I skied very well, considering I hadn't graced the slopes with my presence in 3 years. I only fell a few times, but two of those times were quite nasty spills, and I was ready to go home well before our time was up. PBR agreed to take me back to the cabin early, and we hobbled to his car. I did something to my right hip, and i gimped and winced my way through the rest of the weekend.
PBR had to go home Saturday night. It was pre-planned, but disappointing nonetheless. I was overall very impressed with him the whole weekend, however. He was patient and helpful at the ski resort. He helped make breakfast, offered to put everyone's sack lunches in his backpack, engaged in group games and conversations, and all around was pleasant to be around... except for about 10 minutes saturday morning when he realized there was no coffee.
In other updates, I successfully ran the half marathon the weekend after thanksgiving. It took 2 hours and 30 minutues. My knee just finally stopped hurting! I finally got in to see a doctor and am back on prozac, and have a follow up appointment this upcoming friday. I'm not quite done with my christmas shopping, but i think i have it all figured out, and i'm not too stressed.
All in all, things are alright.
Lemon, out.
Saturday I used, for the first time, the skis I received for Christmas last year. I skied very well, considering I hadn't graced the slopes with my presence in 3 years. I only fell a few times, but two of those times were quite nasty spills, and I was ready to go home well before our time was up. PBR agreed to take me back to the cabin early, and we hobbled to his car. I did something to my right hip, and i gimped and winced my way through the rest of the weekend.
PBR had to go home Saturday night. It was pre-planned, but disappointing nonetheless. I was overall very impressed with him the whole weekend, however. He was patient and helpful at the ski resort. He helped make breakfast, offered to put everyone's sack lunches in his backpack, engaged in group games and conversations, and all around was pleasant to be around... except for about 10 minutes saturday morning when he realized there was no coffee.
In other updates, I successfully ran the half marathon the weekend after thanksgiving. It took 2 hours and 30 minutues. My knee just finally stopped hurting! I finally got in to see a doctor and am back on prozac, and have a follow up appointment this upcoming friday. I'm not quite done with my christmas shopping, but i think i have it all figured out, and i'm not too stressed.
All in all, things are alright.
Lemon, out.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Girlfriend Mode
This weekend marked the first time where I really felt like PBR's girlfriend. We've had a slow moving relationship, but there was something definably different the last few days.
Friday night was date night. We went to a movie, and then baked cookies at his place. It was nice to spend some quality time with just the two of us, and super cute that we were making his favorite cookies that usually his grandma makes.
Saturday I spent the early afternoon with a friend, then met up with PBR and his friends at a bar to watch the local College Football Rivalry Cup, with "our" team holding onto the win, but just barely. I personally didn't attend either of these universities, but PBR did, and luckily I've always preferred his school over the other.
We moved from the bar to everyone's favorite pizzaria. I had been smart enough to stay sober through the game only sipping off PBR's beer, and he let me drive his car! He still won't ride in mine. I'm not particularly great at driving a stick, but I managed to get us to and from the pizza place.
It was in the restaurant that the first "real girlfriend" moment occurred. A few more of his friends met up with us as we ate, and as PBR gave introductions, eyes seems to linger on me... waiting to officially meet me so as to figure out more about me. It was the "so that's the girlfriend" look.
The main event of the evening was PBR's annual Tacky Xmas Sweater party. PBR and I went back to his place first, so to make sure someone was at his place when guests started arriving. We had a nice ten minutes to ourselves, which of course everyone took the opportunity to make wild claims about what we did in those ten minutes.
The party was a blast. We cracked open a few four lokos (which were gross), played a few drinking games, and I mingled and charmed the pants off PBR's friends. Ok, so everyone's pants stayed on, but still, the resounding theme of the night was "[PBR] we like her," and "She's a keeper."
One of his closest friends stated that he hadn't met any of PBR's past girlfriends... which I'm assuming was an exaggeration, if they've really been friends that long, but the mental note was made; he doesn't use labels lightly, and he doesn't parade every new girl around. I'm also glad that statement was made towards the end of the evening, that would have been a lot of pressure had I known it earlier/sober-er.
Saturday night marked the first night I've stayed at his place since our big boundaries talk. Maybe it was that he was so tired, but he did a great job keeping his hands within marked boundaries.
Despite him not using the labels, it's becoming clearer and clearer... he's the only one whose not.
Lemonfriend
Friday night was date night. We went to a movie, and then baked cookies at his place. It was nice to spend some quality time with just the two of us, and super cute that we were making his favorite cookies that usually his grandma makes.
Saturday I spent the early afternoon with a friend, then met up with PBR and his friends at a bar to watch the local College Football Rivalry Cup, with "our" team holding onto the win, but just barely. I personally didn't attend either of these universities, but PBR did, and luckily I've always preferred his school over the other.
We moved from the bar to everyone's favorite pizzaria. I had been smart enough to stay sober through the game only sipping off PBR's beer, and he let me drive his car! He still won't ride in mine. I'm not particularly great at driving a stick, but I managed to get us to and from the pizza place.
It was in the restaurant that the first "real girlfriend" moment occurred. A few more of his friends met up with us as we ate, and as PBR gave introductions, eyes seems to linger on me... waiting to officially meet me so as to figure out more about me. It was the "so that's the girlfriend" look.
The main event of the evening was PBR's annual Tacky Xmas Sweater party. PBR and I went back to his place first, so to make sure someone was at his place when guests started arriving. We had a nice ten minutes to ourselves, which of course everyone took the opportunity to make wild claims about what we did in those ten minutes.
The party was a blast. We cracked open a few four lokos (which were gross), played a few drinking games, and I mingled and charmed the pants off PBR's friends. Ok, so everyone's pants stayed on, but still, the resounding theme of the night was "[PBR] we like her," and "She's a keeper."
One of his closest friends stated that he hadn't met any of PBR's past girlfriends... which I'm assuming was an exaggeration, if they've really been friends that long, but the mental note was made; he doesn't use labels lightly, and he doesn't parade every new girl around. I'm also glad that statement was made towards the end of the evening, that would have been a lot of pressure had I known it earlier/sober-er.
Saturday night marked the first night I've stayed at his place since our big boundaries talk. Maybe it was that he was so tired, but he did a great job keeping his hands within marked boundaries.
Despite him not using the labels, it's becoming clearer and clearer... he's the only one whose not.
Lemonfriend
Friday, November 26, 2010
When Roles Reverse
The last year has been hard for me. I watched two of my best friends get married, one get divorced, and one fall in love and get engaged. And honestly, I had a harder time being supportive of the alter bound relationships than I did with the one that failed.
Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.
I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.
I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.
On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.
I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.
All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.
I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.
I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.
So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.
Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.
Lemon Bubbly.
Please don't think that I'm not VERY happy for my friends who got/are getting married. I hope they have many years of very happy marriage, and bring me tons of babies to play with. I approve of each of their men, though I have struggled with jealousy of their relationships in general (in that they have them). and while I love and respect each of their men, I have never (nor will) want their men for my own.
I've been a bit of a brat this past year as well. Wedding planning is NOT my favorite activity, and it's been agonizing to listen to conversations about toulle and tablecloth colors. But perhaps i could have kept my loud sighs of discontent to myself a bit better.
I think the biggest injustice has gone to my friend who found love. It was a hard pill to swallow listening to someone who used to be in the same boat, and had jumped ship into the sea of love. She was having a hard time with school, work was a bit crap as well, and the one good thing in her life was this relationship. And so that's what she talked about.
On one hand, everyone goes through this. New relationships come with a flurry of emotions, excitement, and the inability to shut up about the whole thing. On the other, it should have been my job to smile and actually let her know I'm happy for her. Because I am.
I am a bit ashamed of being a brat, but I think the most embarrassing part is how I came to the realization that I could have kept my mouth shut a bit more: the tables
have turned.
All I want to do is post new statuses on facebook every five minutes about how much i like this guy, or post on his wall, or call and talk about him to my girlfriends, to guys i wish were jealous (caugh toaster caugh), to my family, to my coworkers, to the person standing on the street corner.
I want to tell everyone how he went out of his way to make sure i didn't have to walk in the rain. I want to recount every aspect of our DTR conversation. I want to gush about the funny thing I said or the ridiculous thing he said. And I want to stand on a mountain and shout about how he picked me up from work earlier this week so that i wouldn't have to drive in the snow.
I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it under control, (not at a 0, but a moderate 5-6) but the worst part is, I WANT to have diarrhea of the mouth.
So, beware. we have plans for the next several weekends in a row, including a whole weekend trip. But feel free to engage me in conversations on other topics.
Cheers to those who have solidified relationships, cheers to those who are giddy with new ones, and especially cheers to those who are flyin solo.
Lemon Bubbly.
The difference a few years can make.
I met PBR 3 years ago at Camp. There was instant attraction.
There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.
Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.
That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.
Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.
I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.
After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.
I still have the email.
It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.
Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.
There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.
I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.
It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.
PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.
It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?
I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.
Lemon Hoping.
There's also been a fair amount of hurdles that have presented themselves along the way as well. The biggest one had to do with living 300 miles apart for the next two years.
Our first post-camp interaction was planned for Thanksgiving weekend 2007. I had driven into town, and was staying with my sister in the big city! When he called to find a place to meet up for drinks, I had been out with sis, and couldn't just leave her at Target. What could be considered our first date had just a bit of extra company. Luckily he didn't seem put off by the situation. We hung out a bit more that weekend, and possibly again over Christmas when I had been home again. It's a bit fuzzy, being three years ago.
That next summer he came to my city with a few of his friends. The attraction and chemistry took us to the next step: our first kiss. This was no "foot popping," goodnight on my front porch type of ordeal, instead more of a "drunk on the couch" situation, but there were fireworks nonetheless. Oh, also It had been 4th of July... so there were literal fireworks as well. Soon enough, however, we were a few hundred miles of freeway a part again.
Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 was more confusing and frustrating than good. We met up, made out, and he disappeared. This probably could have been more bearable if I hadn't just put the nail in the Toaster coffin. I could write a whole book based on the confusion of that whole situation, but I wasn't really interested in being led on by anyone else. I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone feeling used. No call, no texts, just silence.
I was in need of new black shoes, and in my frenzy of xmas shopping, I bought the cutest pair of flats with little buckles on the side. I promptly named them "who needs [PBR]" shoes. They've been a staple in my shoe choice for 2 years.
After returning home I shot him an email saying "I feel used, and I have no need for undefined relationships." He wrote back actually very promptly, apologized, and explained that he had been in the mountains all weekend, and didn't have any cell service. We agreed that we enjoyed spending time together, and both expressed interest in hanging out in the future, but having better boundaries.
I still have the email.
It took us a year and a half to hang out again. Every once in a while there would be a text or facebook interaction. There were a few invitations and half hearted attempts to hang out, but we seemed to always be missing each other. I look back at last year (Thanksgiving time, again. This is a bit of a weird coincidence), and I had chosen hanging out with CPR over PBR.
Now, there's no guarantee that things would have actually progressed the way they are now if we had actually hung out last year, but I think we can all agree that CPR was a HUGE waste of time.
There was a point early this summer, when PBR had expressed that we should meet up, that I knew our chemistry was dangerous enough to possibly mean the end of me hanging onto to the idea of moving forward with the DR. At least I made the right decision this time. I was also right, in that the chemistry between us was still there.
I had known there was the possibility that going to beerfest with PBR would probably lead to making out, but I don't think I really expected us to make it past casual.
It's funny how a few years can change everything. 3 years ago he was a guy I had met at camp. 2 years ago he was the guy that was sure he couldn't meet my wants/needs and didn't know what his even were. 1 year ago I was chasing all sorts of the wrong things. And this year... I wouldn't have predicted this.
PBR left town wednesday morning to spend the weekend with his family in the mountains again, and remembering 2 years ago, and knowing how poor reception is up in that area, I gave in to the idea that I wouldn't hear from him again until Sunday. I think the thing that got me reflecting on this whole, very long diatribe was that I actually heard from him this afternoon. Just a text, and I'm not completely convinced he only sent it to me (oh mass texting on holidays), but I made the list. And that still feels pretty good.
The thing I'm struggling with most right now is allowing myself to actually become emotionally invested. He's more than just a make out buddy, and If anyone had told me that I would not only have, but survive through several dtr's, I don't know if I would believe them.
It's not like I'm registering for a wedding, but at some point I get to start hoping that we'll last for another 6 months, year, or longer, right? I get to start hoping that my wants and needs will be met, and that I actually have a shot at happiness, right?
I wonder where I'll be next thanksgiving.
Lemon Hoping.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Cornered
Yesterday evening PBR picked me up to head to game night. We got about 2 miles down the freeway (of our 30 mile trip) and he says "so, I need to have this conversation, and since we're sober, and you're stuck in my car for the next half hour..."
We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.
We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.
We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.
We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).
He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.
As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.
Lemon Up
We had a huge conversation about boundaries. Lines were clearly drawn, grey area identified, and he wanted to emphasize that he's absolutely ok with living at my comfort level, and didn't want me to feel pressured to go beyond that. Funnily enough, he was pretty sure he was going to come off as the douche bag.
We then transitioned into talking about the relationship in general. I finally stated out loud that I'm in a place where I need to be 100% in or out, and that I want to start emotionally investing. He asked what exactly that means, and we again discussed labels. Apparently he hates them. He stated that he's not seeing anyone else, and not looking to either, so we agreed that we're being exclusive.
We agreed not to change facebook relationship statuses, talked about enjoying time together, but also time a part, the impending "meet my parents," and a whole slough of other topics.
We agreed that we need to have open communication, especially if we're going to attempt having an adult relationship (his words... maybe he gets a bit of leeway for the labels thing if he's gonna call this an adult relationship).
He brought up my depression, and he seemed to need reassurance that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be broken beyond repair. Maybe at some point i need to point out that I don't expect him to fix me either.
As we approached our destination, I asked if anything had been officially decided upon. He laughed, and said "no... that's not how this works!"
you win some, you lose some.
Lemon Up
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Support System Addition
Six years ago I got the official diagnosis that I had always known about myself: Depression laced with anxiety. It tends to present in an ADD type fashion. I'm easily distractable, I struggle to conquer large tasks, I rarely sit still. Actually I think my attention span is surprisingly longer than it appears.
I've been staying a head of my ever hovering rain cloud, but for several months (maybe a year), it's been catching up with me. I've made several decisions to try to keep it at bay. I run fairly frequently (and have signed up for a half marathon, which takes place in just six weeks!!!), I try very hard to eat healthily, take my vitamins, and get some sun exposure, and when I feel lousy, I don't drink.
But it's still catching up with me. I've made the decision to find a way to go back on meds. I struggle with the stigma of being medicated, and wondering if who I am supposed to be is an unmedicated, depressed individual... but who is supposed to live like that?
Next healthy step? I told PBR.
He seemed supportive of my decision to pursue the medication route and asked questions of which meds I've been on before. The nice thing about dating someone with a psych degree, is they at least understand that people can't just "snap" out of chemical imbalances. He also found the silver lining in the whole situation: if i'm not drinking, i can be his designated driver. He was (mostly) joking, we laughed, and I threw a line back at him about how I was glad my mental distress works out for his benefit. Besides, jokes on him, he's never ridden in the glorious Citation before!!! He's in for a treat!
We've got vague plans for the weekend, including pumpkin carving/beer pong with some of his friends (lucky me will get put on the team with the pregnant woman, so we can just have the non-alcoholic beer). I'm also supposed to do some stuff with the family this weekend, and I might go as far as to invite him to family dinner. Its about time to meet some parents.
but its almost 4am, and i've slept less than 8 hours total in the last 4 days... and my kitten is rather (unusually) snuggly right now.
Lemon zzzzz
I've been staying a head of my ever hovering rain cloud, but for several months (maybe a year), it's been catching up with me. I've made several decisions to try to keep it at bay. I run fairly frequently (and have signed up for a half marathon, which takes place in just six weeks!!!), I try very hard to eat healthily, take my vitamins, and get some sun exposure, and when I feel lousy, I don't drink.
But it's still catching up with me. I've made the decision to find a way to go back on meds. I struggle with the stigma of being medicated, and wondering if who I am supposed to be is an unmedicated, depressed individual... but who is supposed to live like that?
Next healthy step? I told PBR.
He seemed supportive of my decision to pursue the medication route and asked questions of which meds I've been on before. The nice thing about dating someone with a psych degree, is they at least understand that people can't just "snap" out of chemical imbalances. He also found the silver lining in the whole situation: if i'm not drinking, i can be his designated driver. He was (mostly) joking, we laughed, and I threw a line back at him about how I was glad my mental distress works out for his benefit. Besides, jokes on him, he's never ridden in the glorious Citation before!!! He's in for a treat!
We've got vague plans for the weekend, including pumpkin carving/beer pong with some of his friends (lucky me will get put on the team with the pregnant woman, so we can just have the non-alcoholic beer). I'm also supposed to do some stuff with the family this weekend, and I might go as far as to invite him to family dinner. Its about time to meet some parents.
but its almost 4am, and i've slept less than 8 hours total in the last 4 days... and my kitten is rather (unusually) snuggly right now.
Lemon zzzzz
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